3-1 “Growing Pains”

Not to be confused with Alan Thicke’s masterpiece to follow later in the decade, this episode has Natalie getting attention, Tootie getting hammered, and Jo getting criminal. Again.

It’s a new school year at Eastland, and the girls settle back into their quad above the kitchen. Jo carries a toolbox and her motorcycle helmet, while Natalie admires her shrunken head.

The head was a gift from Paul, one of the many boys Natalie met on her summer vacation. This is a good time to remind you that Natalie, my favorite, awesome Natalie, had the most dates/boyfriends of any of the girls. Yes, including Blair. Natalie declares that the purpose of vacation is so her parents can travel the country and she can meet boys, and we get she clip that will be her shot in the credits for the foreseeable future.

Oh look, here’s Tootie’s credits shot!

Blair says that she didn’t meet any boys on her vacation because in Europe they’re born men (barf), and Tootie tries to agree, but Jo mocks that she wouldn’t know anything after spending her entire summer at the Minnehaha Camp for Girls. Natalie offers a good-natured jab of her own, and Jo makes fun of Tootie’s new braces.

Natalie asks Blair about souvenirs from Europe, and Blair is excited to rush a box to the table to show the girls what she has. Then she double-takes at Tootie and says, “Later, Jo. Not in front of the child.”

If I were Tootie’s parents and her eighth-grade ass was rooming with three high school girls, I’d be pissed. At least, I think I would. I really don’t know a goddamn thing about being a parent.

Unsurprisingly, Tootie is insulted and annoyed at being called a child, and she attempts to prove that she’s not a child by bragging about her position as Eastland Dorm Monitor. Oof. Dorm monitor and its equivalents weren’t even cool when Bobby Brady was hall monitor in 1973.

Mrs. Garrett comes into the room with the mail. She’s sweet about how “different” Tootie looks, specifically in the hair and the braces, but the other girls still make jokes. Natalie gets a pile of mail, prompting Blair to ask her if she’s been writing to prisoners.”

Natalie: “I don’t have to do that anymore.”

It turns out that the giant pile of mail comes from her summer flings across the heartland, and my heart swells. Mrs. Garrett is also delighted. Slut-shaming is so last season.

Tootie snots that Blair has souvenirs that she won’t show anyone (once again not helping the girls think of her as grown up), and Mrs. Garrett good-naturedly encourages Blair to do so. Blair side-eyes Tootie and says she just has things like “Swiss watches, Italian handbags, French…cheese…”

Tootie: “You’re not supposed to have food in the rooms.”
Jo: “What’s that, dorm monitor rule number five?”
Tootie: “No, seven.”

Poor Tootie is just trying to cling to the little bit of power she has, now that the girls seem to be brushing her off. And she is young and immature, and I think her part is written perfectly in this episode. I feel sorry for her. I know what it’s like to be the youngest.

She announces that she has a safety check to make and marches out of the room trying to look important. Mrs. Garrett gives her an encouraging pat and they leave the three older girls alone.

Natalie didn’t buy the “French cheese” act, and Blair clarifies:

Jo: “Ahh! Booze!”

Blair calls Jo a heathen and explains that it’s something Frenchy, and tells Jo to think of it “as the Michelob of French wines.”

How sad that Michelob is the gold standard. We knew so little about beer in 1981. It’s come so far and I will be forever grateful.

We find out later that this is thirty-dollar wine, which is worth about eighty-six dollars today, so it’s pretty nice wine. But it’s white wine, and they never bother to chill it, so it can’t taste that good. I don’t like white wine anyway. It makes my head feel like it’s going to explode.

Blair got two bottles, and she explains to the others that both Mrs. Garrett and Tootie will be out that night and she wants to throw a party for the three of them.

Natalie hesitates about leaving out Tootie, and Blair explains that as an upperclassman now, Natalie has to hang with the big girls or the little girls. Natalie is still not sure, but she’s willing to give it a try.

Jo: “I don’t know if I can get this stuff down. I’ll get some beer.”
Natalie: “How will you get beer?”
Jo: “I’ll get some beer.”

So clearly Jo still has and isn’t afraid to use her fake ID. I tell you, she never really reforms!

Tootie comes in and continues to make herself a target by snotting that the ironing board in the hallway blocks the fire exit. It doesn’t go well.

Later in the cafeteria, Mrs. Garrett is very stressed. Her meeting that night is to request a budget increase from Mr. Parker, the headmaster, and she doesn’t feel good about her position.

A conversation about a broken rotisserie prompts Tootie to tell Mrs. G that she’s not speaking to any of the other girls. Mrs. G clearly ain’t got time for this right now, and she tells Tootie that she’s sure they’ll work it out. Tootie continues blithering, leaving Mrs. G no choice but to be the sympathetic shoulder for Tootie’s indignance at being left out and treated like a kid by the other girls.

As Blair, Jo, and Natalie enter the kitchen, Tootie whines to Mrs. Garrett to tell them that she’s not a baby. Yeah, that didn’t help. Indeed, Blair asks her to quit whining. When she whines that she’s not whining, Natalie confirms, she is indeed whining.

Later, upstairs, Blair triumphantly opens a bottle of wine while Natalie brings all the goofy crap she bought at the Polynesian Palace in Kansas City. With Jo’s addition of two cans of generic “BEER,” the girls’ wacky drinkin’ party begins.

Natalie plans to add pineapple chunks and maraschino cherries to the wine because she “can’t drink booze without food in it!” Sister, there’s nothing wrong with Sangria, but you can do better.

