Short Engagements: What do I have in common with Mrs. Garrett and Jo?

According to wedding website The Knot, the average engagement is fourteen months. Tootie was likely engaged for something like that. She got engaged in episode 9-7 and was still engaged, planning her wedding, when the series ended. Victor and I were engaged for two months. There’s no right or wrong, of course, but you know which other engagements were short? The other ones on Facts! Casual viewers may not remember that besides Tootie’s engagement, there were three weddings planned (and two executed) in the course of the series: two for Mrs. Garrett (one that took) and one for Jo. And then there was mine.

Also starring: the corresponding spouses.

I know. Them’s some white-ass muthafuckas.

Couple number one: Edna Garrett and Ted Metcalfe. Wedding scheduled for episode 6-17 “Two Guys from Appleton.”

Couple number two: Edna Garrett and Bruce Gaines. Wedding scheduled for episode 8-1 “Out of Peekskill.”

Couple number three: Jo Polniaczek and Rick Bonner. Wedding scheduled for episode 9-19 “Till Marriage Do Us Part.”

Couple number four: Vikki and Victor. Wedding scheduled for December 31, 2015.

Before I continue, please note that photos from my wedding are courtesy of Elizabeth Livingston and Cindy McElhiney, dear friends who photographed the event.

Background

Edna and Ted

Edna and Ted were high school sweethearts. They had dated for a year and a half when Ted gave Edna his pin and they enjoyed their first kiss. Two and a half years later, they were supposed to go to a dance together. Ted was late because he got held up working at his father’s hardware store. (NB:When George Clooney appeared in season eight he also worked at his father’s hardware store. This comes from Charlotte Rae’s memories of her father’s own hardware store.) While she was waiting for Ted to pick her up, a vacuum cleaner salesman came by the door, and she was smitten. So she dumped Ted’s ring on his doorstep and never talked to him again.

I know! Isn’t that awful? High school heartbreaks are awful no matter how you slice it, but that’s just cruel. To her credit, Mrs. G. knows it’s awful, and that’s why she can’t believe it when Ted shows up in Peekskill looking for her. The magic is rekindled immediately.

Edna and Bruce

“His name is Bruce. They met 20 years ago in the Peace Corps, they bumped into each other two months ago and they’ve been seeing each other every night since.” – Tootie

Yep, that’s pretty much it.

Jo and Rick

Rick’s first appearance is in episode 9-12 “A Thousand Frowns,” but they’d met at least once before. Rick is a dude who hangs out at the community center at which Jo works, and in “A Thousand Frowns,” it is mentioned that Jo and a six-year old beat Rick and Casey, who also works at the community center (and dates Blair), at two-on-two basketball the day before.

When we first met Rick, he believed he was dying. All the males in his family had died before they reached thirty, and Rick’s thirtieth birthday was two weeks away. Because he thought he was dying, he was a wild and crazy guy who took risks and did all sorts of nutty things. He didn’t die, and by the next episode, he and Jo were dating. Seven episodes later (about two months), they were still together, though he’d traded in the risk-taking for pranks that were just goofy instead of dangerous.

Vikki and Victor

We knew each other for a few years casually through hanging out at the same bars. In particular, we both hung out at a particular pub in the wee hours of the morning, him watching football (soccer) and me watching rugby. One Sunday night, we were the last two of the regulars left at one of our pubs. I asked him how his girlfriend was. He told me they’d broken up last month. The next thing I knew, we were making out. We dated for about five and a half years.

The decision

Please note that I said “decision,” not “proposal.” Upon learning I was engaged, one person did ask me, “How did he propose?” and the more I thought about it, the more disturbing I found it. Why would she presume that he proposed? What does it even mean to “propose?” “Hello, love. I propose that we unite in holy matrimony. Do you have any objections?” Yeah, that’s weird. We need to get the hell rid of that term.

