6-13: “Christmas in the Big House”

Greetings, dear readers. I have been MIA for two months, and for that I apologize. In the future, I may just schedule November and December as vacation months.

The last two months have been interesting; I passed the bar exam and became a practicing lawyer as an associate in a small law firm. I am also volunteering with the county’s juvenile services division on their restorative justice effort. I got engaged and will be getting married at the end of the month. Plus I got a comment on this post which encouraged me to write something a little more in depth on the topic, but that will take a bit longer. And I am reading Charlotte Rae’s autobiography, and there are some good bits in it that deserve coverage. It should be a great 2016!

In any case, I owe you a holiday gift. A Christmas episode recap, of course. My favorite Christmas episode ever . So rather than blither and blather and blubber about it, let’s just get to the recap, shall we?

We open at Edna’s Edibles, where Mrs. Garrett gives away product to her customers.

Jo asks WTF, and gently chastises Mrs. Garrett for running the only retail store in the USA that loses money at Christmas. Mrs. Garrett explains that she thinks that’s what Christmas is for: giving, generosity, that sort of thing. Jo thinks it’s nice, but bad business, and she sighs heavily when a new customer enters the store and Mrs. Garrett foists a fruitcake on him.

Tootie and Natalie sit at a table in the shop talking about their Christmas plans. They plan to take the train to DC to spend Christmas with Tootie’s family. Natalie, recall is Jewish, so her excitement centers on wanting to stalk the Senate pages, who surely are aimless and available with Congress adjourned. That’s my Nat. Always on the prowl.

Jo continues to Bah Humbug as Mrs. Garrett tries to give away more free cookies. Mrs. Garrett then eagerly asks the girls what time they’re going to go caroling, and I make a mental note to avoid Edna Garrett during the holidays. Tootie and Natalie aren’t crazy about the idea either; apparently last year everyone just slammed the door in their faces and they got chased by dogs. That’s funny. I’d give cash money to see that reenacted.

Jo can’t go caroling because she has too many things to do before she has to catch the five o’clock train tomorrow to go to the city for a big party her friends are throwing for her. Mrs. Garrett acknowledges that they’re all busy, but she hopes they don’t get too busy to remember the real meaning of Christmas. Nothing subtle about that foreshadowing.

Blair, who has just sauntered in, apparently to move cupcakes from one tray to another, announces that she and her friends have decided to do something meaningful this year, so they’ve volunteered to do a show for little boys at the Nickelby House. She just loves how Dickensian that sounds. The rich giving platitudes to poor and orphaned children? Yep, she understands Dickens.

Blair’s gross friends enter the shop with high-pitched greetings and air kisses.

They tell Blair that they’ve booked a jazz band for the party, which Mrs. Garrett thinks the children will enjoy, until they explain that the band is for the bash at the country club after they entertain the children. Because of course. They leave the shop, and Mrs. Garrett takes the opportunity to mock them having a bash at the club after they’re gone.

The next day, Jo packs a bag and Jolly Ol’ Mrs. Garrett, clad in a green dress with an actual gift bow on the cleavage, insists on an egg nog toast before everyone leaves.

Mrs. Garrett is happy to to thrust a cup of egg nog in Blair’s hand as she enters the room, but Blair is clearly distracted. Why? Well, it turns out that Blair’s Dickensian Nickelby house is not a home for little boys, but rather the name of the rec room in the state prison.

I wish I could remember how I reacted when I first saw this episode. Now that I have some more life experience behind me and I’m aware of how miserably this country treats inmates and I’ve spent time among incarcerated individuals as well as those who have been released, I’d think what a great opportunity this was to bring some joy to people who are generally forgotten by society. I also don’t like kids, so I’d a million times rather perform in a prison than a home for young boys. But I didn’t know all of this when I was a wee tween/teen watching this episode for the first time, so it’s entirely possible that I reacted like Blair, which is basically, “Yuck, prisoners.”

Blair has already called the prison to cancel, but the warden’s lackey has already left to pick them up. She plans to tell him that they’re sick when he shows.

That is really really shitty.

Jo is as horrified as I am. She tells Blair that the men are expecting them and they can’t let them down. Blair says, “but they’re convicts.” Ugh. Jo reminds Blair that they’re still people, and that her dad was locked up. Mrs. Garrett agrees that it would be unconscionable for Blair to pull out at this point. Blair continues to be petulant.

Oh God, now Blair tries to argue that “parading an attractive young woman” in front of the inmates wouldn’t be fair to them. Jo then has an outstanding monologue mocking the slacktivism of the socialite do-gooder. Jo pisses me off a lot of the time, but she sure does own it in this episode.

