1-11 “Running” – Cousin Geri

It turns out that third year of law school is not the picnic everyone promised. That’s at least in part because I made bad choices, but that’s neither here nor there, since the practical reality is that I haven’t been able to keep up with this blog. And also I have no actual Internet right now, thanks to shitty Comcast, so I have to use my phone as a hotspot. But having acquired a new viewer in RJ Guy, and having received a request for more season one recaps, particularly “Running,” I’m happy to oblige! I promised, and I keep my promises! I feel like there should have been a Facts of Life episode about keeping promises, but I can’t recall one. It’s sort of alluded to in the Jermaine Jackson episode, but that’s more about learning that stars are not your friends. Anyway, on with the recap!

After some opening filler involving a hilarious camera that dates the show, a Blair photo shoot that they totally should have showed during the reunion show for the Survivor in which Lisa Whelchel finished second, and some inane dialogue from Tootie and Natalie that makes you wonder why they were kept for the second season, we get to the meat of the episode. Mr. Bradley appears wielding the trophy for the state championships in the mile. Apparently if Eastland wins the mile one more time, they get permanent possession of the trophy. Mr. Bradley is very attached to this trophy, it seems, and he’s counting on Sue Ann to once again bring home the gold. We learn that she’s won it two years in a row, which means she had to have won it as a freshman, which will be clear when I get around to doing that timeline I’ve been promising.

However, I don’t recall Sue Ann ever being a track star before. In fact, this revelation seems inconsistent with the “Dieting” episode, where she worries that she needs to lose weight fast. Now, I understand that being an athlete doesn’t make a girl immune from body dysmorphia, but I feel like this is an understanding that would not have been common in 1979. Also, if she was as much of a running prodigy as the previous paragraph describes, and she suddenly stopped eating, wouldn’t her track performance have been affected, and someone would have noticed before she fainted? Am I asking too much from season one?

Things get more consistent when Cindy (whom we know is a jock) return from her run with Sue Ann. Apparently Cindy is becoming quite the miler herself, now that Sue Ann has taught her how to pace (you’d think someone would have mentioned this basic facet of distance running sooner, but OK). Anyway, at this point, they’re best friends, and Mrs. Garrett uses Molly’s camera to take a picture of them, which she calls “Buddies Forever.” Think that’ll last?

Well then, it turns out that Sue Ann has been training Cindy because she doesn’t plan to run in the competition this year. Mr. Bradley is skeptical. Sue Ann is the champion! What is Cindy, who has never competitively run before, doing trying to make her debut in the state competition? I ask myself the same question.

Blair makes an appearance to call Sue Ann “Thunder Thighs,” so I guess I do get where Sue Ann got the body dysmorphia a few episodes ago.

Sue Ann doesn’t want to run this year because she has the record, and she has a heavier course load (cue another fat joke from Blair), so she doesn’t want to train so much. Also, there’s a big dance on Saturday night (didn’t they just have one?), and Blair wants Sue Ann to transform from jock to princess so they can double date or whatever.

Mr. Bradley isn’t buying it. He reminds Sue Ann of the thrill of a run, describing what sounds a lot more like a marathon than a mile. But what do I know – I only run a maximum of 100 meters, and that’s only if I have a rugby ball under my arm and a try line in front of me, and only if I manage to evade tackle all that time. Anyway, Mr. Bradley thinks Sue Ann has no school spirit, and Mrs. Garrett thinks that Sue Ann’s humility and generosity in encouraging Cindy to run is the true Eastland spirit. Finally, with pressure from the entire house, Mr. Bradley accepts that Cindy is his runner this year.

The entire house has running fever, as Sue Ann brings them all in from a workout. Cindy has apparently been training with Mr. Bradley, and Sue Ann learns that in training, Cindy has already beaten Sue Ann’s record from the previous year (5:03, beating Sue Ann’s 5:08. “Without even breathing hard”). And when Sue Ann learns that Cindy is also going to train for the 880 (half a mile, for those of you not in the know), for which Sue Ann also holds the record, it turns out to be too much for Sue Ann. She’s back in the race, and ready to show Cindy who’s boss!

Mrs. Garrett is dismayed at the elevation of competition, which Mr. Bradley is of course all over. The next scene takes us to Mrs. Garrett and Mr. Bradley alone in the dorm, where we learn – dun dun dun! – that Mr. Bradley faked Cindy’s time in order to get Sue Ann back in the race! Mrs. Garrett is livid. Apparently Sue Ann and Cindy aren’t friends anymore; they don’t even speak to each other when they’re training and all they do is train. Mr. Bradley finds this healthy, and in no uncertain terms instructs Mrs. Garrett to butt out. By which I mean he says, “Mrs. Garrett, butt out.”

Sue Ann and Cindy return from their run arguing about whether Cindy pushed Sue Ann off her stride or legitimately beat her. They end up in actual fisticuffs, restrained by Mrs. Garrett and Mr. Bradley and egged on by Blair…

…who ends up caught in the crossfire.

Tootie suggests that Blair make her eye white to match her face, or make her face black to match her eye. I think that joke might have worked from a Chris Rock or a Tyler Perry, but from a 10-year-old ~~Token~~Tootie, that’s probably not OK.

Sue Ann announces that she’s moving in to Blair’s room (I thought that they were already roommates?), while Cindy jumps rope to let off steam. Molly, who has confronted Sue Ann, helps Sue Ann admit that she’s just pissed off and jealous because Cindy is better than she is. Natalie and Nancy confront Cindy, and we learn that she was happy with baseball and tennis until Sue Ann got her into running. Putting the plausibility of an all-girls’ school having a baseball team, aren’t all three of those spring sports? I know Cindy is a super-jock, but I’ve never heard of an athlete earning three letters in the same season. Anyway, Cindy thinks Sue Ann should just drop out of the race, because she’s not as fast as Cindy is! Oh noes!

Back at the dorm, Mrs. Garrett has just printed the picture she took of the pair at the beginning of the episode.

I don’t recall them ever being posed this way, but I suppose it could have happened off camera. She attempts to use the photo to guilt Mr. Bradley about what his hypercompetition has caused. The girls have made another plan. Mr. Bradley is to flip a coin to determine which girl will drop out of the race.

Mrs. Garrett attempts to guilt the girls with the photo, asking if either wants it. You can practically see the regret oozing off of them as they compliment the photo for its composition and quality while denying the existence of the subject matter.

Mrs. Garrett and Mr. Bradley argue about whether winning a sports competition is worth dumping a friendship. I think both Sue Ann and Cindy should play rugby. Then they’ll get all the competition on the field and all the friendship and camaraderie off of it.

When things get tense, Mrs. Garrett gets heavy. She changes the title of the photo from “Buddies Forever” to “Two Winners” and dramatically tears it in half, handing each girl half of the photo while exclaiming that now neither girl “needs to stand next to somebody she hates!”

Drama works, it turns out. The girls apologize to each other, and Mr. Bradley comes clean about manipulating Cindy’s time to stoke the competition. And it turns out that Mrs. Garrett gave each girl the picture of the other one, but they decide to keep them anyway. Mrs. Garrett suggests that the girls get together for a new picture: “Two Champs.” Mr. Bradley suggests, “Three Champs,” to which Mrs. Garrett encourages him to get in. But no! He’s talking about Mrs. Garrett! Because she knew all along what really mattered. One last cameo from black-eyed Blair, and all is right with the world.