3-19 “New York, New York”

At the beginning of the year, I followed the lead of a friend who engages in an annual ritual to choose three words that will define his year. The first one I chose was growth. I’ve gone through some pretty challenging things over the past eighteen months, and as hard as it’s been and as bad as I feel sometimes, it is undeniable that I am growing. I had stopped growing for a while, and I learned a difficult truth that when two people stop growing together, they inevitably grow apart. I hadn’t thought about that in a while until I sat down to recap this episode. Because there’s always an episode for that, and the magic of the universe gave me this one to recap today.

We open with this ridiculous picture of Mrs. G, who declares, “Bumps to the left of me, bumps to the right of me, into the valley of powder we go!” I’m pretty sure no one has ever said that in the history of skiing.

Natalie, who has never been skiing before, has only just discovered that there is danger associated with the hobby, having found Tootie’s lift ticket from last year and read the disclaimer on the back. The first time Mrs. G went skiing, she hit a tree stump and turned her ankle. One of the half-dozen times I went skiing, I too, hit a tree. There are many reasons I don’t care for skiing, even though I lived in a ski town for four years. None of this is relevant to this episode. I’m pretty sure this entire skiing subplot is cut in syndication, and I was being all snarky “this is dumb” about it until Awesome Natalie shows up. Her concern about getting hurt on the slopes is mollified when she learns that after Mrs. G’s injury, she had to be carried down the mountain by her “incredibly handsome ski instructor.”

Harumph. All I got when I hit the tree was some condescending “there, theres” from ski patrol and an escort down with my married friend.

Blair walks in and contributes that on last year’s ski trip, her ski instructor was the exotic “Lars.” She describes him as a “hunk on ice,” but all I see in my head is

Natalie, however, is converted.

Instead of going skiing, Blair and Jo are going to New York to see friends. Blair mocks Jo for packing in an Army surplus backpack (“We’re going to New York for the weekend, not on maneuvers.”), and Jo mocks Blair for overpacking (two giant suitcases before she goes back to get her “backup hair dryer”).

I take great pride in my ability to pack light. I went to New Zealand for seven weeks with one medium-sized backpack. For a weekend, I pack in my regular, daily shoulder bag, so there.

Jo says she can’t wait to get back to her old neighborhood for some real New York attitude (Mrs. G: “Rude and hostile?”). Jo looks forward to a real “rank out session.” Natalie and Tootie declare themselves “rank,” and Jo challenges them.

“You’re so dumb, you can’t spell I.Q.”

“And you’re so spoiled, that if you were milk, the date on the carton would read BC.”

These insults are absurd. What’s next, “your mom” jokes?

Blair however is prepared with a retort.

“Turn blue.”

I’m dyin’ here. They sound like high schoolers! Oh wait…

Blair asks Jo to grab her third bag for her, and Jo complies, sort of. Jo handing Blair’s suitcase off to her is notable for how it makes Mindy Cohn crack up, and also because it’s a direct comparison to what happens at the end.

In our next scene, Natalie, Tootie, and Mrs. G have been dispensed with and Jo and Blair are in New York City. Jo basks in the glory of her familiar New York smells while Blair wrinkles her nose, and neither of them mention that they were in New York, in this very coffee shop, just last week so that Blair, Jo, and Natalie could not go see Sophisticated Ladies and so Tootie could get recruited by a pimp.

Blair and Jo bicker. Jo is annoyed that all of Blair’s crap slowed them down, and Blair is annoyed that Jo insisted on taking the seat facing forward (character consistency! This comes up again in season seven, I believe). Jo thinks Blair is going to end up dead in the river with her cavalier attitude toward talking to cute strangers, and Blair thinks Jo is generally barbaric. Blair gets excited that the magazine rack at the coffee shop has French Vogue and Italian Vogue, while Jo is excited by Dirt Bike Digest and Chopper News. Blair and Jo couldn’t possibly be more different, you see.