Jo: “Well I’m startin’” [Opens beer].
Natalie: “Where’d you get the beer?”
Jo: “I got the beer.”

Jo proposes a toast (“Here’s to those who wish me well, and all the rest can go to…Jersey ”). Tootie busts in just as the girls are starting to drink.

She was supposed to be at drama club, but she decided she doesn’t want to do the school play this year because they’re doing The Sound of Music and they want her to play Baron Von Trap, which she already did this summer at camp and she’s afraid of being typecast. As the man who fled with his family because the Nazis wanted him. Hitler would be horrified. I’m amused.

Jo and Blair are not doing a very good job hiding the booze.

After Tootie asks a few questions, the girls confess, and we get yet another face from the credits.

Tootie: “You guys can’t have that stuff! It’s against the law! And it’s against the rules and why didn’t you invite me?”

That’s a solid response, but the girls don’t help their cause by continuing to insist that this kind of party is out of Tootie’s league. They try to shoo Tootie away by harping on her being dorm monitor, causing Tootie to not help her own cause by saying she’ll just go and report a drunken brawl to the headmaster. This would all go away if they’d just give Tootie a damn glass of wine, but after weirdly and stupidly saying that Tootie “doesn’t have the guts” to report them, Jo snits that “We’ll take our party out of your room.” The three older girls stalk out muttering about moving the party to the laundry room and saying mean things about Tootie being a child and a drag.

Hey genius girls who are all grown up, you forgot something.

Downstairs, Mrs. Garrett brings Mr. Parker into the kitchen to plead her case for a new budget, including enough for a bun warmer. “Buns” jokes ensue.

They notice that the doors and windows are unlocked and Mr. Parker worries that Tootie is not doing her job as dorm monitor. Tootie stumbles downstairs, and Mrs. Garrett can immediately tell she’s acting wacky. She smells booze as soon as she gets close enough.

Mrs. Garrett valiantly protects Tootie from Mr. Parker while he gives her a speech about being more responsible as dorm monitor, and Mrs. G manages to cover for Tootie and plead her case for her budget increase at the same time. She hustles Mr. Parker out of the kitchen before he can notice that Tootie is drunk. By now Tootie is getting sick, and Mrs. Garrett ushers her upstairs.

Back upstairs, Mrs. Garrett is comforting but firm.  She reminds Tootie that she could be expelled for this, and speeches that “Getting drunk is not a grown-up thing to do, even when a grown-up does it.” That’s only true if you buy one particular definition of “grown up.” There are certainly variables.

I do agree, though, that under any set of circumstances, 13-year-old eighth-grade Tootie drinking an entire bottle of wine is a very bad idea. It’s a very bad idea for me to drink an entire bottle of wine, and I’ll be 45 next week.

Downstairs, Natalie apologizes profusely for spilling the wine.

The girls hustle upstairs to get the other bottle and walk in on Mrs. Garrett grilling Tootie about where she got the wine. Natalie, Jo, and Blair try to flee, but Mrs. G summons them back.

Jo feebly tries to bluff that she and Blair and Natalie went to the movies, but Mrs. G ain’t got time for that. She tells them that she found Tootie drunk when she came home…

… and the whole bottle of wine gone.

Tootie still hasn’t told Mrs. G where she got the wine, and the girls deny, deny, deny. Mrs. Garrett explains that she’ll have to tell Mr. Parker. She makes one more plea for the older girls to say something, but they stay quiet.

With Mrs. Garrett out of the room, the four girls argue about Tootie keeping quiet. When Blair points out that she doesn’t really have anything to gain by ratting them out. Tootie has other ideas:

“Revenge.”

Tootie rationalizes that it was their wine, and Jo protests that they didn’t pour it down her throat. Tootie gets to the point that it’s really about her feeling left out and kept down.

The girls agree that they need to confess. When Mrs. Garrett comes into the room to tell the girls that it’s lights out, Jo says that they know where Tootie got the wine. Tootie cuts her off to say that it doesn’t matter.

“I know what I did was childish and wrong, but I did it. And it was my fault. And if I have to be expelled, then I’ll be packed by noon.

Mrs. Garrett beams at Tootie while Jo, impressed, comments that what Tootie just did took guts. Mrs. G starts to leave, but Natalie interrupts in the best Natalie way:

“Do they have group rates on expulsions?”

Mrs. Garrett: “What do you mean?”
Blair: “What she means is, we’re responsible for the wine.”
Jo: “And the beer.”
Mrs. G: “How’d you get beer?”
Jo: “I got beer!”

Mrs. Garrett shares that she had a feeling they were involved, and gives us a “Girls, girls” before lamenting what deep trouble they’re in.

And then Blair has another one of her brilliant ideas. They don’t need to go to Mr. Parker. Mrs. Garrett can punish them!

That’s another opening credits shot, by the way.

Mrs. Garrett hesitates, and the girls suggest a two-month grounding with no television and no dates. Mrs. G takes their offer and agrees not to go to Mr. Parker. It doesn’t seem to stick, since they go to a Bates party in the next episode and Blair has to cancel a date two episodes from now, but at least they came to an agreement. Mrs. Garrett vows that if they ever do anything like this again, they’re on their own.

With Mrs. Garrett gone to bed, the girls make a big show of acknowledging Tootie’s maturity. Without “kid” as a nickname for Tootie anymore, they try some others on for size. “Tin Grin” wins the battle of dumb braces nicknames, and all is well at Eastland.