The doorbell rings, and of course it’s the warden’s guy. Blair pathetically explains that they thought the Nickelby house was a home for little boys, and they’re not going to go because they’re afraid. The warden’s guy reasonably tells her it’s silly to be afraid (seriously – what does she think they’re going to do inside the walls of the prison?), and Blair acknowledges that that’s probably true, but they simply refuse to go. Dude plays this perfectly – his face basically reads terribly disappointed, but not surprised.

Jo jumps up and asks him if they’d be interested in a piano player (we learned at the beginning of season six that she plays; I must recap that gem of an episode), and he is enthusiastic. When Tootie asks her what about the party she was so excited about, she jokes that her friends can take care of themselves just fine.

This show and its nuanced characters. Jo is such a drag sometimes, and she’s got a stick up her butt despite the fact that she commits crimes repeatedly, but she’s totally the one – the only one – who would insist on fulfilling someone else’s commitment at her own expense for a greater good.

Once Jo’s in, it’s no surprise that Mrs. Garrett wants to come along too. And dammit, she’s taking her fruitcakes. Once again, our warden guy nails the facial expression – grateful, relieved, hopeful. No wonder he’s been such a busy TV actor.

Natalie and Tootie try to get out of it, and they throw in another joke about the inmates being scary and dangerous, but ultimately they agree to come too. And then there’s Blair.

But ultimately, she also reluctantly agrees to come, on the condition that she doesn’t have to get out of the van.

At the prison, the girls and Mrs. Garrett get ready to perform the “Christmas show [they] did two years ago,” which would have been Blair and Jo’s senior year in high school. Apparently they did this Christmas show for kids. Natalie is skeptical that it will go over well with the inmates, but it’s what they handily had prepared, so they’re going in. Blair, who got out of the van after all, declares that she’s going to sit in a corner and hope for the night to end quickly.

The first number has a Scroogy Jo and an elfy Natalie singing and dancing with Mrs. G on the piano.

The men seem to enjoy it, but moreover, the joy that the girls themselves feel when they get offstage is palpable.

Next up, Mrs. Garrett sings O Holy Night solo. Before she begins performing, though, she Mrs. Garretts the inmates.

It’s very nice, and it underscores that Jo and Mrs. Garrett are the only ones who really understand that the inmates are people. Natalie and Tootie are in with their friends, but they keep making the scary and dangerous comments about the inmates and it makes me cringe. Jo, of course, has sympathy for the inmates because her father was one, but Mrs. Garrett is just a good egg. I mentioned that I’m reading Charlotte Rae’s biography, and she, too, is a good egg. I often comment about how great this cast is together, and I think it’s not incidental that they’re all fundamentally decent people.

Mrs. Garrett sings, and it’s lovely. Also, I’ve only now noticed that it’s not a bow on her cleavage, but rather, plastic holly berries.

There’s a bit of a continuity error in that Jo plays piano here, so presumably she also played piano when they did the show two years ago. But no one knew she played piano until the beginning of season six. It’s easily retconned, though, and since this episode is so wonderful, it’s forgiven.

Tootie is next, rocking a medley of Jingle Bell Rock and Winter Wonderland before slowing it down for Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. She’s great, but it’s a little disturbing to think that she’s only a junior in high school. Kim Fields herself is only about 16 here.

The inmates really get into Tootie’s number, clapping their hands and snapping their fingers. Except for the poor dude who doesn’t seem to be able to figure out what to do with his hands.

Backstage, everyone is very excited to hear the response. The inmates are cheering and the girls and Mrs. Garrett clearly enjoyed themselves. The warden dude comes back and tells them that it’s going great and he can’t wait to see what’s next.

What’s next? That’s all they have. D’oh! The inmates start chanting, “More show! More show!” The warden says he’ll stall them while they think of an encore. Despite their participation and the joy they got from it, Natalie and Tootie are still eager to sprint to the van and get back home. Jo reins them in, and Mrs. Garrett gives an impassioned Mrs. Garrett speech.

“When we leave here, we all go home to have Christmas with our families. But for these men, we’re just about all the Christmas they’re going to get. We all showed the true Christmas spirit today, but how about a little more?”

Jo, of course, is the first to jump up and offer to go back on stage and play some more music. But she is stopped. By Blair.

Blair’s heart has grown three sizes, and she declares it her turn to perform.

She sings “I’ll Be Home for Christmas,” which is a bit of a weird choice to sing to inmates, but I guess the point of the song is that one is “home” for Christmas even if they can’t really be actually physically home. In the second chorus, the whole cast joins and the performance turns into a sing-along.

And with that, the very first Facts of Life Christmas special gives us a meaningful, warming show, reminding watchers of our privilege.

Have a very Merry Christmas! And remember the spirit of giving and sharing, especially with those who are suffering. And there’s no need to confine such spirit to Christmas.