5-23 “Seems Like Old Times”

Sorry about the delay, dear readers, but I assure you that I’ve been working on something awesome if it comes to fruition. It’s not related to the delay; the delay is only because I’ve been partying at Riot Fest in both Denver and Chicago. But I swear you’ll totally forgive me for the delay if my thing happens.

Regardless, we have a tragic ballad to finish. We’ve been with our star-crossed lovers during their aborted attempt to elope and during their heartbreaking realization that it would be best for both of them to see other people. Although Jo’s attraction to Bob, her simulated husband, was a contributing factor to the pseudo-breakup, she doesn’t continue to see him and we never hear of him again. I understand that. No matter how much she liked him, it would have been incredibly painful to pursue anything with him after his being so entangled in the Eddie situation. But she went out with Doug in season four’s “A Woman’s Place,” and she dated rich boy Bill in season five’s brilliant “Just My Bill.” Eventually, she would be the only one of the core four to get married on the show, wedding Rick Bonner in season nine. I desperately want to call Rick a poor, poor substitute for the glorious Eddie Brennan, but alas, it was Eddie himself who destroyed his reputation with his own poor judgment. Poor Eddie. Poor beautiful, dumb Eddie.

We know how it ends. Let us watch as it unfolds.

Natalie and Tootie anxiously set a fancy table, as Mrs. Garrett prances into the room exclaiming that her lemon pie is the best ever. Blair sits on the couch and haughtily asks why they’re all going to so much trouble for Eddie, whose “idea of gourmet food is chicken mcnuggets.” I know mcnuggets should be capitalized but I don’t feel like respecting that company’s trademark.

Mrs. Garrett tells Blair that it’s a special occasion; they haven’t seen Eddie in two years! Which means pretty much that they haven’t seen him since we have. Maybe once. A lot has happened since then. Some of the best episodes of the entire series, in fact.

Tootie doesn’t think it’s been that long, but Natalie knows it has, since Jo was with Eddie at the time that Natalie was in love with Scott Baio. I love that, because Clark Brandon and Scott Baio are on the same Tiger Beat cover.

But other than that, fuck Scott Baio.

Tootie gets a bit too upset at Blair for taking a peanut from a bowl she’s just filled, and we’re reminded that Tootie just adores Eddie. The doorbell rings, and Mrs. Garrett yells upstairs to Jo that Eddie has arrived. Sweet Tootie shouts excitedly, “He’s here!” Jo rushes downstairs with a big smile on her face, dressed in one of her trademark season five outfits.

She rushes to the door, then stops and takes deep breaths. She’s too nervous to open the door. I get that. I also get how Natalie, as an ancillary party to the arrival, declares that she can’t stand it and hurries forward to open the door.

Alas, it’s only Kelly Affinado, the new young character cast because that’s what you did in the ’80s when your sitcom needed a facelift. Pamela Segall Adlon, who played Kelly, has done very well for herself. She was one of the actresses interviewed when Entertainment Weekly did their Facts tribute interview(s). Kelly wonders why such a chilly reception. Blair sighs that everyone is making a big deal because of Eddie, “a high school dropout in a toy sailor suit.” Natalie and Tootie catch Kelly up:

Natalie: “Eddie is Jo’s boyfriend. Actually her ex-boyfriend.”
Tootie: “He was more than just her boyfriend! They almost got married! But they broke up a couple of years ago.”

OK, that hardly does the story justice. Luckily, you can catch up on the entire Ballad of Jo and Eddie right here on this blog. We learn from Natalie that Eddie continued to write to Jo, first long letters and later, after he went overseas, short postcards. But he called recently, and now he’s coming to visit.

Jo comes downstairs, annoyed at Natalie and Tootie’s willingness to treat her life like a gossip column. Kelly ribs Jo about having a past and then asks her for a ride to the movies. Jo declines, and instead shows Kelly the door. Not long after, there’s a knock on the door, Jo exasperatedly sighs that Kelly doesn’t know how to take no for an answer, and she yells “I thought I told you to stop bugging me!” as she opens the door.

