5-3 “Gamma Gamma or Bust”

Quick, which Facts period is your favorite: Eastland, Edna’s Edibles, Over Our Heads, or Beverly Ann?

I think, even accounting for the fact that Over Our Heads includes all the George Clooney episodes and Beverly Ann includes The Facts of Life Down Under, Eastland would edge out Edna’s Edibles as the popular favorite. I agonized over this Sophie’s Choice and finally decided to put my vote on Edna’s Edibles. So I’m on a season 5 kick.

In the previous two-part episode, Mrs. G had just opened Edna’s Edibles. Jo, Tootie, and Natalie planned to move in with Mrs. Garrett and work at the shop, while Blair planned to rush Gamma Gamma and move into the sorority house. Really, this is part three of the three-parter that establishes the next half of the series.

Presumably we’ve fast forwarded at least a month or so since the last episode, as the store is fully built out, stocked, and in business. Jo runs around with a clipboard kvetching about ways to save money. Enter Blair with JAMI GERTZ!

You may remember Jami Gertz from such quintessential 80s films as The Lost Boys and Less Than Zero. Behold one of her earliest roles.

Blair introduces the girls to Boots St. Clair, preppy, insufferable president of the Gamma Gamma sorority. She preppily, insufferably tells “Warnsey” that the shop is “strictly top-drawer,” and promises to stock up on brie. Blair introduces Boots to Mrs. G, “caterer extraordinaire,” and “her little helpers.”

Natalie: “The reindeer are out back.”

Boots declares that they’re at she shop on “official sorority business,” and Jo mocks. Blair explains that the Gamma Gamma rush party is tomorrow, but their caterer just went out of business. How handy.

After a sickening display of stereotypical 80s sorority stereotype nonsense, Boots gets to the point that they’re looking for someone to cater their party the next day at 8:00. Jo demands that they talk money up front, which is so in-character for her that it makes me blush with pride.

Boots offers two hundred dollars, and Mrs. Garrett eagerly nods as Jo intercedes, “We’ll settle for three hundred.” Boots quickly agrees. That’s some good hustling, right there.

Mrs. Garrett enthuses about her “first college catering job,” and Boots stiffens. Instead of covering it up by emphasizing college, Blair chooses unbelievable and declares, “the first one she’s thrilled about!”

As implausible as it is, Blair’s bullshit brings Boots back, but not without making it clear that Blair’s reputation is on the line. She reminds Blair that the selection of the new Gamma Gamma members happens right after dinner, and only one “no vote” (she means “blackball”) is needed to keep a prospective member out. Toodleoo! Out goes Boots.

As soon as the door closes behind her:

Mrs. Garrett could not be happier that Blair referred her for this great job, which could come with word of mouth and before long they’ll be catering all the sororities and the fraternities. Jo delights in the money this will all bring. Natalie’s just excited about crashing college parties, ’cause she’s awesome.

Commence Blair and Jo sparring over the value of sororities. I try to not shit on sororities anymore, as my judgment of them is as rooted in internalized misogyny as it is anything else. So is Jo’s. She doesn’t understand why Blair would “want to live with a bunch of boring phonies wearing bagpipes.”

Blair lists some of the things that people like about such organizations: her mother and grandmother were both Gamma Gammas and she wants to carry on the family tradition. That’s important to some people, and it’s not up to any of us to judge. Blair also mentions that she can’t wait to move into the sorority house because she just can’t stand the dorm.

Fade to the shop, where Natalie shreds cheese and Tootie chops onions next to a pile of shredded lettuce. Mrs. Garrett got this incredibly complex recipe from “The Authentic Cookbook from the Kitchens of the Stars.” This enchilada recipe comes from a man whose name is practically synonymous with Mexican cooking: Don Ho. And Mrs. G’s fabulous matzos ball recipe is from Charo. Well, that all makes perfect sense. I even double-checked to make sure that Charo wasn’t a Spanish Jew. She’s not.

Blair enters the shop, and wonders what all the buzz is about. When they explain that they’re preparing a Mexican feast for the party tonight, Blair becomes defensive that they haven’t even talked menu yet. Oh please – the party is that night and she thinks there’s still time to talk menu? That’s insane.

Not to Blair, though, who pitches what can only be called a petulant fit. Mexican is too last month; Blair wanted Chinese, and it gets ugly. Natalie and Tootie try to mediate, but the damage is done. Blair is pissed, and she handles it the way she knows how: she fires Mrs. G.

The other girls are horrified, and Blair justifies her actions by reporting that her father always told her that you have to get tough with labor. Natalie, Tootie, and Jo are appropriately even more outraged at Blair’s categorization of their shared mother-figure.

Natalie: “You were treating her like hired help, Blair.”
Blair: “I’m sorry! But if you can’t treat people like hired help, then what’s the point of hiring them?”

Indeed, this is not Blair’s finest moment. It’s also not her worst. There’s a season six episode where Blair sinks even lower.

Blair declares that she now has to go find another caterer, which, good luck getting a caterer to do a same-day event. I think you’re looking at picking up Panda Express, Warnsie.