Edna and Ted

When Ted shows up in Peekskill, he and Edna throw themselves all over each other. Determined to have as much fun as possible together before Ted and his son go to Canada the following week, they spend their days playing in the snow. Upon returning to the shop on day five, they announce that they are getting married the next day. Mrs. Garrett later tells us that while they were making snow angels, Ted turned to her and said, “Edna, you have snow in your ears. Will you marry me?
Length of engagement: 24 hours

Edna and Bruce

“We’re here now. The night is beautiful, the moon is full. Edna, I want you to marry me.” – Bruce. But wait! Bruce is going back to Africa with the Peace Corps in two weeks! And Mrs. Garrett doesn’t think she can leave her life and her girls in Peekskill! Bruce won’t let Mrs. Garrett say no, but she can’t bring herself to say yes.

After a hilarious dream sequence in which Mrs. Garrett dreams that she’s dead and Blair killed her because she was boring, she wakes up determined to make sure her life has meaning, and decides to go for it.

But wait! The boat’s departure date (and no, I don’t know why they’re taking a boat to Africa from New York instead of flying) has been moved up! They’re sailing the very next day! So the wedding must be planned in just a few hours…
Length of engagement: Under two weeks

Jo and Rick

Rick barges through the front door one day announcing that they are going to play “What’s my question?”

Once they figure out that Rick is asking Jo to marry him, the other girls squeal with delight, while Jo indicates that she isn’t sure yet, but maybe. Rick proceeds to act like a douchebag, telling everyone that they are already engaged and explicitly telling Jo that it is “just a matter of time” before she says yes. I think we’re supposed to think it’s cute, but instead it’s creepily presumptive. Regardless, by the end of the night, Jo agrees to marry Rick, but possibly only because Rick climbs up a ladder to her bedroom and talks at her with a sock.

Length of engagement: One episode (real time unknown, but long enough to plan something fancy and traditional)

Vikki and Victor

We’d talked in the abstract about getting married someday, but we’d never talked about anything specific and both of us had particular objections to marriage as an institution that made us reluctant to pursue it. Then, in October, Victor and I went to see Jimmy Buffett in Albuquerque.

We took my mother with us, partially because we thought she’d enjoy the hell out of a Jimmy Buffett show and partially because she doesn’t drink, so she’s a solid DD. It was freezing ass; Jimmy himself clearly didn’t get the memo that the desert gets cold at night, and he was in boots and a down vest – in more clothes than I’ve ever seen him, frankly

After the show, at which all three of us had an awesome time, Victor and I were in bed at my parents’ house (they gave up on refusing to let unmarried couples share beds in their home about ten years ago), and Victor suggested that rather than continuing to talk about getting married someday, we should get married soon.

The next morning, as we drove the six hours back home from my parents’ house, Victor asked me what I thought about a New Year’s Eve wedding in Albuquerque. I said that sounded like a great idea.
Length of engagement: two months, eleven days

The planning

It goes without saying that “planning” over a two month period is different from planning over the fourteen month average. Compared to the planning that a friend of mine, who got engaged two years ago and is getting married in another seven or so months, has done, we basically threw a major party on a day’s notice. Which is literally what Mrs. Garrett did. Twice.

Edna and Ted

Blair takes over the planning, natch, and stresses about not being able to dig up enough guests to go to the wedding, what with one day’s notice and all. Tootie, true to character, just swoons over how romantic it all is. Jo’s all, “whatevs,” and Natalie is not on board at all, seeing as how the whole thing happened so fast. So wise, my Natalie.

Mrs. Garrett flits about the house putting together her outfit, which will include a silver bracelet borrowed from Blair. And that’s about all the planning she has time for.

Edna and Bruce

With two weeks to plan, the girls are relaxed about the whole thing. When they discover they only have eight hours, Mrs. Garrett declares it impossible, apparently forgetting that they’d done it before. And somehow, when we return from commercial, the house is ready for a wedding.

Jo and Rick

Unknown, but a fair amount. Later we see an elaborate church wedding, but all the planning happens behind the scenes. We go straight from the night they get engaged to the night before the wedding. Jo is having a bachelorette party in the girls’ room upstairs, and Rick’s bachelor party is in full swing downstairs.  For more on the bachelor and bachelorette party, see the next section: Obstacles.

