8-22: “This is Only a Test”

Since my complete series DVDs arrived about a month ago, I’ve been savoring the opportunity to watch seasons six through nine, to which I haven’t had reliable access in over a decade. I still haven’t made it all the way to the end of season 9, but the ride has been a real treat.

Earlier this week, as I slowly made my way through season eight, I got to the episode where Blair takes the LSAT. Since I always expected to be in law school someday, I remember paying attention to the episode at the time, but now that I’ve been there done that, I watch it through a whole new lens.

Our episode begins with an irrelevant stage-setting featuring Jo moving a table and Andy eating a giant sandwich, when Tootie and Natalie burst through the door exclaiming that they’ve got the best thing ever for them all to do that weekend. It involves a spa with mud baths and the like, located two hours away from Peekskill. Jo is incredulous that anyone would pay money to sit in mud. I consider mudbathing kind of a fancy-pants thing to do, but I’ve at least heard of it, and I don’t buy that Jo would not have. Also, I really can’t deal with Jo’s fingernails in this scene.

But Beverly Ann is enthused to go, and once Andy finds out they feature “massages by large Swedish women,” he’s in too. Jo doesn’t want to go and doesn’t think Blair will want to either. They send Andy to summon Blair, while Jo predicts that she’ll pretend to be interested but make up a phony excuse not to go.

Blair does more or less exactly that. Her excuse? She’s taking the LSAT on Saturday.

Now, when I registered to take the LSAT, pretty much everyone I ever spoke to knew that it was coming up, because it ate my life. There’s no way the five people with whom I’m living would have no idea less than a week before the test. But indeed, no one knows a thing about it. Blair applied to Langley Law School three months ago, but she didn’t tell them because she was ashamed. Ashamed that she might not get in? Ashamed that she is still refusing to leave Peekskill? Nope, Princess Blair was ashamed that she might actually decide to work for a living. And that they might make fun of her.

Apparently, though, as a Warner, it’s her obligation to make her family proud. As Jo, Tootie and Natalie continue to mock her, she notes that there has been an attorney in every generation of Warners, but Blair would be the first woman. And by the way, she wouldn’t have gone to the mud spa even if she didn’t have the LSAT.

We fade upstairs, where Blair is considering her outfit for her interview with the dean of admissions on Friday.

I don’t know whether to blame the ’80s for this one. I don’t think this would ever have been acceptable. I might have worn something very much like this when I was a high school debater, but that doesn’t mean it was acceptable.

Jo comes into the room and says that she had some time on her way home so she stopped by the bookstore and bought Blair an LSAT preparation guide. Awww. That was really sweet and thoughtful.

Blair agrees that it was indeed very kind and thoughtful of Jo, and if she were planning on studying for the LSAT, she’d be moved to tears.

And so we learn that Blair is not at all concerned about the test because of her “natural ability.” When Jo wisely points out that sometimes natural ability isn’t enough, Blair says that it is “when your natural ability is being rich.”

I know! The live studio audience gasped too.

Jo protests that you can’t buy your way into law school, and Blair says that she’s only trying to do what’s right in taking a buy-in spot so as to leave her spot to someone who can’t afford to buy their way in.

It makes a strange sort of sense, in a very weird way that can also be described as ew.

We flash forward to Friday and some transition banter about the mud spa and Andy’s giant sandwich while Blair strategically lays articles about Warner donations to Langley around the room in preparation for the dean’s visit. Fortunately, she decided against the awful blue suit.

While the dean sits and begins to open his briefcase, Blair makes a number of tacky, unsubtle comments about her father’s wealth and interest in donating to Langley. He is all business, though, commenting that Blair’s grades are “quite satisfactory,” and she has lots of extracurricular activities, including being vice president of Young Millionaires of America. She also has outstanding personal recommendations, particularly those from “the senator and the governor” (Blair: “Uncle Buzz and the Commodore”). All that’s missing is the LSAT score. Everyone says “L-S-A-T,” not “L-SAT”. I wonder if that was common then or if they just did it because they thought the audience would get confused.

The dean tells Blair that in order to even be considered for admission to Langley, she needs at least a 42 on the test. When Blair laughs that less than half will be a piece of cake to score, the dean tells her that it’s 42 out of 48.

If I were the dean, I would eliminate her from consideration immediately. Do you really want to admit someone who, the day before she takes the LSAT, doesn’t even know how it’s scored?

Also, I am having  a hell of a time finding a reliable source to find out what the LSAT scoring scale was in 1987. I found this one weird blog about Obama’s LSAT scores that says that it was on a scale of 48 around that time and suggests that a 42 would be equivalent to about a 166 today. Which is right around what I got, so it’s good but not great so it makes sense, but I wish I could find something more reliable to cite here. If any of you know of a source to verify this claim, I’d appreciate it if you’d note it in the comments. This is the sort of thing that keeps me up at night.