Tootie warns that if Blair gets another caterer, then there will never be peace between her and Mrs. G again, and Jo clarifies that in that case, Blair will never have peace with them either.

Blair relents – sort of. She agrees to apologize if Mrs. G will make Chinese food. Tootie, who has always thought she has special negotiation abilities because her parents are both lawyers, offers to mediate the conflict.

Tootie approaches Mrs. G in the living room, where she angrily shifts newspapers from one pile to another. Tootie tries a few different tacks to soften Mrs. G, but she’s characteristically clumsy.

Tootie: “Look at it from Blair’s perspective. She probably thinks you’re being selfish and thoughtless, even self-centered.”
Mrs. G: “Tootie, do you think I’m those things?”
Tootie: “I didn’t say that. Blair did.”

Mrs. G stalks up the stairs, the situation worse than it was before Tootie tried to help. Tootie returns to the shop, where the other girls eagerly await her update.

Tootie chooses the path of least resistance: she lies that Mrs. G is at this very moment reviewing Wayne Newton’s egg roll recipe, and when Blair offers to go thank her immediately, Tootie encourages her to have a cooling off period. Blair leaves singing the Gamma Gamma spirit song, mollified now that she’s getting her Chinese.

With Blair gone, Tootie confesses that the attempt to mediate was a disaster, and now Mrs. G is madder than ever. But she has a solution! They’ll cater the party themselves, and when it’s a success, everyone will be so happy they’ll forget the conflict ever happened!

“Or,” Jo pessimists, “we cater the party, it stinks, Mrs. G never works again, Blair gets blackballed, and you disappear off the face of the earth.”

How will it go? We’ll find out after the commercial break.

We return from commercial to the Gamma Gamma house, where Jo, Natalie, and Tootie are setting out the food they’ve prepared. Jo thinks they’ll be OK until someone tastes it. Tootie is optimistic: they followed the instructions for all the Chinese recipes in the celebrity cookbook. Natalie points out that their ingredient substitutions might not be so good; sweet and sour sauce should not be made with vinegar and Ovaltine. That actually wouldn’t be so bad except for the chocolate. Tootie’s insistence that it’s the “same concept, different culture” is unpersuasive.

Ever-upbeat Tootie suggests that all the food won’t get eaten, so they’ll hide the crappier dishes in the back. Jo and Natalie are on board with this idea. They begin moving the more “questionable” dishes, including David Bowie’s wontons, the Mandrell sisters’ chow mein, Ricardo Montalban’s chop suey (why don’t they have any of the Mexicanos submitting the Mexican recipes?), and Mr. T’s fried rice. And with that, all the shitty dishes are on the side of the table near Tootie and all the edible dishes are on the side of the table near Natalie.

The Gamma Gamma girls descend the staircase. Boots announces that “Warnsie” really came through with a last-minute “top drawer” caterer, and Blair proudly presents the Chinese feast. Though our girls toss out ideas such as blocking all access to the food or just labeling it with a skull and crossbones, they don’t really have any choice other than to let the Gammas and their pledges dive in.

Oh boy! Look who has come to witness the carnage! Mrs. G figured out what the girls did and came to save her reputation. Blair stops her and thanks her for making Chinese food, and apologizes for their fight. Mrs. G explains that she didn’t cater the party, but she accepts Blair’s apology.

Having discovered that it was her idiot peers who actually made the food (and anticipating that it’s probably as bad as she suspects), Blair’s face falls as she fears that the lousy catering will block her entry to Gamma Gamma. Tootie remains optimistic that no one will notice a thing.

They noticed. Boots reprimands Blair for the shitty food, and then Mrs. G, truly a hero, says that she’s sorry to hear that they don’t like the food; “It went over so well at Calvin Klein’s party last week.”

That’s all the society girls need to hear. If it was good enough for Calvin Klein, it’s good enough for them.

Later, back at the ranch, the girls laugh about their catering disaster. Blair jokes that she really does miss their humor sometimes.

Mrs. Garrett comes downstairs and Blair thanks her for coming up with the Calvin Klein story and saving the day. She thinks that if she gets into Gamma Gamma, she owes it to Mrs. Garrett’s brains. Mrs. Garrett aw shuckses, and observes that if both of them had acted better, none of that would have been necessary. They both apologize for their role in the conflict. That is a very important thing to do.

Enter Boots, who informs Blair that she has been approved for admission to Gamma Gamma. Blair asks if it was the catering that put her over the top, and Boots stops playing. “We all know the food was strictly barf-o-rama,” she says. But because Blair is a legacy, she was a shoo-in from the beginning. All the efforts to elevate Blair’s anxiety were just hazing.

Her friends gather around her to congratulate her, but Blair is pissed. She has no patience for the fact that Boots mind-fucked her so bad. And she’s been annoyed with the Gammas for a while. And she hates their furniture. And she doesn’t like to wear kilts.

She doesn’t want to live with them, but she can’t quite bring herself to be excited about staying in the dorm. Could there be another solution?

Mrs. G says that she could live there, once they all have a vote on it.