Enter Blair’s friend, to nauseating wolf-whistles from the studio audience.

Blair and her friend, Dina Becker, call each other by their last names and lavish over-the-top praise on each other. Jo calls it “a Farrah Fawcett convention.”

Blair introduces Jo to Dina as a “schoolmate” of hers.

Dina: “Where else but in America would someone like [Blair] even know someone like [Jo]?”

Barf.

Enter Jo’s friend Jesse.

Jesse is played by Alexa Kenin, who was in Pretty in Pink and who, holy shit, died in 1985 at the age of 23, cause unknown. How sad.

Jesse, much to Jo’s delight, expresses surprised disgust at Blair and Dina’s profligacy. But when an Asian man accidentally bumps into her, Jesse is rude, rolls her eyes and says, “boat people,” and complains that “You can’t turn around without bumping into half the cast of Shogun.” The studio audience guffaws. I am embarrassed for them.

Blair takes the high ground here, as she tells Jesse, “And I suppose your family came over on the Mayflower” and impresses upon her that New York is a melting pot. This would be more impressive if she hadn’t just been wrinkling her nose at NYC being smelly and yucky. As they say on the “Am I the Asshole” subreddit, which I’m into these days, “ESH” for “everyone sucks here.”

Blair and Dina plan to go shopping, while Jo and Jesse plan to just hang out in the old neighborhood.

Tensions rise as they exchange deeply cutting insults as “déclassé,” “Barbie doll,” grungy grease monkey,” and “muffin head.” Jesse suggests that they go to the garbage dump and turn themselves in. I kind of like that one. In my first draft I wrote that I know the perfect person to say it to if I ever have the misfortune of engaging with them again, but I’ve grown since then.

Shocked at Jesse’s stern declaration of “In your ear,” Dina ends the argument with a callback.

“Turn blue!”

Are you following? They couldn’t possibly be more different.

Fade to Dina’s apartment. Blair and Dina have spent the day having breakfast at the plaza and, of course, shopping. Blair declares that she’s having a lovely day, but Dina, who has found a note from her housekeeper that she had to run to the dentist for an emergency, declares herself ill. Their “whole crowd” is coming over for lunch and she doesn’t know what they’ll do.

Blair takes it in stride and says they’ll just throw together a tuna salad. Oddly enough, I made vegan “tuna” salad for dinner before I decided to recap this episode (chickpeas partially mashed with a potato masher, if you’re curious). Dina can’t comprehend the idea of her and Blair actually putting in the effort to prepare lunch for their friends. She meanly accuses Blair of turning into “a domestic” as Blair dons an apron and, badly but earnestly, attempts to prepare lunch.

Blair explains that she works in the kitchen at school, and it seems as though this might have come up between these best friends previously, seeing as how the kitchen job is the only reason that Blair was allowed to stay at Eastland after the girls’ brush with the law. It’s news to Dina, though, who is gobsmacked that Blair works in a kitchen like “a common, ordinary maid.”

Blair is actually adorable as she takes pride that she washes dishes, waits tables, and makes “extraordinary oatmeal.” I hope she serves it with peanut butter and maple syrup. I no longer have the husband, but I will always have his excellent oatmeal recipe.

Blair: “What is wrong with doing some things for yourself?”
Dina: “Nothing, if you have to. But we don’t have to.”

Enter Hildy, the housekeeper. Dina rudely tells her off for being absent, and Hildy informs her that the work has already been done: gazpacho is chilling in the refrigerator and she is prepared to make fresh crepes when the guests arrive. Dina, of course, can’t simply compliment Hildy on being way ahead of the game despite her emergency tooth issue.

Dina: “Well you gave me quite a scare. In the future, could you please take better care of your teeth so that this doesn’t happen again?”

