An Open Letter to My Biggest Fan

I am doing this because when I asked for requests after my last post, the only request I got was from you, and it was “the one with the squirrel.”

I am indeed working on that one. I’m maybe a third of the way through the episode?

But here’s the deal. I fucking hate that episode.

I’m so sorry. I feel like I did when I had to break it to my family that I don’t actually like Marshmallow Peeps (we called them “chickies”).

Every few years, I eat a Peep with my family, and eventually, I will finish my recap of the squirrel episode. But it’s gonna have to wait.

Instead, I’m gonna work on “Big Fish, Little Fish,” in which Jo has an apparently alcohol-free college party and Blair has to deal with adulthood being different from high school. I’m recapping this one because a thing I’ve been thinking about lately, that is hard to say for real out loud, is this:

I think it might be objectively true that I’m pretty fuckin’ awesome.

Woof. Some people would read this and laugh out loud, and immediately say to me, “You’ve always thought you’re pretty fuckin’ awesome!”
And in a way, that’s true, and in another way, it’s so far from the truth. So many people don’t know how much time I spend with self-doubt and impostor syndrome and all of that other frustrating grrrrrrr.

One of my favorite mental health professionals that I’ve ever had said the following to me when I went through a time in law school in which I doubted my intelligence:

“Well, either you’re pretty fuckin’ smart by all the objective measures, or you’re the best con artist in the world, which I think makes you pretty fuckin’ smart.”

So I go back to that a lot. And in the episode that I’m just about to start recapping, both Blair and Jo go a long way toward realizing that they are enough. That’s a thing I’m continuing to practice internalizing through all the things that make my life not typical. Love you lots, talk to you soon, I’ll have a recap up soon but not squirrel and who knows when that will happen.