3-10 “Cousin Geri Returns” AKA “Geri’s Romance”

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you already know that I pretty much worship this show for its quiet progressiveness. It is certainly sometimes a product of its time, and I give it lots of shit for the part of it that is typical 80s sitcom easy jokes and bullshit. It is indeed important to point out the places where even this gem missed, and I do plenty of that around here.

But sometimes it’s great to just talk about how the show hits the ball out of the goddamned park, and that’s what I want to do today.

There’s a reason this blog is called Cousin Geri, and if you don’t know off the top of your head who she is, she’s Blair’s cousin, introduced in Season 2. If you don’t know who Blair is, please visit posts categorized in “About the Show’ and then come back to the recaps!. In short: Cousin Geri is a groundbreaking character whose presence on the show just made Facts that much more awesome.

Now, in the middle of Season Three, Geri makes her second appearance on the show, and it’s such a heralded event that the her name is in not one title for the episode, but two. One is more spoilery than the other. And lo, Facts addresses the asexualization of people with disabilities, a phenomenon that is very much alive today.

Indeed, Geri arrives as the girls are preparing to co-host the Bates/Eastland Paris-themed party.

They do a lot of Frenchy stuff at Eastland. They had their French party in Season One, when Blair clashed with the first, poorly-done version of her mom and Mrs. Garrett wore a silly outfit.

And then, of course, they went to Paris between Seasons Three and Four, which resulted in a Season 4 episode in which a group from France comes to Eastland. I haven’t recapped either of those yet, but I promise I will.

So, back on the show we’re watching now, everyone says their hellos to Geri, and we learn that she is headlining at the Brown’s Hotel, which was a real place in the Catskills in which Geri may well have performed. Google returns no relevant results on Geri Jewell Brown’s Hotel, but Google doesn’t know everything. Harumph.

The big Frenchy party is at the Bates gym that night complete with French food, French music, and the River Seine (fries, an accordion, and a janitor standing in the middle of the room with a garden hose). And it turns out that “there was a mix-up with the dates” and Geri doesn’t open at the Brown’s until Monday. She’ll be around for the weekend and would love to crash the party. Everyone is delighted that she’ll be coming along, except Blair, who side-eyes.

It’s clear to Geri that Blair isn’t really on board with the idea, but Blair lays on a “sure it’s OK!” monologue before Mrs. Garrett drags Geri out of the cafeteria for “some cafe au lait and a little parlez vous” (coffee and chat – see I speak French!).

As soon as Mrs G. and Geri leave the room, Blair harumphs and fusses and no one knows what she’s on about. Turns out Blair is concerned that with everyone else paired up at the party, Geri will feel like “unmatched sock.” I’m pretty sure that an adult woman is just fine flying solo at her cousin’s high school party, Blair, but OK.

Rather than point out this basic fact, the girls comment, also true, that, if it’s that important, it shouldn’t be a problem to get Geri a date. Natalie notes that she’s “cute, funny, and has a great personality.” Blair mentions the elephant in the room, and Jo allows that cerebral palsy “might make some guys uptight.” Blair notes that Geri is “special,” and Tootie says that then they’ll just have to find someone to pair Geri up with who is just as “special as she is.” This could have gone badly, but the show makes it clear that we’re laughing at Blair’s ignorance.

Blair: “I know! How about that senior at Bates? The one in the wheelchair!”

Meanwhile, Geri and Mrs. G are enjoying their coffee talk when a standard 80s heartthrob comes in the back door.

Lest anyone think that I’m mocking his bland white 80sness, be assured that I was and am as into this look as anyone else of the era. Have you seen my husband? Besides, the actor, Lou Richards, may not be a household name, but he has had an enviably busy acting career. This mofo has been busting ass for over forty years. Good on him. I should write him a letter. Or Facebook him or whatever it is you do these days.

Mike Palmer is his name, and he’s the French teacher at Bates. He knows of Geri; he saw her on the Cerebral Palsy telethon, and he thought she was terrific. He then does the ableist thing where he tells her he’ll hold her coffee for her and she should just sit right down and rest. She reminds him that she’s a standup comic, not a sitdown comic, he apologizes, she makes a joke, and they move on.

See, now that’s how it’s done. You screw up, and someone corrects you, and you apologize for the foolish thing that obviously bothered someone, and everyone laughs and moves on.

Mrs. Garrett interjects to note that she’s got everything together that Mike/Mr. Palmer came in to check on (brie, bread, serving trays, and a punch bowl), and she suggests that Geri drive the stuff over to the gym on her way to the party.

Mike: “Oh, are you going to be at the French Club party?”
Geri: “Yeah, I’m gate crashing.”
Mike: “Ah. You got a date?”
Geri: “Do I need one?”
Mike: “Oh, absolutely! Spending an evening in Paris alone is against the law!”
Geri: “Is it really?”
Mike: “Well if it isn’t, it should be.”

