4-22: “Take My Finals, Please!” (Part 1 of 2)
The episode itself is a popular one. It’s one that my sister, a casual Facts fan at most, remembers vividly, and I suspect that if I did an informal poll of which Facts of Life episode people remember most, it would be at least a contender. Mostly for Natalie’s hat. I remember it for a different reason: Tootie Ramsey is the reason that I will always remember that Au is the chemical symbol for gold, and I appreciate that, particularly because I am studying for the bar exam with professors whose suggestions for mnemonics are lousy.
We open with the girls returning to their room at 8:00 p.m., laden with books, a bag of groceries, and a coffee pot. That reminds me of the weekend I spent last year just churning out a paper – I didn’t leave the house and I barely did anything other than work and take the occasional bathroom and sleep break. My biggest lesson of the weekend was that pasta and coffee are not food.
Our Eastland girls don’t have papers to bang out, but they do have final exams tomorrow and Blair has already misplaced a book Jo needs for her modern history test. Her big concern is studying World War II. Blair offers her the helpful information that Germany lost. I bet today Jo could have done all the WWII studying she needed via Wikipedia. Kids these days have it easy.
Everyone is tense – Blair and Jo because they’re taking their “final finals,” while Tootie needs to do well so she can convince her parents to send her to drama camp this summer. Jo wonders whether “drama camp” involves hiking to Hollywood. I have no comment, having attended four straight years of debate camp. Don’t laugh. It’s where I discovered pretty much all of my vices.
Jo lacks sympathy, telling Tootie that if she or Natalie screw up, they have time to bounce back, while if Jo or Blair fail, it’s “straight to the Army.” Snerk. Blair in the Army. Someone with better Photoshop skills than I ought to make that happen.
Meanwhile, superstitious Natalie doesn’t want anyone to say the word “fail.” We learn that Natalie’s dad hasn’t been feeling well and she doesn’t want to add to his stress by doing badly. That’s nice foreshadowing, considering that (SPOILER!) Natalie’s father dies halfway through next season.
Ah – the food! Natalie announces that she’s throwing out the first Oreo and Blair beats Jo to the catch. Jo should be ashamed of herself. And not only do they have Natalie’s cookies and milk, but Mrs. Garrett arrives with “room service.” Natalie is impressed.
The kitchen is closed for the night, which is unusual. In fact, apparently Mrs. Garrett only did it because last year on the night before finals, the girls broke into the kitchen and ate eighty dollars worth of bakers chocolate. I’m pretty sure bakers chocolate is unsweetened. That sounds nasty.
Mrs. Garrett does not approve of the girls’ all-nighter. I share her opinion, particularly when she says that the girls have been keeping up with their studies all semester and they shouldn’t need to cram to do well. Apparently a lot of my classmates pulled all-nighters in law school. I only did once: my very last paper was due on Friday, May 15, and as the days ticked by with me insisting that yes, I really was working on my paper, only in my head, I realized that if I didn’t pick a day to stay up and finish the paper, that day was going to be chosen for me, and it was going to be the night before graduation, with my boyfriend and my parents and my sister in town. I stayed up all night from Sunday, May 10, to Monday, May 11. I got an A+ on the paper. I wish the exams had gone that well. Maybe I should have pulled more all-nighters.
Natalie asks if anyone knows who discovered nitrogen. No one knows. This will be important later. Natalie says that’s why she has to study. Mrs. Garrett heads to bed (at 8:00?), and Natalie declares that they’re going to get down to business and do nothing but work.
I don’t recommend trying to study on one’s bed. Every time I ever tried it I woke up with my face on the right-facing page and a puddle of drool in the binding. I’ve heard people call that “studying by osmosis,” which drives me nuts, because osmosis refers specifically to the traveling of molecules in a solution. They should have called it “studying by diffusion.”
