1-4 “I.Q.”

Holy mother of God it’s been a batshit few months. There’s the pandemic, and the election, and my own personal shit. Divorce is no joke, y’all, and the circumstances of mine were pretty objectively terrible. I have joked in the past that the pandemic didn’t hit me as hard as it did everyone else, ’cause I’d been dealing with isolation and loneliness and unemployment and uncertainty about my future for a year already.

So I end up spending a lot of time with myself, considering who I am and what I stand for, and what I am willing to tolerate. The U.S Presidential administration of the last four years helped to illuminate the difference between “political leanings” and more sinister concepts like “commitment to democracy” and “basic humanity.” In that arena, I’ve drawn some lines. For example, the morning after the election, a friend posted something on her Facebook suggesting that the Democrats were manufacturing votes for Biden. I had already looked the other way on some differences between us pertaining to issues such as law enforcement and immigration, but this slanderous accusation of outright dishonesty crossed a line for me. I confirmed that she in fact held that opinion, and severed the friendship. And that was a person I actually gave two shits about, so when one Julie Peikarski, better known at Eastland School for Girls as Sue Ann Weaver, started posting on her Facebook some bullshit about how the incumbent could still win, well, you might say that I bristled.

The bullshit in question is a gross misreading/conflation of parts of the United States Constitution and its Amendments, and it doesn’t deserve any further attention. I bring it up only because Ms. Piekarski’s choice to back this uninformed opinion evoked a bit of an Emperor’s Clothes reaction in this Facts devotee, which was immediately replaced by petty glee as it occurred to me that I hadn’t yet recapped the episode in which (spoiler!) Sue Ann has the lowest I.Q. score among the girls. Before we go any further, let me make it clear that I think I.Q. scores are bullshit. I was recently asked for my I.Q. on an application (totally optional, legal, and understandable in the context of the thing), and I reported my extremely high grade-school I.Q. score with the annotation, “I.Q. is bullshit, though.”

So much for my “I.Q.” anyway. After finishing this recap and going into my season 1 recaps to get some links, I found out that I recapped this episode last summer! I am much more sympathetic to Sue Ann in the old recap, possibly because I didn’t yet know that her actress is a right-wing conspiracy theorist, and possibly also because I am far less critical of myself these days than I was last year. I’m getting ever closer to declaring, without qualification, that I am indeed a total badass. Watch this space.

The screen caps from the old recap and this new one are almost 1:1 identical. That makes sense; one might expect important shots that advance the story to be consistent. I still find it entertaining. And it gives you a game to play while I get my shit together and get back to writing regular recaps! Of episodes I haven’t done yet! For real this time!

At Eastland, the girls fret about their midterm exams. Studying comes with food, duh, and Blair and Sue Ann enter with the goods.

The other girls descend upon the snack tray like hyenas and scurry upstairs to continue studying. Blair undercuts a favorite myth about millennials by offering Mrs. Garrett some avocado spread. Mrs. G replies with a fat joke, but it’s OK, we’ll get to that in three episodes.

Nancy returns downstairs to plead with Sue Ann to help her study, declaring that Sue Ann is her educational security blanket. This may or may not be important later.

Enter Mr. Bradley, and we learn that Mrs. Garrett is taking flying lessons! Apparently she’s afraid of flying, and she decided to deal with it by learning how to do it herself. You go, badass! Mr. Bradley says some sexist garbage but who cares; the important question is: Why for the rest of the life of this show do we never return to the fact that Mrs. Garrett is a goddamn pilot?

Seth Macfarlane, I’m summoning you for an animated TV series about Mrs. G piloting a little plane and going around the world solving problems. Call me.

Ms. Mahoney somehow knows to find Mr. Bradley in this dorm and she arrives with a copy of the history test she’s administering tomorrow, as well as some mail for him that was misdirected to her. He announces with glee that it’s all the girls’ I.Q. scores. The fact that the girls range in grade from six to nine and have presumably been at the school for different lengths of time is not addressed.

Mrs. G immediately expresses skepticism at the concept of relying on a test administered “way back” in grade school (not so “way back” for Tootie, Natalie, or Molly), and Mr. Bradley retorts with some classist and sexist garbage. Ms. Mahoney mediates by insisting that it’s just a guideline, and that the kids aren’t supposed to see the score.