Vikki and Victor

Pretty quickly after we got back home from Albuquerque, we looked for a venue. Luck took us to a place called “Las Amapolas,” run by a couple of local women and right around the corner from my parents’ house. It couldn’t have been more ideal. Then we found a caterer who had a wide variety of options that appeared easy to customize to my family’s specific dietary needs (vegan, gluten-free, garlic-free, and not all the same people). I picked the food, then we put the caterer and the venue owners/wedding planners in touch with my mom, and I backed off. Everything was perfect.

Obstacles

Well it wouldn’t be an event if something didn’t go wrong, would it? Of course it wouldn’t. And it did. Go wrong, I mean.

Edna and Ted

Other than the short reacquaintance and subsequent cold feet, none! I bet it ended up being a great party. Unfortunately we don’t get to see it. See “Outcomes” below.

Edna and Bruce

Since the wedding had to be moved up, Mrs. Garrett’s sister, Beverly Ann, has not yet arrived by the time it starts to get uncomfortably close to the wedding.

Fun fact: Charlotte Rae and Cloris Leachman were classmates in the undergraduate theater program at Northwestern University. I also attended Northwestern University, but for law school.

Beverly Ann does indeed arrive, but, as the wacky sister is wont to do in these stories, she makes Mrs. G have second thoughts about the wedding, and then she backs over the minister when she moves the Winnebago. All the excitement gives Mrs. G cold feet about making a decision so quickly. She doesn’t mention it, but it’s the same thing that made her call off the last wedding. And not only does she also call off this wedding, she also calls off Africa. Bruce goes on without her.

Feeling guilty, Beverly Ann takes off in the Winnebago to a trailer park which sports this messed-up little sign.

The girls, Mrs. Garrett, and Bruce all separately chase Beverly Ann down, and Bruce has the priest in tow, so they decide to get married right then! On the Winnebago! On the way to the dock to go to Africa! But Mrs. G accidentally drives the Winnebago off a cliff! It falls slowly – just slowly enough to allow them all to get out after Beverly Ann heroically risks her life to scout out a safe spot below the precariously teetering Winnebago. It’s very dramatic, I tell ya.

Jo and Rick

At their co-hosted upstairs and downstairs bachelorette and bachelor parties, Jo and Rick are getting messages from all sides that marriage sucks. The boys resort to tired old “ball and chain” “wives don’t let you watch football” jokes, and Rick makes me like him a little more by excusing himself to get away from this gross stereotypical bullshit. Upstairs, Beverly Ann talks about her shitty marriage, and Jo excuses herself.

If that story, punctuated with that picture, arouses a similar feeling of adoring your partner, I would like to suggest these wonderful cards by Page Fifty Five. They have a card that reads, “I hate everyone but you,” among other delightfully honest, cute, and clever cards.

On the morning of the wedding, as Jo is getting ready in her bedroom, Rick comes up and tells her that he thinks they should postpone the wedding because he’s been offered a European tour with a company (he’s a concert pianist) and he’d have to leave the day after the wedding. She tells him it’s great and he should go. I now recognize that the boorish behavior of the men at the bachelorette party was meant to highlight this beautiful moment, where Jo tells Rick that he was wrong in assuming that she’d have a problem with it, though she appreciates him checking with her. Rather than being an actual obstacle, this was like an obstacle false alarm.

Vikki and Victor

Victor was supposed to fly to Albuquerque from Chicago on Monday, December 28, three days before the wedding. Unfortunately, a major storm hit, and most flights out of Chicago were cancelled, including Victor’s. There was no other choice. He rented a car and started driving. There were tornadoes in southern Illinois, there were floods in Missouri, and there were blizzards in Texas. But somehow, he got to Albuquerque by January 30th.

