7-12 “Ballroom Dance”
In case you missed it, Jo Freaking Polniaczek Nancy McKeon is on Season 27(!) of Dancing With the Stars. It premiered last week. She did a quickstep, and she was pretty good. I thought she was a little clunky, but easily right up there in the top five with the competitors thirty years and more her junior. I am very excited about watching her progress.
But wait! It’s not the first time that she’s donned a dress and taken dancing instructions! Does Val Chmerkovskiy know about Nat Bernstein?
Our opener has Jo and her fabulous season seven Femmullet sitting on the couch when Natalie enters. Natalie, who has graduated from Eastland and foregone college for the moment to experience life, is teaching aerobics at a nearby dance studio. She’s in full post-work gripe mode, complaining about how much they take out of her paycheck and how this job sucks but it’s better than shucking oysters at Reubens and now they have her handing out brochures too. Poor put-upon Natalie. She dumps the brochures on the couch next to Jo and heads upstairs to take a shower.
At the studio, Natalie adorably leads a bunch of senior women in sweatin’ to “A Fifth of Beethoven.” Jo walks in as the class is winding down, and when Natalie finishes giving post-workout pep talks to her ladies, Jo tells Natalie she came because she’s interested in taking a class. Specifically, a ballroom class. Natalie thinks she’s joking. She’s not.
Jo says she’s always wondered about ballroom dancing, which seems so “mannered” and “clean.” I just realized that this episode is probably why I took ballroom dance as a required PE credit in college. Like Jo, I’m not someone that people would look at and think “ballroom.” But I had to take one more PE credit, so when I discovered ballroom was an option, I said “Why not?” I LOVED it. I still do. I might have to put out a classified ad for a partner. I’ve tried to drag my husband to lessons, but he’s not into it. I have a secret dream to do a beautiful choreographed waltz to “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls.
Jo being into ballroom made it OK for me to be into ballroom. Thanks so much Jo, Nancy, and the Facts writers!
And then the most awesome perfect thing happens! Upon concluding that Jo is truly interested in taking the class, Natalie does not continue to mock or express incredulity. She is excited for Jo, and encouraging of the effort! Jo doesn’t want anyone else to know, in large part because Natalie thinks it’s “cute,” and frankly so do I. Yes! They are cute! Tell me they’re not cute as we fade out of this scene!
Fast forward to the first day of dance class. The instructor puts the two couples with dance experience on the spot and threatens informs everyone that they’ll soon be on display as well. Jo squirms.
Jo’s assigned partner for the class is a lad named Chuck, whose specialty is not dance, but rather “giving headaches to running backs.”
He looks a little small for a defensive tackle, but OK. He is taking the class because his girlfriend is throwing a ’40s bash for her birthday, and he wants to learn some dancing beforehand. Jo thinks that’s cute sweet.
The couple on display does a move that is impressive but easy, and Jo and Chuck express doubt that they’ll ever get that far. It’s basically a matter of whether you have the rhythm or not. If you can clap along to the beat, I can teach you how to dance. If you can’t, then I can’t teach you how to dance, but a professional might be able to.
Jo and Chuck both look a little rough. Also Jo is wearing sneakers, which is a HUGE no-no in ballroom (your feet need to be able to glide on a wooden floor. Sneakers provide the opposite of that). I definitely wouldn’t be a good instructor for them.
Back at the ranch, George Clooney arm wrestles with Mackenzie Astin.
George answers the ringing phone, which Tootie fears is scandalous and Blair thinks is good PR. I had a male roommate one summer. This was in the early days of caller ID, and every time I had some creeper of an ex call, I had him answer and pretend to be my boyfriend. Still working on getting to the day when “no” is enough to get them to leave you alone.
Of course, this course of action is not available in the age of cell phones, and neither is the this element of the plot, where George intercepts Chucks call for Jo and the group figures out that Jo is taking a dance class. They wonder why she didn’t tell them, and Mrs. Garrett hypothesizes that Jo being who she is might want to keep that secret. What a perfect time for Natalie to come in and do a bad job of pretending she doesn’t know about Jo’s dance lessons. Tootie says it’s “cute.” I told you.
Jo returns home.
Tootie spills the beans and Jo tries to minimize it. Mrs. Garrett thinks it’s wonderful; Blair thinks Jo’s doing it just to confuse her. Jo insists that she just needed some exercise.
When Chuck arrives, Tootie demands to see what they’ve got and the whole group piles on, George even going so far as moving the table so that Jo and Chuck can be performing monkeys. Finally, they agree to waltz.
Jo gripes and moans about her sore butt, for which Mrs. Garrett adorably offers soup and the others try to be encouraging. Natalie tells Jo that she’s learning and she should be OK for the recital.
Turns out Jo didn’t know that at the end of each dance class, the class puts on a public performance. D’oh.
We return from commercial to the shop. Mrs. Garrett interrupts Jo to tell her that she’s still got her senior prom gown, and she would love it if Jo would wear it to the recital. Jo is appropriately honored. Perhaps having her clothes picked by Mrs. Garrett will improve her general appearance in formalwear.
Blair enters the shop and makes some light jokes at Jo’s expense. She really wants to know why Jo decided to pursue ballroom dance.
Jo: “Why not?”
Blair: Because it’s not you.”
Jo: “Who says? Just because I don’t have season tickets to the Joffrey doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate grace and style. He likes hockey so he can’t like opera? Does everybody have to fit into a slot? Can’t we give each other some room?“
Yes! You go, Jo. Let people enjoy things. Blair sincerely apologizes and the girls have a nice moment where Blair encourages Jo before one more joke.
Back in the house, Jo looks delighted as she practices alone. The phone rings. It’s Chuck. His girlfriend found out about the dance classes, and wasn’t happy about it. Specifically, she’s jealous of Jo. Jo “not like other girls”es that she’s not the kind of girl that makes other girls jealous. Chuck insists that his girlfriend “is a really good person; she just gets possessive sometimes.”
OK, eff off with that bullshit. I’ve been realizing more and more how this internalized misogyny is so very deep-seated in just about every women. We’re told that other women are threats, not friends, not sisters, not partners in the dismantling of the patriarchy. And to make your boyfriend quit a commitment he made, as he explains that his girlfriend has done, is a shitty, shitty thing to do. I hate Sheila. Oh! So does Jo.
Chuck: “I really had fun. Every time you see me on campus you can run up and step on my toes.”
Jo: “How ’bout I step on Sheila’s?”
At the shop, Blair dances with around George, and Andy offers to fill in for Chuck until he realizes that the size difference between him and Jo is a deal-breaker. Enter Chuck. He explains that this whole situation has finally brought him to an important realization:
“Sheila’s not nice.”
Jo and Chuck are back!
At the recital, the gang hovers in a corner while another couple takes the stage. Enter Jo and Chuck.
Yep, that dress is way better than anything she ever dressed herself in, and thank heavens she’s finally wearing proper ballroom dancing shoes.
She even perfectly executes the lift (don’t be doin’ that on DWTS, sister. Lifts ain’t allowed). The gang is proud as can be. Jo has had her ballroom dance experience, and all we need is her triumph to end the episode. Now go win that Mirror Ball Trophy, sister.
