3-20 “Kids Can Be Cruel”

This picture is my favorite still in this history of the series. It’s so genius. The set-up is just perfect. Who is responsible for this? It’s a Directed By Asaad Kelada; I wonder if it’s he that engineered this brilliance. Is he on Twitter? He does not appear to be.

But this episode is so much more than the one where there’s a Three Wise Monkeys Easter egg. It’s the one with the dinner box auction. It’s the one with Dan Frischman, who co-starred in Head of the Class with the dude who is now the president of Nickelodeon and also went out on a date with Natalie. It also is the episode that featured that scourge of the 80s: the Slam Book. I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on how absolutely heartbreakingly miserable it is that making fun of other people is seen as a pastime, and I found myself hoping that kids these days don’t do slam books any more. Then it occurred to me that they have – and use – social media. We are a terrible species. But in the world of 80s sit-coms, our terrible behaivor is only a vehicle to enlightenment. Blair learned a lesson in the previous episode which she has conveniently discarded so that she can learn a similar one here.

In the dining room, everyone is abuzz about the dinner box auction for world hunger, which Jo describes as “Blair’s latest scam.” I guess she didn’t retain her lessons from last episode either. The structure of this fundraiser is that the girls of Eastland have prepared boxes of food, on which the boys of Bates will bid. Along with the box comes a date with its preparer, so they’re basically buying a date with an Eastland girl. It’s…pretty gross, and apparently required.

Mrs. G wonders how Jo’s entire dinner fits in her tiny oil filter box, and Jo explains that she has provided a radish for the salad, a fig for dessert, and a piece of turkey jerky for the main course. Mrs. G comments that no boy will bid on that.

Good for you Jo. Upend this bad idea. Jo doesn’t like Bates boys, except when she does. She mocks Blair’s ham and cheese “boomerang buns,” and Blair pronounces “croissant” in French and calls Jo a peasant. They’re totally in love.

Blair is dating Bates jock Dink Lockwood, and he is planning to outbid everyone on her dinner box even though it’s supposed to be anonymous.

Tootie’s eighth grade class apparently does not participate in the Dinner Box Auction, but they might as well since they apparently participate in the overnight camping trip where skinny dipping is the norm. Natalie has filled her dinner box with jelly beans because “some people like a sugar rush.” But her work on the box is temporarily stalled because she’s working on Blair’s slam book.

Mrs. Garrett remains in blissful ignorance for a few minutes. She asks if the slam book is homework, and Jo accurately describes it as a “poison pen directory,” not that she has any claim to righteousness when she laughs along with everyone else. Blair protests that it’s merely “an opinion poll,” and Natalie, who is not at her best this episode, clarifies that you sign with a number instead of your name. When I did slam books, we didn’t sign anything at all. Why would you? Well in this case it’s because we’re in the middle of an 80s sit com and things need to be connected.

Tootie reads a mean comment on Maggie Ellis’s page.

Mrs. G is immediately skeptical of this practice, and Natalie clarifies that there are good things in the slam book too, “for the right people.”

By “the right people,” she apparently means Tim Hollyfield, and Tootie outs her as the slam book’s “Number 10.” Tootie’s evidence for this deduction is that Tim’s football jersey number is 10; Natalie brushes her hair ten times on each side, and she put ten pounds of jelly beans in her dinner box.

The only thing worse than that evidence is Natalie’s ability to lie, and she doesn’t try for very long. Yep, she’s Number 10, but she makes everyone promise to keep it a secret.

Oh hay! Look who has just pulled up to the cafeteria! It’s Dink Lockwood with the stereo, and he’s brought Tim Hollyfield with him! Dink and Tim are both standard 80s jock hot, so of course I’m attracted to them. Tim looks like the dude Jo was hanging out with earlier in the season, but it’s not the same guy.

Natalie is awesome. She offers to help Tim carry a speaker and says,

“We wouldn’t want you to hurt that passing arm. Who knows when you might want to make a pass?”