They see it, Mrs. Garrett sees it, and we see it: the two have ridiculous chemistry and agree to be each other’s dates to the party.

Back in the cafeteria, Blair still frets about getting a date for Geri and announces that she’ll ask “Glen” to be Geri’s date, and it’ll be the perfect opportunity for Glen to prove his devotion to Blair.

Jo: “What makes you think she’d want to go out with one of your nerdy friends? They’re too young for her and she’s too nice for them.”

Thank you, Jo. It’s about time someone pointed out that a high school girl trying to fix up her adult cousin with one of her high school boyfriends is gross and horrible. Blair goes on blithering and Jo goes on mocking as Geri and Mike/Mr. Palmer come into the cafeteria. Natalie underscores Mike’s hearthrobbiness by rushing up to him and announcing that she’s taking French with him next semester (Tootie: “I thought you were taking Spanish.” Natalie: “Not anymore (wink)”).

Blair, in the pursuit of her latest cockamamie plan to tell everyone she’s too sick to go to the party (how this is supposed to help Geri I have no idea), starts telling Mr. Palmer about all her terrible symptoms of her fake disease that means she can’t go to the party.

Mike: “Oh gee, that’s too bad.”
Geri: “Mike and I will have to tell you all about it.”

Upon hearing that Geri has snagged Peekskill’s most eligible bachelor for tonight’s party and didn’t need her help after all, Blair makes a miraculous recovery and everyone except lovesick Natalie is all smiles as Mike/Mr. Palmer makes his exit.

With the dude gone, the girls all lose their shit, excited about Geri’s hot date and demanding to know all the details of what’s happened so far and what’s yet to happen. Blair congratulates Geri on landing the “catch of the year,” and Geri replies that she’s excited but also nervous, y’know, “First date and all.” Blair assures her that she’s in for the night of her life.

Later that night, Mrs. Garrett makes tea in the kitchen. Blair flits in and gives herself the credit for Geri having a great night. She also makes a big deal about how great Mr. Palmer treated Geri by being thoughtful and attentive. That’s the minimum I expect of my dates, Blair. Maybe we should have a talk.

Blair: “He made it seem like it was a regular date!”

Oh. Yeah Blair, we need to talk, but not about what I thought.

Mrs. Garrett asks what other kind of date there is, and Blair talks about “the kind Geri is used to, where she and a buddy go out for a hamburger and to a movie.” She goes on to describe Mr. Palmer’s other date-like behavior, including (gasp!) slow-dancing, as “gracious.”

At just that moment, Geri returns, walking on air. Mrs. Garrett is excited that they hit it off, and is delighted when Geri says, “Hit it off? Did Romeo and Juliet ‘hit it off’?” Geri is awesome as she says, “Mrs. Garrett, I’m not even gonna try to be cool about this.”

That’s one of the things I sort of miss about being single: The absolute rapture of meeting someone that you like and the date going well and all that. Of course, more often than not that rapture ends in heartbreak, and I wouldn’t trade my amazing husband for any of that, but it certainly was fun back in the day.

And it turns out that not only did Geri have a brilliant time at the party with Mike, but she’s going to spend the day in the mountains with him tomorrow hiking up to a place called “Sunset Ridge.” Mrs. Garrett thinks it’s romantic. Blair gets all worrypants.

Apparently Blair has decided that “innocent” Geri “doesn’t know anything about men” and is not capable of managing these adult fee-fees she’s having. Mr. Palmer can’t possibly be interested in her for real, and therefore Geri’s googly-eyed state can only lead to heartbreak. Fade.

The next morning, as the girls clean up the cafeteria, Blair snits and snots about how Mr. Palmer is the devil incarnate, while the other girls side-eye her for being so upset that Geri had a good time.

The girls sensibly point out that it is entirely possible that Mr. Palmer could be as into Geri as Geri is into him, but Blair, the self-appointed “voice of experience,” insists that he’s only trying to rack up do-gooder brownie points by dating a “handicapped person.” She hooks Natalie and Tootie.

Thank heavens Jo still has her wits about her. “I say, when Palmer walks in here, we blow his brains out!” she mocks.

I give Jo a lot of shit for being self-righteous, a killjoy, and a criminal, but no matter what, she is Jo Freaking Polniaczek. She was my everything growing up, and maybe now I’m a little harder on her when I realize that she has her own foibles (because people are imperfect – what a breakthrough). Natalie has replaced Jo as my “favorite,” but Jo will always be Jo Freaking Polniaczek.

Natalie: “Jo, this isn’t funny! Geri’s important to us! She’s like one of the family!”
Blair: “She is one of my family!”
Jo: “Well has anyone asked Geri what she thinks?”

Bless you, Jo.