I’m not certain how the kids not seeing the scores is supposed to make it better. If the educational institution they’re attending is allowing I.Q. scores to affect their treatment of the students, then they’re being affected by the scores. But anyway, the whole point is that the kids gonna see the scores. You know why?

Tootie clarifies that they’re Stanford-Binet scores, and I learn that it’s most likely the very same I.Q. test that I took. The test was updated to the fourth edition in 1986, which would have been when I started sixth grade and Facts started season eight. Tootie’s eyes grow wide as she realizes that the test score standings are not what she expected them to be.

Upstairs, there’s no foreshadowing at all as Nancy begs Sue Ann to fill her in on the Louisiana Purchase. Sue Ann recites some facts primarily so Blair can make a joke about charging. Credit cards weren’t as ubiquitous in 1979 as they are now. There’s a whole episode about Natalie mishandling her credit in one of the later seasons. It’s a very underrated episode. I’ll recap that one next.

Tootie rolls into the room and announces that she has a secret: she knows who the “smartest” girl in school is, and who the “dumbest” girl in school is. Nancy announces that everyone knows that the smartest girl is Sue Ann, and Sue Ann false-modesties a, “Not necessarily.”

Tootie: “She’s right. It’s not her.”

Following a Blair joke, Tootie announces that Nancy is number one. Nancy protests, and Tootie declares that she has the I.Q. scores to prove it. She shares each girl’s score with her one at a time, prefacing Natalie’s with the information that Natalie and Tootie have the same score.

Natalie: “I knew we were soul sisters!”

The list gets loose, and Molly announces to everyone’s shock that Sue Ann has the lowest score on the list. Sue Ann grabs the list and turns despondent, dramatically congratulating Nancy for being so smart before she slumps on the bed.

Molly tries to mollify (snerk) her by sharing the story of her family friend who has an even lower I.Q. than her but who, despite his shortcomings, made it all the way through junior college and became the most successful dog catcher in a small New Jersey town. The studio audience guffaws with classism. Definitely not Molly’s finest moment.

Nancy is the most reasonable person in the room, pointing out that Sue Ann has always gotten good grades, and this information shouldn’t change anything. Natalie and Tootie are dicks as Natalie says that she and Tootie would be glad to tutor Sue Ann, and Tootie adds that it’ll cost her. Not their finest moment. The show is still finding its sea legs.

Enter Mrs. Garrett, looking for help with a math something or other related to her piloting study. She heads straight for Sue Ann, who dramatically throws her head back, tells Mrs. G to ask Nancy, and flees. Mrs. G demands to know what’s up, and when the story about the I.Q. scores comes up, Tootie is, though she doesn’t say it, in trou-ble.

Sue Ann is next on the list to get Real Talk from Mrs. G, and our next scene has Sue Ann joining Mrs. G in her bedroom

Mrs. G comforts Sue Ann by analogizing to the fact that she’s flying her first solo the next day. She tells Sue Ann that if Tootie announced a low I.Q. score during her solo flight, she wouldn’t let it affect her, and it shouldn’t affect Sue Ann, who has always done well on her exams and gotten good grades. Sue Ann remains despondent, protesting that she doesn’t hear the ones on the top of the list complaining.

In the other room, Nancy complains that everyone has been bugging her for help all the time in the hours(?) since Tootie leaked the scores, and she can’t take the pressure anymore. She and Blair bicker and Nancy wishes that things could go back to the way they were, when Sue Ann was the smartest and everyone went to her for help.

The next day, Sue Ann and Nancy bicker as they wait for the exam scores to be posted. Sue Ann is an asshole about how Nancy shouldn’t be worried about anything, being the smartest girl in school and all. Nancy protests that she guessed at half the answers, and I really think that she has the high ground here: she was nervous yesterday asking for Sue Ann’s help, while Sue Ann was confident as a cucumber until all the I.Q. nonsense gave her a meltdown.

The girls start progressing toward making up, and it’s weird because there’s really no reason they ought to be fighting with each other. They both wish things could go back to the way things were, and I’m trying really hard not to be biased, but Sue Ann is just the worst. Nancy has a legit complaint: people are bugging her all the time now expecting her to know things that she doesn’t know. Sue Ann is just bitching about not being number one on the list.