Great stuff, Nat. You’re still terrible in this episode, though.

Speaking of terrible, Tim tells everyone that Rocky Price is bringing his tape deck. Blair makes a face, and Dink quips that Rocky Price could cure world hunger just by showing up because everyone would lose their appetite.

Mrs. G asks about Rocky Price, and Tootie quickly corrects that his name is Carl, but the Bates guys call him Rocky because of his complexion. When Mrs. G says it’s the worst thing she’s ever heard, Tootie says it gets worse, and reads the other names they call him out of the slam book.

Mrs. G rushes to introduce herself and comments on his tapes, asking if that’s the dance music.

Carl: “No, it’s for listening. I’m what they call a ‘deadhead.'”
Mrs. G: “Who called you that?”

Heh. That was a good gag. Blair explains the Grateful Dead to Mrs. G, and Carl expresses surprise that Blair knows about the Grateful Dead.

Blair: “Sure! The beautiful people love rock and roll too!”

Carl is about to say more, but Mrs. G steers him into the lounge to set up the tape deck. Dink and Tim come back with the big speaker and Dink confirms to Blair that he’s going to bid on her box and he told everyone else not to bid against him. Or, y’know, the Eastland girls could have some agency in this gig.

Natalie comments that Tim must be thirsty, and she offers to get him some Gatorate. He appreciatively accepts.

Dink has gotten into the slam book and he tells Blair that it’s “really key.” After giggling about “Rocky” Price’s page, he points out to Tim that he has a page. He immediately notices that “Number 10” thinks Tim is “some kind of a god.” Tim is overwhelmed and wants to know who Number 10 is, and Blair says, “Oh, c’mon, you know who has a humongous crush on you!” He’s ignorant, so Blair gives him some not so subtle hints.

Natalie returns with the drinks.

while Blair chuckles in the corner, Tim tells Natalie that he’d love to bid on her dinner, but he’s going steady with Cynthia, whom we will never meet. Natalie jokes that she’ll just sell her dinner to Burt Reynolds as originally planned, and he’s genuinely kind. Such complex characters! After confirming one more time that Blair’s box is the pink one with the red ribbon, Dink takes Tim and leaves.

Natalie is furious that Blair told Tim she was Number 10, and she is not mollified when Blair says that Tim thought it was “cute.” I don’t blame her. The last thing you want is that kind of infantilizing language when you’re trying to hook up with an older man. Natalie vows to wage a very uncute war against Blair as we fade to commercial.

When we return, the dinner box auction is in full swing, and Linda Calderon’s box has just been purchased for $4.50. If Linda’s name actually is Calderon (Latinx) and not Calderone (Italian), it will mark a time that my beloved show acknowledges that people of color who aren’t affiliated with Tootie exist, so that is what I choose to believe.

Carl enters, and seems upbeat. Mrs. G notices that he looks very spiffy, and he weirdly sidles up to Blair to say hello.

Mrs. G’s hilarious attempt to shill Jo’s crappy dinner box is overshadowed only by Jo’s insistence on outbidding the sad little Bates boy who is trying to win it.

Blair’s box is up next. She and Dink shoot each other looks, and when Mrs. G starts the bidding at three dollars, Dink immediately jumps in with a ten dollar bid. Mrs. G gushes all over Dink for the highest bid of the night and starts closing the bids. “Going once, going twice…”

“Fifteen dollars!”

Carl meets Blair’s look of shock with a wink, and he and Dink back-and-forth on Blair’s box from sixteen dollars to nineteen dollars and fifty cents before Carl shuts it down with a twenty-five dollar bid. Dink can’t match that even with contributions from his friends, and Blair’s desperate bid to pay with a credit card is denied by Mrs. G’s quip, “Sorry, no plastic,” which has the studio audience roaring. Simpler times.

Carl wins the auction, and Blair is announced as his date.

OH HAY HERE IT IS!!!!!

Jo, Natalie, and Tootie, watch the drama unfold.