“Susan Berkham owned this book before me,” Tootie announces. Oh God, the distractions. I know them so very well. Every semester when it came time to study for finals, I read this awesome article about procrastination, largely for the purpose of procrastinating. It’s a truism that when one has to study for finals (or finish a dissertation or something like that), one suddenly finds time to do things like paint one’s closet. I have a pair of friends from law school that spent an entire study night watching their laundry spin in the washer and dryer. It’s a trip how much effort one can put into avoiding studying.
And Tootie does, launching into a monologue about how interesting it is that some Eastland girl read those very pages before her, and speculating about where Susan Berkham might be now. I love that they have Tootie do that, because writing lives for strangers is an old acting exercise. Again the attention to character detail makes me beam with pride. Natalie is less entertained, and she shuts Tootie up by kicking her bed.
Blair laments waiting until the last minute, declares that there’s no way to get through it all, and suggests that they play cards. Ha! Another tried-and-true avoidance tactic. “I can’t finish it anyway, so I might as well not start.” That’s one that needs to be gotten under control. I had to get on anxiety meds for my manifestation of that particular technique.
After Jo chews Blair out for wasting time, she, too, finds her distraction, commenting on how Eastland pillows smell. Natalie indignantly reprimands her for interrupting the studying, until Blair busts out Mrs. Garrett’s banana cake. Indeed, Natalie has her distractions too.
We fade to 10:00 p.m. The food has been mowed and Natalie and Tootie are now studying at the table. Natalie wears her infamous hat, while Tootie listens to her Walkman and sings out loud to Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration.” I confess, I hear Tootie every single time I hear that song.
Natalie is annoyed. She has a short fuse this episode, but it’s understandable. She’s an overachiever, and she’s trying to study. Even though she’s always done well in school, she’s probably convinced that it could all come crashing down at any moment and if she doesn’t put in a bunch of work, now will be that time. Who, me? Projecting? Never. Anyway, after Tootie ignores Natalie’s several attempts to tell her to shut up, Natalie gets Tootie’s attention by snapping her pencil in half. Tootie insists that singing helps her think. Natalie says that if Tootie doesn’t put her Walkman away, she’s going to sit on her neck. Natalie is very Jo-like this episode, what with the pissiness and the violence. All she needs is to commit a crime and she’ll have a Jo trifecta.
Tootie takes off her headphones and looks incredulously at Natalie, who has returned to her work.
Natalie furiously glances back and forth with her head down, and it looks hilarious with the hat. I wish I knew how to make a .gif.
“I hate that hat,” Tootie says. Natalie is now the indignant one, explaining that it’s her exam hat and the lightning bolts are her brainwave conductors. They bicker until Blair tells them to shut up, and then asks Jo for her highlighter. Jo says she lost it, even though she’s using it at that moment. It’s retaliation for Blair losing the book, and the two of them start bickering.
It turns out that Natalie is distressed that she has to remember all the chemical symbols for her chemistry exam tomorrow. Hmm. In the season three episode “Mind Your Own Business,” Natalie tutors Blair in chemistry; it doesn’t seem like she ought to be struggling to memorize chemical symbols now. Someone help me retcon this.
“H for hydrogen and C for carbon, fine,” Natalie says, “But Au for gold and Hg for mercury? What madman came up with that?” I try to tell Natalie that it’s because those symbols come from the elements’ Latin names, but she can’t seem to hear me.
But Tootie has an idea! She suggests that Natalie use “word association.” I would use the term “mnemonic.” By the way, it drives me batshit crazy that people so frequently pronounce that word as if it were spelled “neumonic.” I think that might be because their mnemonic for remembering the word is “neuro-,” as in “brain-related.” In fact, the word comes from the Greek “μνημονικός” (pronounced “mnee-mo-nee-KOSE”), meaning “memory.” Merriam-Webster, Google, and Wikipedia all have pronunciation guides (MW and Google have audio), and none of them list “neumonic” as an alternate pronunciation. That is how every single instructor in my bar prep course pronounces it, and it really makes me twitch. And the worst is the instructor who not only mispronounces the word, but gives lousy mnemonics. A mnemonic is no good when it’s got no connection to what you’re trying to remember. Telling me to remember the elements for an easement to transfer by “WITV” doesn’t help when there’s nothing to connect “WITV” to easements. And when you give me several dozen of these meaningless mnemonics, its harder to devote the brain power to remembering the mnemonics than it is to just learn the concepts. It drives me nuts. Luckily I’m taking the class online so they can’t see me cringe.