Enter Mike/Mr. Palmer. Blair, Natalie, and Tootie turn their backs as he offers a friendly hello. Jo awkwardly attempts to engage with him as the others sneer, and then runs upstairs to get Geri. Mr. Palmer approaches Natalie and greets her in French.

Natalie: “Aqui se habla Espanol.”

OK, that was pretty funny.

Mrs. Garrett’s entrance melts some of the ice, but it’s pretty ugly in the caf as Jo returns with Geri. Mike checks in that she has everything she needs for today…and for this evening.

I’m struggling to get a good screen shot of Blair being all pissy and indignant about how they’re spending the evening together, but trust me, she is. And as soon as they’re out the door, Blair starts snotting on Mrs. Garrett for telling them to have a good time.

Mrs. Garrett: “They’re going to the mountains. What was I supposed to say, ‘Don’t trip over a goat’?”

Jo appears delighted that Geri’s off on her date while Blair demands that Jo get her motorcycle and “flip it on, or jump on it, or whatever you do to start it” so they can follow them. Jo continues her incredulous mockery.

The next morning, in her pink bathrobe, Blair paces and panics because Geri still hasn’t returned. Jo pooh-poohs that Geri is “a little late” and Natalie clarifies, “Twelve hours late.”

I cut Blair and the others some slack on worrying. Mike and Geri didn’t take overnight gear, so they clearly weren’t planning on staying overnight. If they said they’d be back by a particular time and didn’t make it, I’d’ve called search and rescue after an hour or two. There were no cell phones then, so you can’t try to reach them and who knows how far they have to go to find a phone. Still, they need to plan for that if there are people at home worrying.

Harumph.

Mrs. Garrett emphasizes that at twenty-three, Geri is a grown woman who can take care of herself, and that she’s a guest, not a prisoner. But even Mrs. G wishes Geri had called.

80s sit-com timing has Geri making her entrance just then, looking like a million bucks.

Geri: “Good morning.”
Blair: “Good afternoon.”
Geri: “No kiddin’.”

Mrs. G asks the girls to leave so she can speak to Geri alone. Blair interjects that indeed she and Mrs. Garrett will speak to Geri alone together. And when they’re done, Natalie wants a turn. Tootie too. She asks if she should take a number.

Jo: “Listen, if you want to break out of here, I’m going over the wall at midnight.”

For real. How lovely it is that Jo is the sane one here. It’s wonderful writing, true to the characters. Jo may never have walked the streets of Paris, but she’s walked the streets of New York City and she sure as shit ain’t gonna talk to a grown woman like she’s a teenager who missed curfew.

Mrs. Garrett shows her frustration, and tells Geri that she was worried. Geri apologizes and acknowledges that she should have called, but when she first thought about it, it was too late, and the next time she thought about it, it was too early. Fair enough. I’ve lost weekends before.

Geri’s apology is enough for Mrs. Garrett, but Blair isn’t finished.

Blair: “Geri, I want you to know, I’m doing this for your own good.”
Geri: “Doing what?”
Blair: “Forbidding you to see Mr. Palmer again.”

Geri (to Mrs. G): “Are you hearing what I’m hearing?”
Mrs. G: “I’m hearing but I’m not believing what I’m hearing!”

Us too, sisters. Good Lord, Blair, what is wrong with you?

She makes it worse by talking about forbidden fruit and telling Geri not to sneak off when her back is turned, and Geri finally gets pissed.

Blair condescends that Geri doesn’t know anything about men, to which Geri protests that she’s had her share of experiences. Blair patronizes that she knows she’s been to movies and hamburgers and ball games. Geri objects that that ain’t what she’s talking about.

Well now Blair’s pissy that Geri never told her about any of her dates, and Geri points out that Blair never asked, she just assumed there weren’t any.

Blair: “I just don’t want him to take advantage of you because you feel grateful to him.”
Geri: “Grateful? I don’t have to feel grateful that he asked me out! He’s lucky I went!”

Preach!

Blair protests that she “didn’t mean it that way,” but of course she did. That’s what this whole episode is about. Blair continues that she’s just worried about Geri facing rejection.

Mrs. Garrett: “Since when is an all-night date rejection?”

Blair just doesn’t want Geri to get hurt.

Geri: “Blair, when I learned to roller skate, I got hurt. When I learned to ride a bike, I got hurt. Well now, I know how to roller skate, and I know how to ride a bike.” Oooooohhhhhh.

Mrs. Garrett gives Geri a pat of triumph and reminds Blair that rejection is part of dating and going out and the whole thing. Blair can’t relate, of course (laugh track).

After some trading of cousinly-affection and the resolution of their tension, Blair enthusiastically asks Geri whether she’s going to see Mr. Palmer again. She says he said he’d call and she said she’d go out with him, and if she’s free, she will.

Mrs. Garrett encourages Geri to be free! That is, be available…er…