3-3 “A Baby in the House”
We open in the dining room, where Jo snits about everyone making such a big deal about Blair’s friend visiting. They haven’t seen Alison since she got married, and Tootie is way too excited about seeing the baby.
If Alison is a couple of years older than Blair, and she got married and had her kid right out of high school, it’s not that weird, especially for 1981. I was just at my twenty-fifth high school class reunion, and one of my classmates has a 24-year-old daughter. But Tootie says that Alison left Eastland right before Jo got there “to marry the man of her dreams and have his child.” Jo snarks that from what she’s heard, “she kinda got the order reversed.” Not a fan of the single-mom shaming, but it does suggest that Allison didn’t actually graduate, and that’s sad.
Indeed, Jo judges. But Blair is grosser when she makes a classist comment about how it’s OK because Alison and David are from the best families. Jo points out that the only difference is that it happened in the back of a Rolls Royce instead of the back of a Chevy. It is still the case that society at large is way less judgmental if the teen mom in question is a cute white rich girl. How far we haven’t come.
Tootie and Natalie continue to reminisce fondly about how Alison used to sneak out in the middle of the night to watch the sun set and go skinny-dipping, and I know this is all being overly romanticized now to underscore (spoiler!) Alison’s regret later, but it still makes me cringe.
Alison arrives and excitedly greets “Blairypie,” who enthusiastically responds by welcoming “Allikins.” Jo and I feel similarly about this.
Heather Kerr is the actress, and her career is unremarkable. More interesting is the fact that apparently she’s (or was) married to Thom Mooney, a drummer who’s gotten around, even playing with Jimmy Buffett and writing for Colin Hay. That’s pretty cool.
In the cafeteria, everyone but Jo loses their minds over the baby. The studio audience collectively “Awwwwwww”s when Alison picks her up. The grin on Charlotte Rae is pretty priceless.
The baby is played by twins who never acted again.
Tootie holds the baby and bickers with Natalie, who also wants to hold her. Mrs. Garrett solves the dispute by taking the baby herself. Everyone awws and coos some more.
We learn that Alison’s husband, David, is very busy with college (pre-med) and sports. Alison plans to go back to school when the baby, Emily, is a little older. Natalie says, “Stand by your man” and everyone continues to romanticize the situation.
Later, upstairs, the girls (minus Jo) sit around the girls’ room looking at clothes and chatting and whatever.
Notice the tiger wearing the sombrero in the background? It’s consistently there throughout the girls’ time in this bedroom. Trippy, huh?
Jo enters and makes a face as she explains that Emily is fine; Mrs. Garrett is teaching her the school song in baby talk. Alison and Blair reminisce while Blair chooses her dress for the gig that she and Jo are going to tonight and everyone continues to bullshit with each other.
Tootie reads from a teen magazine about Billy Dee Williams’s favorites; Natalie notes that she hasn’t been the same since she saw Empire Strikes Back. Alison hasn’t seen it; she hasn’t had time what with being a mom and all. The girls gush some more about how lucky Alison is that she already has Mr. Right and doesn’t have to date anymore.
Alison is ready to leave; David doesn’t like her driving after dark. Vomit. Natalie/Tootie:
Alison refuses to let any of the girls walk her down to the car, insisting that they need to get ready for their date. Everyone goodbyes, as Jo explains to Blair that her t-shirt/jeans combo is exactly what she intends to wear to their gig tonight.
Fade to the hallway, where Blair is trying to get Jo to at least agree to wear a dead animal (“genuine chinchilla). Mrs. Garrett comes out of her room and chuckles at them before asking where Alison is. Blair explains that she left about an hour ago.
Oh. Oops.
Back from commercial, we learn that Alison left a note: “I’m going away. Please take care of Emily.” Blair continues to defend Alison, as Natalie and Tootie remember the time that Alison and David disappeared for three days. Mrs. Garrett hasn’t been able to get through to Alison’s husband (he’s away hang-gliding), or to Alison’s parents (they’re away snorkeling). Now, they’d have cell phones on which Mrs. G could at least leave a message. “Hello. Your wife/daughter abandoned your daughter/granddaughter with us and we just wanted to let you know.”
