1-5 “Overachieving”

When I drew numbers out of the empty yogurt container again this week, I drew 5-1, which I’ve already done, and it’s a delightful little recap, if I do say so myself. But I haven’t done 1-5, and wouldn’t you know it; the fates have struck again as the episode picked by chance bears resemblance to my current existence. It’s about following passions and choosing what makes you happy. It makes me happy to write this blog.

It’s season one, so Tootie, Natalie, and Molly Ringwald are all tiny little babies.

Molly wants Mrs. Garrett to tune her “guitar” (shh! no one tell her it’s a ukelele!). Nearby, Blair paints Sue Ann with a tennis racket as a follow-up to her painting of a football player. I love that art is such a consistent characteristic for her. Terrible jokes are made, and we learn that Career Day is on the horizon. In this episode, Natalie has an Amazing Disappearing Sibling, specifically, a sister who is a flight attendant, but it’s 1979 so they call her a stewardess.

Oh hay! Even as a little baby Natalie has lines that foreshadow the pillar of sex-positivity she is to become. She proudly boasts that her sister has two first-class boyfriends and one in coach. The studio audience laughs. No one slut-shames her. It’s glorious.

Tootie’s dad is going to talk about a “career for women in law.”

Why are there so many words there? Why is he not just coming to talk about “being a lawyer”?

I want to teach a pre-law workshop for high school or early undergraduate students. I feel like if I had had a better understanding of what “law school” really was and what it meant to “be a lawyer,” I wouldn’t have pursued it and instead would have stayed on the career path I was on, and back into which I am currently trying to get. I also believe that if more low-access students had access to this information, the ones that did end up choosing to pursue law careers will be more suited to the profession and would thrive. It’s a win-win. Invite me to Eastland for Career Day, plz.

Oh hay! Tootie’s mother is a lawyer too.

Tootie: “She couldn’t come because she had to stay back in Washington to defend some crooks.”
Natalie: “In or out of the government?”

The studio audience guffaws, and I hold back my tears. If they only knew. I hope that when this is read next year, we’ll look back on this with incredulity. I hope that we can read this next year.

NEWAY

All this time, Tootie and Natalie have been doing hair and nails and face creams.

Tootie says she wants to look good for her father, who hasn’t seen her since she became “a sex symbol.” Ew. And also, if they only knew.

Mr. Ramsey enters right at that moment, and Tootie proudly introduces him to all her friends, including Mrs. Garrett. She mentions that Mrs. Garrett is teaching her everything she needs to know for when she goes to beauty school.

He doesn’t get a chance to inquire further, though, because Mr. Bradley exclaims how exciting it must’ve been to be legal advisor to two presidents and more political jokes must be made. Also, we learn that Tootie’s dad is “Rifle” Ramsey, all-American quarterback at Syracuse and Phi Beta Kappa. Mr. Bradley makes some sad attempts to bro-bond, but Mr. Ramsey just wants to know about how his daughter is doing at Eastland, and why she passed up the opportunity to take speed-reading.

That sounds goofy for an elective at a prestigious prep school, but it is a talent that would come in exceedingly handy for a lawyer.

Tootie is more interested in talking about her nails, and the fact that what she’s learning from Mrs. Garrett will get her into any beauty school she wants.

It’s important to note that Tootie is in sixth grade here. So when Sir Ramsey gets all huffy about his daughter’s “goals,” it’s really annoying. And anyway, what a great opportunity this would be to encourage Tootie, and talk about what it would take to open up her own salon, or to develop her skills toward work in Hollywood or on Broadway, or literally anything other than giving a sanctimonious speech to Mr. Bradley about how Mrs. Garrett is “a domestic” who has too much influence on Tootie. Mr. Ramsey demands that Mr. Bradley tell Mrs. Garrett to stay away from his daughter.

Upstairs, Tootie and Natalie do Sue Ann’s hair. Mrs. G comes in with cupcakes and cocoa and for the briefest second, there’s a shot of the whole cast.