Jo’s face. That chemistry. God.

Jo and Eddie embrace, then Eddie hugs Tootie, Mrs. Garrett, and Natalie. The live studio audience cheers. Everyone is thrilled to have Eddie Brennan back with us.

Blair, on the other hand, can’t hide her shock at Eddie’s sophisticated appearance. She’s also shocked when he presents Mrs. Garrett with a bottle of Bordeaux, which is “almost a good year.” Eddie suggests opening it now to let it breathe. When Blair expresses her shock that Eddie knows that one should let a bottle breathe before consuming, Jo points out:

“Blair, he’s been at sea, not under it.”

Eddie and Jo excitedly begin catching up, and Eddie says he’s been to Greece, Italy, and the South of France, and it’s great, but it really makes you miss what’s at home. He tells Jo that he’s probably going to be stationed in “exotic Brooklyn” next, and hopes she doesn’t mind. Mind? She’s delighted, of course. Wouldn’t you be?

Tootie asks how long he’ll be staying and acts as though his visit is to all of them rather than just to Jo. It is, in a way,  but obviously Jo is the priority. Eddie has a week’s leave and plans to stick around Peekskill. He asks if he can go along with Jo to her classes, and Blair makes a snotty joke about why he’s interested in college when he didn’t find high school interesting enough to stay. Then we learn that since we last saw him, Eddie has earned his high school diploma. Blair is impressed, nay, stunned, but Eddie promises that they’ll find something to fight about, and soon enough it will be just like old times.

My heart hurts.

The next day, in the shop, Natalie talks about how the Jo and Eddie story would make a great miniseries. Yeah, a great miniseries OF BLOG POSTS, which I have already done. Jo is characteristically irritated while Tootie and Natalie continue to gush; when they call her “cute” she protests indignantly. Blair insists that everyone is cute when they’re in love, and Jo protests the use of “love” to describe the situation. If only her protestations were true.

Mrs. Garrett excitedly flits in, delighted that her garbage disposal and freezer are fixed and now Eddie is fixing the cuckoo clock. Clearly, Eddie has made himself useful, although one wonders why Jo hasn’t fixed all this stuff already.

Enter a delivery person with a giant bouquet of flowers. Blair assumes Cliff sent them for her, but quickly tells Jo that she should read the note:

Jo: “I am not reading your sappy love letters.”
Blair: “OK, I’ll read it. ‘It’s been a special week with a special girl. You’re still the best. Love, Eddie.'”
Jo: “Eddie sent you flowers?”
Blair: “Eddie sent you flowers.”
Jo: “Gimme my sappy love letter!”

Jo is humbled, and takes the flowers into the other room to say thank you, and Eddie adorably bounds down the stairs. Ever-practical and slightly bitchy Jo tells him that they’re nice, but he shouldn’t waste his money on something that’s going to die in a couple of days. He knew she was going to say that, so he made sure it was a very special bouquet.

For those of you who don’t remember and can’t tell from the photo, Eddie has hidden a socket wrench in the bouquet and Jo is delighted. Ever since I first saw this episode, I have hoped that someone would do this for me. I don’t have much use for a socket wrench, but I could really use one of these. I could just buy it myself, but it would be so much nicer if it showed up in a surprise bouquet. If someone could alert my boyfriend of this fact, that would be awesome. [Author’s note: Never mind. I bought my own.]

Jo and Eddie talk about how much they’ve enjoyed the week together. We learn that Eddie spoke up in one of Jo’s classes, and he says he hopes he wasn’t out of line. She says he was great – they were just “spouting theory,” but he’s been there. It stays vague, but it’s just meant to show what Eddie says next: look at Jo Polniaczek and Eddie Brennan, juvenile delinquents, foolish kids, now grown up and talking politics. Jo and Eddie went their separate ways because Jo had outgrown Eddie, but now he’s caught up. It couldn’t be more perfect. And it’s the stereotypical dream of the girl and young woman: young love, ripped apart by circumstances beyond their control, reconnecting years later and finding that all the magic is still there, made only stronger by the time apart.

