1-13: “Dope” (part 2 of 2)

Previously, on Cousin Geri: A Facts of Life Appreciation Blog…

Blair got Sue Ann into “The Group,” a secretive, exclusive group of seniors who really are just a bunch of stoners. Tootie crashed the secret meeting/toking party of “The Group” and Blair told her that bongs are used to hold jelly beans. Blair shied away from smoking the pot but Sue Ann caved to peer pressure and defiantly toked as we faded to commercial.

And now, the conclusion of “Dope.”

We return from commercial as Nancy descends the stairs and tells Mrs. Garrett, who is in the process of hooking up Tumpy’s stereo with Molly and Cindy’s help, that Sue Ann is feeling better and will be down shortly. Molly expresses disbelief that Tumpy sold the stereo so cheap, and Mrs. Garrett says she would never have bought it if Tumpy hadn’t presented a signed note from her mother, which she sure hopes wasn’t forged. Ha.

Blair and Sue Ann come down the stairs together and we learn that Sue Ann is OK (I don’t feel like we got any indication that she was ever not OK), and the good news is that she finished her book report in just half an hour! Recall that these are sophomores or juniors in high school (I really must finish that timeline) charged with (1) doing a “book report” on (2) Moby Dick, and (3) it is to be 20 pages. I recall a book report being more or less a summary of the book; a critical analysis would be a “paper” or an “essay,” no? How on earth does one do a 20-page book report? Also, isn’t sophomore or junior year in high school a little old to be assigned Moby Dick? Maybe not; I’m sort of out of touch.

Anyway, Sue Ann says that her book report is “brilliant,” and asks Mrs. Garrett for her opinion on it. Would you like to give your opinion on it? Here it is (each line is an entire page):

Mrs. Garrett jokes, “Sue Ann, what’ve you been smoking?” as Blair and Sue Ann unsubtly tell Mrs. Garrett that they thought she’d get a kick out of the joke and flee the premises.

Enter Tootie and Natalie, who have just returned from the record store. They proudly show off their new purchases to Mrs. Garrett.

Tootie and Natalie, it seems, have purchased a bong for each of them and one for Mrs. Garrett. Mrs. Garrett, suitably horrified, asks the girls if they know what bongs are for. Tootie says, as she learned, that you put jelly beans in them, but Natalie says she’d rather put root beer in hers, since it comes with a built-in straw and all. Mrs. Garrett asks why they bought them, at which point Tootie narcs on “The Group,” and Mrs. Garrett informs them that:

“Girls, what people use these for is smoking marijuana.”

Mrs. Garrett is outraged that the store would sell bongs to kids Natalie’s and Tootie’s ages, and the girls are appropriately contrite. Mrs. Garrett swears them to secrecy until they have a chance to talk to Mr. Bradley, the headmaster.

We cut to a shot of a bedroom, where Natalie, Tootie, and Nancy are all sitting holding bankers boxes with their names on them. We also see Cindy’s box in the background and one whose label isn’t clear. I doubt that five girls share a room, and if they do it seems unwise to put eighth graders with sophomores and juniors.

But the point is that Mr. Bradley is conducting surprise inspections of all the girls’ belongings. Mrs. Garrett claims that such surprise inspections are an invasion of privacy, which she’s probably wrong about, legally, since it’s a private school, and even if it weren’t, the girls’ parents probably consented to broad authority on the part of the administration when they sent their daughters to boarding school. But it still sucks. Anyway, Mr. Bradley’s assertion that smoking pot is illegal and when you break the law you have no privacy is also legally unsound, so it seems as though Eastland’s administration, as well as its staff and students, could use the advice of an attorney. I would volunteer my services, but it’ll be a year before I take the bar exam, and I don’t plan to take it in New York. Also, Eastland isn’t real.

Sue Ann and Blair pop into the room Mr. Bradley informs them that their room is next. They found “dope” in Tumpy’s room, he says, and she and all of her roommates are being expelled. He orders Blair to empty her purse on the table, since she is a member of “The Group.” Oh noes! She has that secret lipstick with the joint, remember?

Mr. Bradley apparently has some magic drug dog abilities, because he goes straight for the fake lipstick. Sue Ann tries to cover for her and say it’s hers and she gave it to Blair, but Blair womans up and claims responsibility. Mr. Bradley finds the hiding place, but it’s empty!

After Mr. Bradley leaves, we learn that Blair got rid of the joint after seeing Sue Ann as a wreck of a pothead, and from now on, she’s going to stick to getting high on herself.

Mrs. Garrett promises to return the bongs to the record store in painful fashion. The PSA is completed by Mrs. Garrett lamenting that these girls have ruined their lives over dope, the girls all promise never to smoke pot, and all is right in the world of Eastland.