2-14, “Pretty Babies”

Blair is on the phone with this week’s never-seen-boyfriend, Scott. He’s obsessed with Blair’s eyes apparently, you know, those “chestnut brown eyes with green and gold flecks.” Jo is disgusted, Mrs. Garrett is amused, and Tootie comes into the room to declare:

“I’m tired of being underdeveloped.”

Turns out she’s talking about her photos. Apparently she’s all into photography now, but her pictures just aren’t coming out right (Blair: “I’m missing part of my head in this one!” Jo: “Yeah, just like real life.”)

Awesome Natalie the journalist bursts into the room to break the scoop to her friends: John Dutton is coming to Eastland!

Jo: “Who’s Jonathan Dutton?”
Blair: “That is Jonathan Dutton!”

Jo: “It looks like he’s had an important operation.”

I have mixed feelings about this line. On the one hand, Jo says it matter of factly, without judgment. On the other hand, it’s clearly the tired, offensive trope of playing transness for laughs. And on the third hand, it independently reinforces the binary. It’s a minor part of the episode; my politics make it important to mention.

Jonathan Dutton, it turns out, is an important high-fashion photographer in New York, and he’s touring girls’ schools around the country looking for a “fresh new face.” That’s kind of skeevy. Tootie just hopes she can pick his brain for some photography tips.

Blair crows about how she’s the prettiest and the bestest and once Jonathan Dutton sees her, he’s going to forget about all the other schools. If Blair really wanted to model, she should have no trouble using her father’s connections to get in somewhere. This couldn’t possibly just have been included solely to surprise us when [spoiler] Blair doesn’t get picked for the job.

So Jonathan Dutton will interview Eastland girls from 2:00 to 4:00 on an unspecified date. He insists that the girls wear their uniforms. This is getting creepier by the second.

Some typical Jo-Blair sparring leads to the two of them making a bet over whether Blair will get picked. Loser does winner’s kitchen chores for a week.

On said unspecified date, Jonathan Dutton, high fashion photographer, sets up camp at Eastland. He’s not creepy at all.

Natalie announces that Blair is on deck, but she’s not sitting in the waiting room with everyone else. Oh, wait, here she comes.

Whether she coordinated her pink scarf with Dutton’s pink shirt remains unknown.

Season-one alumna Nancy was conveniently interviewed right before Blair. As they cross paths outside the interview space, they engage in some standard mean-girl sniping.

Blair: “I’m sorry I couldn’t be here before your interview. You could have benefitted from my expertise.”
Nancy: “I wouldn’t lose too much beauty sleep over it, Blair. Mr. Dutton said I was striking.”
Blair: “Striking? Like the Polish auto workers?”
Nancy: “He said my skin glowed and my eyes were piercing.”
Blair: “Oh, the old glow and pierce line.”

Blair begins her interview, and her excruciating arrogance is interrupted by Jo walking by to mop the floor. When Dutton summons Jo, she adamantly refuses to have anything to do with this model thing. Turns out he only wants her to get him a drink. Snerk.

Mrs. G instructs Tootie to take a drink to Dutton, and Tootie is grateful for the opportunity to approach him and ask for his photography advice.

Meanwhile, we see Dutton informing Blair that she is very “striking,” and her skin “glows.”

She is mollified, however, upon being informed that her eyes do not “pierce,” but rather, they “dance.”

Dutton is surprisingly pleasant at Tootie’s request to ask him some questions, but he doesn’t really pay attention to her at first. When he finally looks at her, he does a double take and loses his mind.

Dutton: “Natalie, why wasn’t this girl on my list?”
Natalie: “She’s just a kid!”
Dutton: “She’s perfect.”
Natalie: “Tootie?”
Dutton: “Ha! Tootie! Even the name is perfect!”

“This is my new sensational high-fashion face of the 80s. This is TOOTIE!”