It’s the most passionate kiss we’ve ever seen them exchange, maybe because Nancy McKeon is finally 18.

Mrs. Garrett goofily bounds into the room and is awkward at catching them mid-makeout. Jo and Eddie part and small-talk ensues: Eddie suggests they get a pizza before the movie, Jo goes upstairs to get her coat, and Eddie takes Mrs. Garrett up the stairs to show her what the problem was with the clock. Tootie and Natalie come into the room bickering about four dollars that Tootie owes Natalie.

Things couldn’t possibly be more normal.

Tootie can’t pay Natalie back unless she gets change for a ten. Eddie has plenty of change in his wallet and tells Tootie to help herself as he and Mrs. Garrett chatter in the background about the clock.

Mrs. Garrett trots off to the kitchen to check on dinner.

“Who’s the woman in the picture with you?”

“She’s wearing a wedding dress.”

“Eddie, are you married?”

“Yes.”

Eddie tries to backpedal, saying it’s not what it looks like and the marriage is over. Tootie desperately says that must mean he’s divorced, or separated? No, “it’s complicated.” Yeah, it always is when a married person leaps into the arms of an ex. He says Jo doesn’t know, and Tootie says she’s about to find out! Eddie stops her, promises that he will tell Jo tonight and pleads for Tootie to keep it to herself. There will be no more negotiation, as just then an enthusiastic Jo bounds down the stairs. It sure did take her a hell of a long time to get her coat. Just long enough, I suppose.

Blissful in her ignorance, Jo says she wants an extra-large pizza with everything. Eddie perks up and shepherds her out the door, leaving Tootie to bear the burden of her new knowledge alone.

When we return from commercial, Tootie plays Scrabble with Blair and Natalie but clearly has her mind elsewhere. Natalie tells her to hurry up and play, so she comes up with “it.” Natalie and Blair give her a hard time, and poor Tootie can only talk about how the game is not the most important thing. She’s obviously on edge, so Blair and Natalie back off.

Just then, Jo comes home, looking like she had a delightful evening.

Natalie mines for details of the evening, and Blair says she never thought she’d say this, but Jo and Eddie have her blessing. She says that Eddie has become an officer and a gentleman, and Tootie can’t take it anymore. “Gentleman my eye!” she screams as she starts throwing Scrabble pieces back in the box. Blair and Jo obviously have no idea what she’s on about, and, still emotional, she exclaims that she’s tired of hearing about how great Eddie is. Jo starts getting angry, so Tootie says they should just drop it. Jo starts heading upstairs. Tootie stops her and asks if Eddie said anything, if Jo and Eddie talked about anything personal. Blair asks her what’s going on, and she begins muttering to herself that she can’t believe he did this; he promised her he would tell Jo. “Tell me what?” Jo reasonably asks, and Tootie blurts it out, looking like she can’t even believe she said the words.

Remember that Tootie is barely a sophomore in high school here. She’s what – fifteen years old? She adored Eddie and was the worst possible person to find out about Eddie’s lie. And it was double shitty of Eddie to expect her to bear that burden.

Everyone meets Tootie’s announcement with disbelief, and she says it again, more calmly this time. “Eddie is married.” She explains that she saw his wedding picture, and Jo accuses her of lying. Tootie quietly says, “Why would I lie about it?” Jo knows then that it’s true.

The aftermath involves confusion on Natalie’s part and some choice remarks about Eddie’s character from Blair. Jo reacts with characteristic anger and denial. She declares that they’re not talking about it anymore and she marches upstairs.

In the middle of the night in Edna’s Edibles, Jo stands uncomfortably in her pajamas and sweatshirt with a clipboard. She sits down at the table and listlessly goes through some invoices.