Oh snap, not quite; there’s no Molly.

Mrs. G asks if they’ve all finished their career day papers, and among the murmurs, Nancy announces that she’s going to be a psychiatrist in Hollywood (indeed she was! But that plan got interrupted), and Blair declares that she’s going to show her paintings at the MOMA (Blair loves the MOMA) and win acting awards and then marry the president of General Motors. Oh hay, there’s Molly! She tells Blair that that’ll never happen.

Blair: “Why not?”
Molly: “Because I’m going to be the president of General Motors.”

Heterosexism aside, I like how Molly thinks, and so does the studio audience. They go wild, Mrs. G does a little happy dance, and we get a whole-cast shot for real this time.

Wait, no – damn. Tootie’s missing. Also, I have a hard time believing that little activist Molly aspires to a career in corporate greed. Oh hay I was right! When Mr. Bradly comes into the room to talk to Mrs. Garrett, Molly flings off her corporate chains and announces she’s going to be “the Joan Baez of the 80s.”

The skies are junky
The lakes are chunky
The oceans are gunky
I feel like a lab monkey
Stop grossin’ up America
You turkeys

We shift from adorable baby Molly Ringwald to adorable baby Natalie and Tootie, who plan to “study with Vidal Sassoon to learn advanced Sassooning.”

Mr. Bradley shoos all the girls out of Mrs. Garrett’s room so he can talk to her privately about next week’s menu. She’s no fool. As soon as the girls are gone she asks him what’s on his mind. He explains that Mr. Ramsey is concerned about the development of Tootie’s interests and he blames someone close to her. Concerned, Mrs. G immediately hopes it isn’t Natalie, and Mr. Bradley confirms that it isn’t. Mrs. G runs through the list of girls and can’t believe it’s any of them, as Mr. Bradley clumsily discusses the cocoa. Finally Mrs. Garrett figures out it’s her.

In our next scene, Tootie comes downstairs as Mrs. G sets up chairs, and the scene is heartbreaking as Tootie begs Mrs. G to teach her how to pluck her eyebrows and Mrs. G can only give non-committal “not today” responses. Tootie walks away feeling like Mrs. G just doesn’t like her anymore and she is hangdog as she goes back upstairs. She passes Sue Ann and Blair on the way up, and Blair weirdly pats her on the butt.

Mrs. G fails to keep her cool around Sue Ann and Blair, and she explains to them that Mr. Ramsey thinks she’s a bad influence. It just takes a tiny bit of “you’re kidding” with a dash of “that’s ridiculous” to get the pep back in Mrs. G’s step, and she declares that she’s “gonna give ol’ Rifle Ramsey a taste of Garrett Gunpowder.”

After just a moment of “oops,” though, Mrs. G badasses her way through owning her indignance at Mr. Ramsey’s assessment of the situation. Shockingly, he apologizes immediately! He has concluded that Mrs. Garrett isn’t the problem – just the symptom. He has decided to take Tootie out of Eastland.

Fade to commercial.

We return to a sad little Tootie rolling back and forth between her dresser and the suitcase on the bed, carrying one clothing item at a time. Natalie looks on very sadly, while Nancy folds clothes over Tootie’s protestations because “When [she’s] upset, [she] straighten[s] things.” That could be indicia of pathology, Nancy. You’ll learn that studying psychiatry. Cindy, Sue Ann, and Molly rush in demanding to know if it’s true, and Tootie makes a “toot-toot-Tootie, goodbye” joke. She says that her father thinks Eastland is in the way of her reaching her potential.

A problem with the word “potential” is that it implies some kind of future value, but there’s so much variation between what people can value. There’s also the matter of Mr. Ramsey’s elitism in automatically dismissing “beautician” as a valid direction, and also the fact that there are so many ways he can direct that interest in a more academic area of which he might approve. I already talked about that.

Blair makes a very sad joke about how it’s easier with divorced parents because they just send money and smile a lot. This shit is getting dark.