Mrs. Garrett says that the baby will have to be their very special guest that night, so Tootie offers to find someone else to take her to the movie. Natalie says she’ll play with her once she’s finished studying. Blair hurries Jo out of the room to keep getting ready and the other girls follow.
That’s not going to happen. Mrs. Garrett reminds them that the baby in their house is all of their responsibility. It doesn’t take much to get all the girls on board, and Tootie delivers the cliché:
“How much work can one little baby be?”
We find out just how much trouble a wailing Emily causes as we fade to the lounge. Blair tells the story of Prince Charles leaving his “lovely, but average bride” and marrying Princess Blair. Tootie tries to calm Emily by making “whooshing” noises that are supposed to emulate the sounds of the womb. Jo suggests that they check the diaper as Natalie comes in the room with a bottle. Tootie insists that she test it on her wrist before feeding it to the baby.
Natalie goes to heat up another bottle as Jo confirms that the diaper is the problem. Yuck. And they’re out of diapers because Blair thought they had to be boiled before using so she ruined all the ones Alison left. Oh, Blair. Mrs. Garrett has gone to get some and she’s still away. Jo offers to wing the baby change as long as she can find something to use as a diaper. She suggests Blair’s chinchilla. I second the motion, but Tootie runs upstairs to find something else.
Tootie returns with a makeshift diaper: Natalie’s pillowcase.
Jo: “Shaun meet Emily; Emily meet Shaun.”
Natalie returns from the kitchen with the bottle, but it still doesn’t stop Emily from crying. Jo finishes diapering her and picks her up.
One of the best parts of the series ever occurs when Natalie indignantly says, “How could you guys!” and someone in the live studio audience literally bark-laughs all by himself. The girls assure Natalie that she’ll get the pillowcase back. Natalie can’t wait.
Later that night, Jo sneaks into Mrs. Garrett’s room to check on the baby. Mrs. Garrett is up too, and they talk about Mrs. Garrett’s memories of her own children. Blair soon joins them, awakened by a nightmare that Jo was trying to fit Emily with little black motorcycle booties. Natalie and Tootie follow, having obsessed about a TV show Natalie saw about what we now call Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Everyone is up, and Mrs. Garrett offers to make cocoa for what is certain to be a long night.
Mrs. Garrett: “Alison!”
Alison: “How’s Emily?”
Blair: “Emily who?”
Oh, snap. Jo tells Alison that Emily is asleep. Mrs. Garrett is kind, but incredulous as she asks Alison where she’s been all night. Allison explains that she realized she was alone for the first time in months and before she knew it she was running away.
Blair berates her, all the way up to and including asking her what kind of mother she is.
“I am a good mother!” Alison retorts. “Does Emily look unhappy to you? Or mistreated? Who do you think is responsible for her? Who feeds her and bathes her? It certainly isn’t David; he has college. It’s me!”
Alison’s anguish continues as she explains that there’s no room in her life for school or friends or dances, and she recalls that her seventeenth birthday present was a playpen. A couple of members of the studio audience chuckle. I won’t begrudge them dealing with something so incredibly sad through humor.
“It isn’t that I wish Emily hadn’t been born. I love my daughter! I just wish that she’d been born…later.”
Having received the magical Mrs. Garrett sympathy pat, Alison goes on to explain that seeing the girls here at school made her realize how much she had missed. Mrs. Garrett encourages Alison to continue to dream and reminds her that she still has a lot of life left.
Blair invites her and Emily to spend the day in Peekskill with them, and although Alison would like to, she can’t; she has too much to do before David gets home. Jo goes to fetch Emily for her.
Blair tries again: the next time she’s in New York, she wants to take Alison and Emily shopping. After all, Emily hasn’t even been to Bloomingdale’s yet.
Blairypie and Alikins share one last hug before Alison leaves with her daughter.
Mrs. Garrett notes that it’s a beautiful day and asks the girls what they’re going to do. Jo wants to work on her bike. Natalie wants to study. Tootie is interested in a matinee in town. Blair doesn’t want to do anything, and she doesn’t have to because she’s a carefree teen unburdened with the responsibilities of parenthood. All the girls reflect on how glad they are to be child-free. That’s a feeling I still revel in at age 43.