Mrs. Garrett comes downstairs, saying she heard Jo prowling around, and she asks Jo what she’s doing. Jo says it’s almost the end of the month, so she’s doing inventory. Mrs. Garrett doesn’t buy that at three a.m., and her suspicions are confirmed when Jo breaks down and cries. Mrs. Garrett can see that it’s serious. She sits down and asks Jo what’s wrong, and Jo tells her. Mrs. Garrett is confused and in disbelief. She can’t believe that Eddie was married and didn’t tell Jo.

It’s important here to talk about what Eddie did wrong. It’s not the marriage, it’s the failure to disclose it. Sometimes people don’t get that even a forgivable transgression can turn unforgivable if one attempts to cover it up with a lie. I had an argument with my boyfriend about this very topic some four years ago. At the time, he had decided to be vegan with me, and as far as I knew he was keeping vegan. I met him out in Chicago one weekend, and I discovered quite accidentally in casual conversation with his friends that he’d been eating chicken wings. He was refusing the wings while I was there, and I told him that if he wanted to have wings it was fine. But he kept insisting that he didn’t want wings and hadn’t had meat since he’d decided to be vegan. We ended up getting in a huge fight over it, but it took him forever to understand that I didn’t care about his eating the chicken wings, I cared about his lying about it. He’s a good and honest omnivore now.

A marriage is a hell of a lot more important than chicken wings.

As Mrs. Garrett processes the news, she gets more and more angry, leading Jo to begin defending Eddie. Mrs. Garrett points out that that’s absurd and Jo knows it. Jo admits that she knows it’s wrong, but she doesn’t know how to give him up. Mrs. Garrett comforts her.

There’s a knock on the door. Guess who.

Eddie apologizes for the time, but he saw the light on in the shop. He tells Jo they need to talk. Mrs. Garrett gracefully excuses herself.

Eddie says he can’t lie to her anymore, and she says he doesn’t have to. He realizes that Tootie told her and he says he didn’t want her to find out that way, but he can’t answer her when she asks why he didn’t tell her.

Jo tries to be a good sport, asking whether it’s Gloria Feeney from the neighborhood. No, it’s an American Coca-Cola employee that he met in Germany. Apparently they had some good times, so they decided to get married. He says that getting married seemed like the closest thing to being home. Sound grounds, those.

It’s so tragic: impulsive, immature Eddie gets sent overseas with the Navy where he makes the same bad decision he nearly made with Jo just three years earlier. Now he realizes that he and his wife just aren’t right for each other. By which he means they just fight all the time; they can’t even get out of the house to do something together because they don’t want to do the same things, and even if they did they’d just have a lousy time. Jo takes the high road and says she’s sorry it’s been so rough.

Sit down and grab a Kleenex for this next part.

One evening, Eddie and his wife managed to get out for pizza, and Eddie thought he saw Jo. It wasn’t her, but even thinking he saw her gave him a funny feeling inside, and after that he just had to see her.

And yes, all of that is fine and even romantic. But why, then, did he not tell her about the marriage when they got together? He was afraid if he knew, she’d send him away.

Sigh. That’s so stupid. How long did he expect to keep this a secret? How could he possibly think it would be better for her to find out any other way other than him telling her first thing? Indeed, Jo says that if he’d told her, they would have talked about it like they always have, and like they’re doing now. Eddie doesn’t have a good excuse, but he says that everything will be OK now that he knows that he and Jo still love each other.

Yes, Jo admits, she loves him, because he’s been wonderful and amazing and now she feels used. Eddie desperately protests, saying he never stopped loving her.

“Eddie, love isn’t just hugs and kisses. It’s honesty and trust. And why did you have to take all of that away!”

He promises to make it up to her. He tries to hug her but she’s not interested. She suggests that he go take care of his own life. “I’m sorry,” he says. Jo responds, “So am I.”

Poor Eddie. He had only himself to blame and he clearly still had a lot of growing up to do. But can you imagine a season seven or eight Eddie appearance? He could have been divorced or widowed. Or how about a season eight or nine episode where Jo finds out that Eddie died in a Navy mission? I can’t think of another ancillary Facts character whose story I’d have wanted to follow more. Hmm. That gives me an idea…