5-20 “Dream Marriage”

Last week I wrote about the two weddings that took place on Facts, Mrs. Garrett’s almost-wedding, plus a bonus sneak peek into mine. I was remiss in not including Jo‘s almost-wedding, that to Enrique in episode 8-8. Enrique was an undocumented immigrant whom Jo was going to marry to keep in the country.

So, Jo was almost married once (twice if you count the “Teenage Marriage” episodes) and married on the show. Mrs. Garrett was almost-married once and married on the show. Tootie was engaged at the end of the series to pretty much the only guy she ever dated during the run of the series. Natalie ain’t the marrying kind, but she was the first to lose her virginity (to be linked when I write that recap). That leaves Blair.

Blair dated a lot; she’s often reduced to the title of “the slutty one,” even though I’m pretty sure Natalie dated more. Nevertheless, Blair “Harvest Queen three years in a row” was the only one to not be engaged, married, or deflowered during the course of the series. And I bet this episode is why.

We open with Blair looking very Cinderella-y.

Blair’s boyfriend, Cliff Winfield, bounds through the front door, excitedly yammering about his internship at Dallas General Hospital.

OK, this is season five, so Blair is a freshman in college and probably about eighteen years old. If Cliff is looking at med school residency, he’s what – twenty-five or so? It’s a seven year difference, but at two very different stations in life, so I would probably lean toward not approving of such a relationship.

Blair, meanwhile, likely starry-eyed about her 1984 hunk of a med-student boyfriend, is very proud of Cliff, until she realizes that “Dallas General Hospital” is likely in Dallas. Can’t get anything past Blair. Cliff is undeterred. He wants Blair to come with him to Dallas and indeed, to marry him.

Yeah, no fucking way.

Blair is sensibly hesitant, but she can’t say no yet. Anyway, Cliff won’t take no for an answer yet (yuck), so she agrees to consider it. They make plans to meet for breakfast at seven the next morning, when Blair will have her answer. Cliff “knows she’ll say yes,” and promises that they’ll be “very, very happy.”

Barf.

Later, as the girls get ready for bed, Natalie muses that they’re only sixteen years away from the turn of the century. Snerk. Remember how far away 2000 seemed then? And now 2000 is sixteen years ago. Natalie is about sixteen in this episode. Oooooohhhhh…

In a lovely little scene that tragically gets cut in syndication, the girls talk about where they think they’ll be in 2000. Natalie expects to be a writer and a lover and to “have it all,” while Tootie expects to be a Broadway star, here or in another galaxy. Blair simply says she’ll be “very, very happy,” and when Natalie reminds her that she once talked about studying art at the Sorbonne or fashion in New York, Blair comments that those ideas were only to pass the time until the right man came along.

Barf.

When Blair challenges Jo as to what she thinks she’ll be doing in 2000, Jo declares that she’ll be doing whatever the hell she wants to be doing.

This morning I was musing about the character development of the characters on this show, and man, it is so good. Sometimes Jo irritates the hell out of me because she’s such a stick-in-the-mud, and sometimes she is so rad that I remember why she had such an impact on me as I was growing up. Complexity in TV characters is so fabulous.

Facts trivia: Mrs. Garrett is a Democrat. We could have guessed, but when Jo says that she can do anything she wants, even be President, Mrs. Garrett says, “And if you’re a Democrat, I’ll vote for you.”

Blair doesn’t tell anyone about the proposal. As Mrs. Garrett bids them good night, Natalie suggests that the five of them make a pact to reunite right there at Edna’s Edibles on January 1, 2000.

We fade from Blair’s sleeping face to Edna’s Edibles in the year 2000. Blair is the first to arrive and she looks exactly the same. The place looks almost the same, except for the robot that busts Blair when she takes a croissant.

Mrs. Garrett, who looks nearly the same except for a bit more white in her hair, appears, hugs Blair, and calls off the robot, who is named L-C for “Laser Computer.”

Laser Computer. That’s sad, even for 1984.

Mrs. Garrett explains that her shop is now Edna’s Edibles and Advice, from which she sells quiche and solves problems all over the world.

L-C announces the approach of two life forms: Natalie and 2-T. It’s a joke that works much better written than spoken, so I’m glad I’m writing now. For years I didn’t understand what the joke was when Mrs. G said, “No, that’s Tootie, not 2-T.” Go ahead, say it out loud.

Enter Natalie.

And Tootie.

We’re told that Jo is coming later. Blair asks what Jo is up to these days, and Tootie and Natalie are incredulous that she doesn’t know.