Mrs. G flits in delightfully, announcing that she’s on her way to the airfield for her first solo.

Upon seeing Sue Ann and Nancy’s glum faces, she immediately 180s and demands to know what the problem is. Sue Ann wails that they took their midterms, and once again Mrs. G reminds her that they always do well and that they’ll be fine.

Mrs. Mahoney conveniently enters right at that moment, with all the other girls hot on her trail. Why girls in three or four different grades are in the same history class is not explained. Mrs. G asks Mrs. Mahoney to reassure Nancy and Sue Ann that they did fine.

They didn’t; they both failed.

Mrs. G sits down on the couch with them, and I begin to worry about her getting to the airfield on time for her solo flight. I’mma be pissed if this nonsense costs Mrs. G her pilot’s license.

Mrs. G tries to reassure them that next time they’ll do better, but Sue Ann dramas that there won’t be a next time because she’s LEAVING EASTLAND. AND SO IS NANCY!

Elsewhere, Tootie executes her punishment for leaking the scores and gives birth to a long-term opening credits shot.

Mr. Bradley clarifies that “dittos are not satisfactory,” before Mrs. Garrett enters with Nancy and Sue Ann in tow. She informs Mr. Bradley that his I.Q. obsession has gone so far that Nancy and Sue Ann are packing to leave school. Mr. Bradley expresses surprise, then makes a stupid joke about Sue Ann being stupid. Sue Ann whines that Mr. Bradley is just like everyone else, while Nancy declares that she can’t take the pressure.

Ms. Mahoney enters and demands to know what’s going on. Mr. Bradley explains that the girls are upset about their I.Q. scores and he’s comforting them.

Ms. Mahoney notes Mr. Bradley’s extraordinary progress, and Mrs. G wisely suggests that what would be really helpful to the girls would be if Mr. Bradley would share his score. He says he’ll be happy to contact his old schools, and Mrs. G continues to bait him, pointing out that if I.Q. scores are so darned important, then why doesn’t he know his?

He makes excuses, and Mrs. G deftly redirects the conversation to suggesting that her I.Q. could very well be higher than his. He, predictably, is an asshole.

Mrs. G suggests taking an I.Q. test together, right now! Mr. Bradley says that he’d love to, but the school simply doesn’t have any tests available.

Ms. Mahoney: “Yes we do, Mr. Bradley! They sent a sample I.Q. test with those scores you sent away for!”

Mrs. G joyfully sits down and demands to get started as the studio audience applauds.

Mrs. Mahoney begins reading the questions, and I’m not sure if I believe that they are questions from an I.Q. test as opposed to something more like an SAT. It’s not important; the important part is how our two examinees are reacting to the questions.

Our exercise changes from spot the pattern to define the word, an exercise which I’m absolutely certain was not on an elementary school I.Q. test, especially with words like “sudorific.” I had to look it up. Apparently it refers to something that causes sweating. Mrs. G knows. Mr. Bradley doesn’t.

Next word: Octillion. I didn’t know that one right off the top of my head, but I presumed it was a number. Indeed, Google helpfully supplies that it’s ten to the twenty-seventh power, otherwise known as a one followed by twenty-seven zeroes.

Mr. Bradly: “Ah! Octillion! Now there is a word!”
Mrs. Garrett: “Don’t put down a kind of dance, ’cause that’s a cotillion.”

A Kavanagh face and a furiously erased hole in his paper later, Mr. Bradley stands up, crumples his paper, and announces that I.Q. tests don’t mean a thing.

Mr. Bradley protests a bunch of excuses that Mrs. G manipulates into getting him to admit that I.Q. tests are meaningless. Ms. Mahoney contributes that in all the years that they’ve been giving I.Q. tests, no one has ever been able to prove that they provide any meaningful information about what a person can accomplish.

Right, Mr. Bradley, who just blew the test?

Everyone throws in a few more digs in at Mr. Bradley’s garbage performance on the five exam questions he was given before he gives official confirmation that the girls will be allowed to re-take their midterms.

FINALLY Mrs. G remembers she has a flying lesson to get to and she scurries off, and I guess she fails because we never hear of her flying again.