Oh shit, it gets darker when Tootie reports that her dad told her she had the potential to be a young Margaret Thatcher. Run, Tootie, run! None of the other girls know who Margaret Thatcher is, except Blair, who knows her as “one of the ten worst-dressed women in the world.” If only that was the limit of her crimes.

Natalie sadly laments the end of “Nat and Toot’s Beauty Salon,” and Tootie protests that they’re going to have their shop no matter what.

Natalie wants to make sure Tootie won’t forget her.

Oh hay! Opening credits shot!

Mrs. Garrett enters, and all the girls are sad. Tootie says her dad is mean. Mrs. Garrett gives her a shoulder pat, but it’s not enough.

Mrs. Garrett suddenly decides that they’re not going to give Tootie up without a fight, and that they’ll come up with some crafty way to persuade Mr. Ramsey to let Tootie stay.

It’s career day! While Blair’s painting sits on an easel nearby, Mr. Ramsey talks about how law firms are beginning to “open their doors to female lawyers.” If you want to get even more ill, read about Bradwell v. Illinois. This is the kind of thing that makes me feel like I have some sort of obligation to use my law license. My good friend once commented that one of my favorite things to do is put unnecessary pressure on myself. I’m working on that. Mrs. Garrett is working on her needlepoint.

He concludes with this analogy, which is actually fairly apt:

“A law career is like an old jalopy: if you really want it to work, you’ve got to get behind it and push!”

Everyone applauds except Natalie and Tootie, who look miserable. Natalie’s sister was apparently the only other speaker at career day, and when Mr. Bradley opens the floor up for questions, he tells them not to ask anything personal like they asked Natalie’s sister. Natalie cringes. No one elaborates. Blair asks the first question.

“Mr. Ramsey, isn’t it illegal to yank a student out of school against her will?”

Mr. Ramsey does not say, “Well, Blair, while it’s illegal to withhold an education from a child, that is not what I’m doing here. I’m merely transferring her from one ritzy private school to another,” preferring to settle for the succinct, “not to my knowledge.”

Sue Ann: “And if she loves that school, isn’t it alienation of affection?”

I think it would be very difficult to argue that alienation of affection can apply to an in animate object like a building or to an entity like a school. Then again, if corporations are people…

Mr. Bradley tries to disrupt the kangaroo court, but Mr. Ramsey invites the forum. That was pretty bold. The girls do some creative opening-statement tricks talking about how they won’t appeal to emotion even though they love her. Molly has been appointed to present exhibit A, Tootie’s good grades. Mr. Ramsey protests that he knows her grades are good, but he thinks that Eastland doesn’t present the challenge that Tootie needs.

Now that sets Mr. Bradely off. He gives an information session about Eastland’s accolades. But Mr. Ramsey refuses to be persuaded. He asks Tootie if she’s all packed, but before he has a chance to whisk her away, Mrs. G requests to see Mr. Ramsey and Tootie alone. Oooooh…

Oh hay! Mrs. G is finally giving Mr. Ramsey the speech that I gave at the beginning of all this nonsense! Tootie is in sixth grade. Mrs. Garrett recalls that when she was Tootie’s age she wanted to be a ballerina, and then a scientist, and then a jockey (“Lucky for the horse, I changed my mind.”).

Mr. Ramsey tries to lawyer in some “I understand what you’re saying, but”s, but Mrs. G rolls on and lays down that he must’ve had some wacky dreams growing up. He protests that all he did was prepare for the future, but Tootie has one up her sleeve as she reminds him about “Buffalo Ramsey,” his cowboy fantasy. He’s already proudly owned “Rifle”; why should “Buffalo” be any worse?

Mr. Ramsey, who never does get a first name, admits that he’s weakening, and Mrs. G promises that if he lets them help her with her first few steps, she’ll end up with a marvelous career.

On the other side of the door, the girls try to eavesdrop. Tootie opens the door and announces that she’s staying! Yay! That won’t be the last time she fights with her parents about her career choices, but next time it will be her mother.