Tootie: “I don’t believe Blair ended up with Carl! Tell me I’m dreaming!”

Natalie” “You’re wide awake!”

Jo: “This’ll be some character builder for the little princess.”

From the sound of it, exactly one audience member gets the Three Wise Monkeys joke and claps loudly. I’m with you, anonymous audience member.

Back at the table, Blair suggests that Carl put on some dinner music, and he suggests the theme from Endless Love. Gross. As he goes to the lounge to adjust the music, Dink and Blair act like not having dinner together is a national tragedy, and Blair posits that Carl saw Dink bidding on the box and “went a little berserk,” because she has that effect on men. But when she turns and sees Natalie’s grinning face, she puts two and two together and excuses herself from Dink’s presence. Natalie runs.

In the kitchen, we learn that Natalie retaliated against Blair’s revealing her identity to Tim by calling Carl pretending to be Blair and inviting him to bid on her dinner box. And this is why Natalie is terrible in this episode. That little scheme doesn’t hurt Blair, it hurts Carl.

In the dining room, the jocks are ripping on Carl and it’s gross. Mrs. Garrett agrees. She tells Dink not to be a sore loser and emphasizes that the whole thing is fair and square. Dink protests that he did know, and Carl says that he did too, revealing that “Blair” called him. Dink says that can’t be true, because Blair was with him all afternoon, and Tim backs him up.

Oh hey, that must be Cynthia.

Mrs. G sees Natalie trying a little too hard to look innocent.

In the kitchen, Mrs. G tells Natalie that she’s shocked at how cruel this all is. Natalie defends her right to pay Blair back, and Mrs. G points out that Carl is the one who’s paying. That’s what I said! Mrs. G gives the girls a lecture about how mean they’ve all been with the slam book, and she reminds them that one day they could be the one that everyone makes fun of. Ain’t that the truth.

Carl comes into the kitchen and says that he knows it wasn’t Blair who called him. Natalie apologizes, and Carl laughs it off. He says he knew it was a joke all along; he’d have to be out of his mind to think that Blair would call him for a date. It’s so sad; and Frischman nails laughing on the outside while crying on the inside.

Mrs. G protests his return of the dinner box, pointing out that he paid for it, and he says it’s no big deal; it’s all for charity. He excuses himself to go adjust the stereo.

Mrs. G: “There goes one very fine boy.”
Tootie: “And a very hurt one, too, Blair.”

Hmm. I don’t know if Tootie has any high horse here; she was laughing at the Carl pages as much as anyone. Blair protests that she’s an injured party too, and Jo says to hell with it all; she’ll have dinner with Carl herself. Natalie protests that if anyone should, she should, which is a yucky thing to say because it’s still acting as though having dinner with Carl is some kind of punishment. Jo protests that Carl paid good money for the dinner, including a “charming, lovable dinner date,” and an opening credits shot is born.

Blair puts an end to it by declaring that Carl paid to have dinner with her and she takes the box and leaves.

Carl is messing around with tapes in the lounge. Blair shyly enters and asks him if he’s hungry yet. He’s just confused at this point, so she starts without him. He suggests that she has her charities mixed up; it’s for world hunger, not Carl Price. Awww. But Blair is preoccupied with her flat French pastry.

Carl chuckles and compares it to “one of those melted watches in that Dalí painting at the MOMA.” That Dalí painting is Persistence of Memory, and I saw it in the flesh when it was on loan to the Dali museum in Florida. It’s very small. And that flat croissant does kind of look like something from a Dalí painting; it’s true.

Blair expresses surprise that Carl knows about the MOMA. They learn that they both spend a lot of time there, and they discuss the merits of Picasso, Braque, and Cézanne. She laughs at his jokes and oh hey! They have things in common and they get along great!

So Blair learns another lesson about judgment, which she can forget in approximately one episode, Dan Frischman completes his very first role, and the best screen cap in the history of the show is born. Here, have it again.