Clearly I’m deeply troubled by my bar prep course’s treatment of mnemonics (both the word itself and the concept). Tootie does a much better job with Natalie, suggesting that she remember Hg for Mercury by remembering H.G. Wells. I’m not sure how she connects it to mercury yet, since Jo admonishes them to go back to study. But I will always remember that Au is gold, so I’m sure Tootie’s mnemonic for mercury is a good one.
Having been scolded to quiet down, Tootie starts musing about what the point of it all is anyway, and what possible relevance could a Latin verb have in relation to the cosmos. While Natalie groans at Tootie’s cosmos talk, Jo says that the point of an education is to teach you how to think. I’d like to think that this conversation inspired the “what have we learned, and why have we learned it” part of Jo’s terrible graduation speech.
Tootie rebuts this theory in relation to her, declaring:
“I’m going to be an actress! I don’t need to think!”
Yikes. I suppose in context it’s kind of meta, though, since the line is delivered by Kim Fields, an actress herself. Heavy. She finishes the thought after the laugh track’s “nervous laughter” setting, pointing out that “An actress needs to feel.” Oh. Still. Natalie says that she’s going to be a journalist and a journalist needs to study, once again harshing the buzz.
The girls go on talking about what they want to do, and Jo says she’d like to teach kids. Score another for series continuity, since Jo is working toward a teaching career in season seven. Blair makes an obligatory Jo-is-a-hoodlum joke before Natalie panics.
She has just noticed that they’re out of food. Perhaps they still had a few cookies left when I noticed that they were out of food a long time ago. Tootie suggests pizza. When Blair doubts that they can find pizza delivery at 11:00 at night on a weekday, Jo says she knows an all night place, but it’s twenty miles away. Natalie doesn’t care. Call them, she says. “Deep dish, with everything on it.” I prefer thin crust, myself.
Suddenly we see a note being slipped under the door…
It reads “Daniel Rutherford.” The hell?
OH – Daniel Rutherford discovered nitrogen!
At midnight, the girls are in their pajamas (bad idea. Once you put on the pajamas you’re one step closer to “I’ll just sleep for ten minutes” territory, which we all know NEVER WORKS OUT.), and Natalie is pacing, waiting for the pizza. Chill out, sister. The place is twenty miles away and it’s only been an hour. You’re lucky they come all the way to the boonies at all.
Jo also tells Natalie to chill, but Natalie whines that she’s hungry. Tootie says Natalie can have her chocolate milk, and offers to warm it for her. Isn’t warm milk supposed to make you sleepy? That seems like a bad idea. But forth Tootie goes, to plug in the warmer for the milk. This will be important later.
Blair says that she has something to take their minds off food, and she begins to read to us from what appears to be a terrible novel.
“He got up quickly, and went to her. ‘I’m very glad you have come,’ she said. He squeezed her hand. Her face flushed hotly. At that moment, he kissed her.”
Natalie says it’s no help going from food to sex when she’s not getting either. Ha! I love Natalie, even if she is a little crabby in this episode. Blair says the passage reminds her of her old boyfriend Chad (?), because he was a great kisser. She says you’d think kissing would be easy, but there’s a real knack to it that you’ve either got it or you don’t. Natalie scores another point by saying, “And I’ve got it.” And then she asks Blair if she’s ever “flushed hotly.” Awesome.
Wait, I think they’re using “flushed hotly” as a euphemism for sex. Blair says she’s never flushed hotly, but she’s been warm a couple of times, and Jo says, “Don’t even ask.” I like it. I’m going to start using “flush hotly” as a euphemism for sex.