Fast forward to the girls preparing to go to New York together. Mrs. G will accompany Tootie to her first photo shoot while Jo and Natalie go to the Guggenheim. Blair is missing, as she is downstairs “up to her green- and gold-fleckled eyeballs” in Jo’s chores.

As Tootie frets about what to wear to the shoot, Blair returns to the room, heavily sighing and whining about being a loser. Natalie points out that models are getting younger and younger, and Tootie adds that Blair’s problem isn’t being unattractive, it’s just being “over the hill.” Somewhat mollified, Blair accepts Tootie’s offer to be her “fashion coordinator” and the girls head to New York.

“Am I a fox or what?”

Dutton sets Tootie up for the shoot and summons Rena, another model on set today, whose appearance does nothing to mitigate the horror Mrs. Garrett has had since Tootie stepped out of the dressing room.

Mrs. Garrett: “How old are you?”
Rena: “Fourteen. Oh, but don’t tell Johnny; he thinks I’m twelve.”

Dutton: “Make love to the camera.”



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Dutton’s further instructions make Tootie a “snarling, sensual animal.”

Dutton scolds Tootie that she’s “not a little kid anymore,” but rather a “snarling, sexy leopard.” Ew. He declares that its not working and calls an end to the session. He turns down Blair’s offer to fix Tootie, saying she just needs work to “let the woman inside of [her] out.”

Mrs. Garrett: “I don’t know how the woman ever got in, she’s only twelve!”

The studio audience claps, but Blair still simpers to Dutton that she’ll make it happen. Gross. Dutton instructs that Tootie is to be back in two weeks for another session, which Mrs. Garrett immediately puts the kibosh on due to midterms being in that same time frame. Blair: “She can do both. I’ll see to it.” Dutton goes on to suggest that Tootie leave Eastland and get a tutor in Manhattan. When he suggests that she lose eight pounds, Mrs. G loses her mind.

Jo and Natalie’s arrival from their afternoon at the Guggenheim interrupts Mrs. G’s tirade. They are shocked at Tootie’s appearance. Jo: “We saw Picassos that had less paint on them than that.”

Dutton goes on to insist that Tootie get measured for a wig for her next session.

Blair: “A wig? Oh what fun! Now let’s talk about wardrobe.”
Dutton: “The wig is her wardrobe.”

The live studio audience gasps.

Dutton explains that all the “strategic” areas will be covered, and if he can sell her look, it could lead to a national perfume ad.

Mrs. G: “What does perfume have to do with a naked child in a wig?”

And there you have it, folks. It’s 1981 and this show is calling out the sexualization of children and ridiculousness of sex in advertising. This morning I read an article about how sex doesn’t sell anymore. If it ever did.

Mrs. G: “This attitude that whatever sells is OK is wrong. Wrong! Women in children’s bodies. Children in women’s clothes. Children in no clothes? The whole thing is sick! Call it whatever you want; it’s one step away from child pornography to me and I will not let my girls be part of it.”

Natalie, Jo, and the live studio audience cheer Mrs. G on while Blair looks pained and Tootie looks like she’s run out of fucks to give.

Dutton declares he’ll talk the whole thing over with her parents, but Tootie interrupts, saying that although the day was something else, ultimately she doesn’t want to give up eating or Eastland or her friends, and all the sexy talk just embarrasses her.

“How can I make love to a camera when I’ve never really even kissed a boy?”

Dutton: “How will I ever replace my ‘Tootie’?”

“Bite it, Dutton.” Actually Mrs. Garrett doesn’t say that. But she looks like she’s thinking it and that’s what I choose to believe.

Mrs. Garrett tells Tootie that her decision to stay a kid is the most adult thing she’s ever done, and announces that she’s going to treat the girls to a meal anywhere Tootie wants. She wants hot dogs in Central Park, which Blair says is for kids.

Tootie: “I know!”

Apparently the experience also killed Tootie’s interest in photography, because we never hear of it again. Tootie’s pledge to stay a kid lasts until the next season’s premiere.