Blair asks Hildy how her tooth is (Hildy: “Ask the dentist. He’s got it!” That’s funny, but she’s remarkably alert and articulate for someone who just had a tooth pulled…), and Dina yells at Blair for “taking Hildy’s side.” She accuses Blair of having lost herself since she “trotted off to that school” (which, Blair’s been there for at least five years at this point, so…).

Blair: “What is wrong with that school? I’ve made a lot of good friends there!
Dina: “Like that hoodlum at the coffee shop? Face it Blair, that school’s gone downhill. They let almost anybody in there now.”

Blair has had enough.

Blair: “Becker, in your ear.”

I wonder what Jesse and Jo are up to? Oh hay! They’re at the community rec center playing foosball. Jesse, who never used to be able to beat Jo, has just won her third game in a row. Jesse picks at Jo losing her edge in “farm country.” Nearby, a pair of elderly men drop a couple of checkers off the table where they’re playing, and ask the girls to please hand them over. Jesse rudely tells them to get them themselves, and responds to Jo’s indignance with a tirade about how these guys are always hassling people like them. Jo picks up the checkers and hands them back.

Jo: “It’s a community rec center. He’s part of the community.”

Jesse snaps back that “so are they,” referring to some Latinos working on a mural nearby. She casually racists that “everywhere you look, there’s nothing but conga dances,” and Jo gets a cheap laugh and applause from the studio audience with, “Beats disco.”

Jesse: “They’re taking over; Spanish is becoming the mother tongue of the Bronx.”
Jo: “What’s wrong with picking up a new language?”
Jesse: “I’d just as soon they learn mine. I was here first.”

Jesse declares that the mural is missing something, and heads for her can of spray paint. Jo protests, and Jesse points out that she used to do it. Jo shamefully acknowledges that truth, but declares that she sees now that it’s stuff like this that kills the city.

Jesse: “Who are you, Mayor Koch? You go off to that hot-shot school and you come back talking like some kind of social worker.”
Jo: “You know, you live here too! Why turn this place into a combat zone?”
Jesse: “Because that’s what it is. But you wouldn’t know that, would you? While we’re here manning the barricades, you’re off in Fantasy Island.”

The studio audience laughs, but it’s a heartbreaking reminder that for every Jo who gets lucky enough to land the scholarship to the fancy school full of opportunity, there are a hundred Jesses who will only ever know their status quo.

Jo says she cares about her neighborhood and she cares about Jesse, and Jesse doesn’t take it well. She sarcastically says that Jo can teach her things like how to hold her pinky when drinking tea.

Jo: “Lay off the school, Jesse. It’s a good place. And I’m lucky.”

Ouch. Heartbreaking. Jo tries to tell Jesse that she’s lucky too, to have access to the whole city, “past those barricades.” Jesse retorts that she’s the one who has to live there and she’ll do it any way she wants. And apparently the way she wants is to go back for the spray paint.

Jesse: “Oh that’s great. That’s great, you take their side. Well you can spend the rest of your weekend singing “La Cucaracha” with them, ’cause you ain’t spending it with me!”

Jesse: “You better get out of here. Your odds get a lot worse after the sun goes down. You comin’ or what?”

Jo takes one last look around the rec center, where the elderly men playing checkers look shocked, while a young couple takes over the foosball table, and follows Jesse out.

Back in the coffee shop, Jo waits as Blair arrives under her piles of suitcases and packages. Jo tells Blair off for being late, and Blair complains that she’s lucky she got there at all after her cab driver got in an argument with a policeman’s horse.

Waiter: “See, you didn’t have to worry. Your friend made it just fine.”
Blair: “You were worried?”
Jo: “I wasn’t worried.”

Blair is upbeat, while Jo is thoughtful. They both feign a great weekend, but admit that their friends haven’t changed.

Blair comments that she’s looking forward to getting back to school. To relax, of course, that’s all. And they’d better get going so Jo can get a seat facing forward.

I’ll continue to grow, but the bags I travel with will stay the same size, dammit.