Here’s the thing though: he had an out, and he didn’t take it. Instead, he literally drove through tornadoes, floods, and blizzards to reach me for marriage. It’s pretty awesome to be loved that much.

Guests

Edna and Ted

People who came because Tootie put up a sign at the supermarket. I suppose you could call them “randos.”

Edna and Bruce

Besides the expected, like Andy, there were only randos, including some familiar faces.

Jo and Rick

This is like a real wedding that has been planned and shit, so a handful, including her parents, Beverly Ann, Pippa, Andy, and a dozen or so extras.

Vikki and Victor

We had about one hundred guests, including my best friends from high school, my sisters’ friends who had watched me grow up, extended family, and a bunch of friends of my parents’ that I had never met before. We also had one couple who are friends of ours from Colorado. They ended up being Victor’s only representatives, due to the shitty weather in Chicago (see above: Obstacles). Regardless, we had a full house (and then some) in our 80-person venue.

<

The Ceremony

Edna and Ted

None (see Outcome, below).

Edna and Bruce

Once everyone is saved from the falling Winnebago, the wedding goes on in the common barbecue area of the RV park. Tootie, Natalie, Blair, and Jo (walking in that order) are bridesmaids. Beverly Ann is kind of a looming figurehead.

Some rando plays “Here Comes the Bride” on the harmonica.

The priest says his lines and the bride and groom dutifully reply. Mrs. G throws her bouquet (made of wild blueberries that Tootie found in the RV park), and Jo reluctantly catches it. Guess what? The prophecy of the bouquet-catcher being the next to get married comes to fruition:

Jo and Rick

Jo and Rick have a proper church ceremony with a white dress and bridesmaids and groomsmen and shit, although it’s a bit confusing why Rick’s groomsmen are all Jo’s bridesmaids’ boyfriends, except for Casey, Rick’s best man, who met Blair through Jo. Anyway. We don’t get much of an indication that Rick has any family or history. I know all the males in his family died at 30, but surely there are loads of non-male relatives?

The organ plays “Here Comes the Bride” as Jo walks down the aisle with her father.

It all appears very traditional, until the priest reads the ceremony that Jo and Rick have written themselves:

“Marriage is a wonderful thing.”

It’s pretty awesome. If I’d watched this episode around the time of my wedding I might’ve used it. They exchange rings and the priest says some blessing stuff, followed by a pronouncement of Jo and Rick as “husband and wife.”

Vikki and Victor

he invitation said to show at 4:00, and we started the ceremony at 4:20. We opened with this.

After our intro, I walked out to David Bowie’s “Lady Grinning Soul” with my mom and dad. My friend Dan, whom I’d met online before meeting people online was a thing people did, performed the ceremony. Victor and I each made speeches that we’d written. We’d promised our guests a short ceremony, but it ended up taking about twenty-five minutes. I guess we lawyers are long-winded.

Dan pronounced us “Victor and Vikki: married edition” and we reported to the bar for our first filling.

Outcome:

Edna and Ted

Edna and Ted realized that rushing into a marriage was a bad idea, and was out of character for them. Instead, he gave her his pin and they decided to go steady. They turned the wedding into a “going steady party” (unseen), and dated for another several episodes. Ted disappeared sometime between seasons six and eight. One of these days I’ll figure out when.

Edna and Bruce

Our intrepid Peace Corps volunteers successfully married and went to Africa. In the remaining two seasons of the series, we’d hear updates about their adventures every now and then. As far as we know, they’re still together.

Jo and Rick

Jo and Rick successfully married, and Rick left the next day for his concert piano gig. As far as we know, they’re still together.

Vikki and Victor

Indeed, we successfully married.

We had hoped that our lives would settle down after the wedding, and that 2016 would allow us to catch our breath and especially to get a dog. Unfortunately we haven’t slowed down. I’m still figuring out what to do with my life and talents. I’m trying to submit some pieces for publication, and I’m volunteering to speak at a gender awareness conference. My amazing husband continues to support my unusual choices and pursuit of the unknown.

In other words: So far, so good.