Enter Mrs. Garrett. She was just brushing her teeth and saw the light was on so she decided to check on them. I guess when she said she was going to bed at 8:00 it was like what I mean when I say “I’m going to bed,” namely, “I’m going to sit down with my iPad and read meaningless Internet shit for an hour or so, then brush my teeth and wash my face and maybe watch a little TV AND THEN I’m going to bed.”
When Tootie says she’s tired, Mrs. Garrett admonishes them that they need sleep. Jo protests that there’s no time, and Mrs. Garrett suggests a ten-minute cat nap! NO, MRS. GARRETT! THE TEN-MINUTE CAT NAP NEVER EVER WORKS!!!
I should clarify that I’m not categorically against ten-minute cat naps. I’ve often found them useful. I’ve taken three-minute naps on the toilet that have been quite useful. But those are for when absolutely must sleep and it’s all the time you have. They don’t work once you’ve decided you’re pulling an all-nighter. You also can’t say that you’re going to go to sleep and just get up really really early to finish, because that won’t work either. Once you decide you’re working until it’s done, going to sleep before it’s done is giving in, and you’ll just stay asleep. My sister and I had this very discussion recently, when we’d spent the better part of a day driving from Albuquerque to Boulder and we needed to make cupcakes for an event the next day. We were both exhausted and even as we mentioned the catnap and the get-up-early options, we knew they were impossible. Lo, we baked.
The photo is a little fuzzy. So were we.
Oh no. Tootie and Blair have decided that it’s a good idea to take a nap. “Just rest our eyes,” Tootie says. Yep, that’s exactly how it starts. Jo protests that she’s not tired and tries to stifle a yawn. Tootie and Mrs. Garrett pile on until Jo agrees. But only for ten minutes. She orders Blair to set the alarm. The clock reads 12:10. The clock’s plug reads “D’oh!”
At 2:00 a.m., the girls are all still asleep. While they might argue that if the alarm had gone off, they would have gotten up after ten minutes, I think it’s far more likely that they would have hit snooze until 2:00. That’s what I’d’ve done in their situation.
Friends, especially Elizabeth, please weigh in on this dilemma I’ve just encountered. We contract “I would have” to “I’d’ve” in speech (and “she would have” as “she’d’ve,” and so forth), but it is indeed a double contraction. Is it a permissible word (I have no idea if double contractions are allowed and if it’s controversial, I’m open to arguments either way by people who feel more strongly than I do), and, if so, have I spelled it correctly? I mean, there are apostrophes where the missing letters would go, so it should be legit, but it is a tad awkward.
Grammar dilemmas aside, Jo wakes up, realizes it’s 2:00, and panics. Jo notices that the plug is out and deduces that it must’ve (single contraction) happened when Tootie plugged in the warmer for the milk. Everyone piles on until guilty party Tootie is in a full-blown fight (not physical) with overachiever Natalie. During the screaming, Natalie, who had taken off her exam hat to sleep, defiantly puts it on, and Tootie dissolves into laughter. Jo reprimands them but also starts cracking up as soon as she sees Natalie. Blair soon follows.
“Oh, good, good. I’m losing a bolt! I’m working at half wattage here!” Natalie responds when she figures out what they’re laughing at. God I love her. It’s a good time to remember that Mindy Cohn, who played Natalie, wasn’t even an actress. Charlotte Rae found her at a girls’ school she visited to research her part, and loved her so much she had them create a role for her. In a very few scenes, throughout the series, you can see some little indication of the fact that the show was her first acting role ever. Here you can see her trying to suppress laughter when the other three girls are cracking up and she is supposed to be pissed. It’s the kind of fun detail that I enjoy geeking out over.
Suddenly the door opens and it’s Mrs. Garrett with the PIZZA!!
I want very much to get a post up and there’s still a lot left. Plus if it gets too long it will be too much of a commitment for you. Also I really should start making dinner. What I’m saying is that this episode is good enough to warrant being done in two parts. I hope you enjoyed it. Conclusion to come shortly.