Anyway, having realized that the expected score is higher than she thought, Blair offers to get the dean coffee, tea, or a new library. The dean calls her out on trying to influence the process and reiterates their policy of admission without regard to wealth. Blair asks if all law schools have this policy, and the dean asks whether she’d want to go to one that doesn’t. Oh, snap. The dean leaves, commenting that there are lots of students with all of her qualifications and high LSAT scores. But, he taunts, a student with her track record clearly knows how to prepare and has undoubtedly spent the usual three months studying. Ouch. Yeah, she’s done. Wait’ll next year, Blair.

We return from the break to find Blair on the phone trying to find an LSAT prep course that she can finish that night.

Tootie overhears her desperate conversation and goes upstairs to ask Jo for the LSAT study guide she bought. No, she’s not going to try to pass for Blair, she just thinks that she could help her study, what with both of her parents being lawyers. Because the LSAT has so much to do with the actual law.

But no, Jo wants Tootie to go sit in the mud as planned, and she’ll help Blair. But she clearly has something up her sleeve to “get even” with Blair for being awful about the book before. That’s pretty shitty. I mean yeah, Blair was wretched, but what do you expect from Blair? Besides, you don’t sabotage someone’s LSAT just because she’s a bitch.

Blair is back on the phone, now trying to get a religious exception to take the test on Monday instead of Saturday, when Jo comes downstairs. Blair hangs up before we have a chance to see what goofy fake religion she’s going to make up. Jo says she’s going to go take the “stupid study guide” back to the bookstore. Blair offers to take it back for her. They go through the “I insist” – “No, I insist” game a couple of times and some more ridiculousness before Jo finally gets Blair to admit that she needs help. Meanwhile, I enjoy the hell out of the basket of plastic produce on the table.

Anyway, it turns out that Jo’s revenge was just to make Blair grovel a bit, because back upstairs, Blair and Jo get down to studying while the others leave for the mud spa amid some jokes about each others’ driving. We learn that Blair’s got 14 hours until the test. Jo gives her her first practice question:

“Value judgments forfeit their impunity when the context in which they are set forth is such as to comprise their expression of  instigation to some pernicious act.”

Blair: “False!”
Jo: “I haven’t gotten to the question yet.”

Blair would rather skip that one. I’m on her side. Regardless of what the question is, that’s not a particularly clear or well-written sentence. It has to be read closely and repeatedly to make any sense out of it at all, which is kinda like the law, I guess, but you can’t just have someone read it to you and be able to interpret it right away. Come to think of it, having someone read the questions to you is a pretty piss-poor way to study for the LSAT. But we shall soldier on.

“Question 2: Mary and Bob are cousins. Tom is Bob’s only uncle. Bob’s mother is Tom’s sister, but not Mary’s aunt. Mary has a dog named after her father. What is his name?”

Blair: “Spot!”
Me: “Tom, and that’s not an LSAT question, that’s like an elementary school brain teaser.”

At 3:00 a.m. Jo continues to ask questions while Blair has more or less given up.

Just wait until 2L, Warnsie. Jo coaxes Blair up and gets on to the next question.

“Ed and Fred Johnson are twins. All Johnsons have more daughters than sons. Fred has more sons than Ed, but Ed has more children. If Fred has four sons, then what is the minimum number of daughters that Ed must have?”

Blair:
Me: “Six.”

Blair breaks down and gives up, so Jo goes downstairs to watch TV. Blair follows, instructing Jo that she was supposed to have given her a pep talk. Instead, she lends an ear while Blair walks through her own problems and insecurities. After exchanging a few jokes, Blair says, “Seven.” As in, the minimum number of daughters that Ed must have is seven.

Huh? I figured six. And I’ve just checked my work and I cant figure what I missed. Please do this problem and let me know if I messed up or if once again I’ve found a nerd error.

In the morning, we see Jo asleep on the chair in their living room and Blair coming back, presumably from the test. She lies on the couch and fakes just waking up to mess with Jo. It’s a cute interaction, but there is no way in hell that Blair could have crammed for the LSAT until well past 3 a.m. and then made it to the test and stayed awake the whole time, much less gotten home. I hope she wasn’t driving.

Blair says she thinks the test went well (which, again, no way when she was up all night studying for the first time), but if she didn’t get a high enough score, she’ll take it again until she gets a high enough score to get into Langley. It’s very moving.

We don’t find out yet what her score is here, but SPOILER ALERT – she gets exactly a 42, which disappoints her, but she gets into Langley anyway. In fact, for part of season nine, she is actually in law school. Those will be fun to recap too.