When we come back from commercial, we learn that Tootie is hungover, having had one too many “Martian wallbangers” last night while performing on the red planet. Natalie spent new year’s eve with her partner Paul and their seven children on their mountain in Santa Fe. They never explicitly say that Natalie and Paul are married (though later Natalie describes herself as “Natalie Green hyphen Webster”).

And for a moment I hope that we’ve just learned that Natalie ended up marrying her little Stone Military Academy boyfriend from seasons three and four. I knew his last name was “Webster.” Could it be that this young lad from episode 3-22 is Natalie’s Paul?

Alas, that Webster’s first name is Alfred. I choose to ret-con that he now goes by his middle name, Paul.

Blair is surprised to hear that Natalie has seven children, and it occurs to me that this plot would never fly in the age of Facebook. The girls never would have lost touch, at least, not until Blair went all Texas conservative suburban housewife and the other three unfriended her.

Natalie breaks out her portable picture frame, a concept which has already come and gone in the real world.

We learn that Natalie has her twins, Ernest and Julio, and then she adopted Mi Ling, Dmitri, Francesca, and Yoshiko. Paul Jr. came along after Natalie and Paul celebrated the publication of Natalie’s fifth book.

Blair has a girl and a boy, and she’s very, very happy.

Mrs. Garrett receives a call on her advice line from a caller in Uganda who is calling for advice because her goat got stolen. Mrs. Garrett suggests that maybe he was trying to get her attention. Yikes. Sometimes Facts is a product of its time, and now is one of those times. Let’s move on, shall we?

Natalie has brought Blair a copy of her latest book.

Funny thing is that books don’t even have to be that unwieldy these days. But we’re not quite to the new invention, which Natalie rejects because she’s old fashioned. She’ll have nothing to do with swallowing those new book capsules.

[Cue laugh track.]

Promise me that will never happen.

Tootie wants to know what’s going on with Blair, and we learn that Cliff is a wonderful husband and an excellent surgeon. Natalie notes that she is familiar with the “Winfield Titanium Turbo Heart,” but Tootie wants to know what’s up with Blair. Blair…is very, very happy.

We hear a sound  in the background, which Mrs. Garrett explains is Jo’s rocketcopter, whose noise Blair hates as much as she used to hate Jo’s motorcycle. Blair smiles pleasantly at the assumption that Jo is a rocketcopter pilot.

I could write a whole post about the assumptions we make based on the way people are dressed. In any case, Jo hugs all around, promises she’ll give L-C a lube job, and informs Blair that she’s the president of Warner Industries.

We learn that Jo got the job because Blair’s father couldn’t reach Blair (she was shopping at Nieman Marcus for three months). If I were Jo, I would be a little insulted to be second choice to Blair, but Jo seems to have taken it in stride, and she seems better for it. Jo asks Blair what she’s been up to, and Mrs. G. informs Jo that Blair has been very, very happy.

Mrs. Garrett proposes a toast to their reunion, and Blair suggests that they all stay with Mrs. Garrett for a while like old times. Jo would love to, but there’s no time. Tootie needs to get going to perform for the President of the United States, because she (the President) loves Tootie’s work.

That gets a round of applause from the live studio audience, but sorry Tootie. Not yet.

Blair wants to go with Tootie and design her sets. Or with Natalie to illustrate her books. Or with Jo to design a clothing line. No, they say, it’s too late. Mrs. Garrett would be happy to have her, but L-C doesn’t approve. It’s too late, the robot says.

Getting blackballed by a robot has got to suck.

Of course it’s all a dream. She’s runs around loving life and her friends and sparkles, as people who have just come back from a life-changing dream/experience are wont to do. As she’s getting ready to meet Cliff for breakfast, she enthuses that she wants to sign up for a summer art class and look into new electives.

She turns Cliff down on the marriage proposal, but still makes out with him.

After they separate faces, we learn that Blair has wisely decided that she can’t be a good wife without knowing who she is. She less wisely decides to try to keep the relationship going as Cliff heads to Dallas. Spoiler: it doesn’t work out. The episode where we learn that they’ve split is a great one. Oh I have so much work to do.

I so appreciate that this episode has Blair deciding that her pursuit of her own talents and dreams is more important than chasing the narrative of happily ever after with your handsome prince. The prince is great, but you have to have enough life experience to know whether you’re open to a prince, whether this prince is what you actually want, and all those other confusing things that make life hard. Thanks again to Facts for giving me some guidance.