9-14 “Peekskill Law”
Really, though, folks, Blair Warner went to law school. We shouldn’t be so shocked; she was always bright and independent; her whole character development was talented yet coddled rich girl becomes a real woman by being part of this posse.
When I went to law school at age 37, a lot of people asked me things like, “why law school?” and “why now?” The thing is that I always expected that I would go to law school some day, so when I watched this almost thirty years ago, I thought to myself that this would more or less be my future.
In this episode, Blair, first year law student, has an internship with a criminal defense firm, and it becomes clear that Facts never bothered to hire a legal consultant for this Blair arc.
We open with banter at the table, the most relevant question to me being why Natalie always insisted on wearing these animal sweatshirts.
In the subplot, Natalie worries about having to make a presentation to her communications class, which I don’t think is consistent with Natalie’s character development. She wanted the lead in South Pacific; she wasn’t afraid to be the face of the Eastland opposition to book-banning; She runs for mayor of Peekskill; and she does several undercover stories. I doubt that a presentation to a freshman communications class would daunt her. Nevertheless, Tootie promises to help her learn some tricks for public speaking.At Harrison and Joseph, Blair arrives in a terrible green dress. She asks whether Mr. Harrison or Mr. Joseph will be interviewing her, and the legal assistant explains that the named partners are dead; a junior partner will interview Blair.
Oh shit. The junior partner in question is Professor Sleaze Katt, with whom Blair was accused of having an affair at the beginning of the season. Why a contracts professor moved to a criminal defense firm is not explained.She tries to put distance between them; he asks whether them working together will be a problem; she says she’s fine but what about his wife; boom – they’re divorced. He explains that her application crossed his desk and he thought her “legal mind” would be perfect for serving coffee and making copies.
Oh snap. And fuck you.
Before Blair has a chance to strike back, the assistant comes in and says that the notorious defendant Darren is waiting for Katt. He gives Blair a fat legal book to put away while he goes to the restroom or whatever.
Mr. Darren Defendant, meanwhile, barges into Katt’s office despite the assistant’s protestations that they’re not ready. Blair assumes by his appearance that he’s another lawyer, and she blabs like an idiot about how guilty she thinks Darren is.
The wack-o-meter of 80s comedy then has Katt return and address Darren, at which point Blair is appropriately embarrassed and we all chuckle. Katt encourages Darren to go get coffee while he dresses down Blair. Er, not literally.
It’s clear that Blair has already concluded that the client is guilty. Katt congratulates her for stating the prosecution’s case well and encourages her to try to work for their client now.
Blair continues to insist that “C’mon, sometimes you just know they’re guilty,” while Katt reminds her of how frustrating it was when the school and his wife assumed that he and Blair were guilty of having an affair way back at the beginning of the season. He closes the door and asks how she would feel if the rumors started now.
Innocent until proven guilty, he emphasizes. Yes. That’s sort of an important thing for an intern at a criminal defense firm to know.
Back home in the living room, Natalie practices her speech to Beverly Ann, Tootie, and Pippa. She gives up before she starts. This is dumb. Natalie is anything but timid. At this point, she’s jumped out of an airplane. Don’t give me that she has stage fright.
Tootie gives her the ol’ “picture the audience naked” trick. She starts giving her talk again and then cracks up and it’s dumb. The phone rings. It’s Blair. She’s bringing Clark Darren to dinner.
Later, Jo, in a horribly unflattering outfit (surprise!), throws napkins and gripes, while Natalie sets the table with all spoons. Beverly Ann suggests that from now on, they make a deal that no one gets to invite a murderer home.
The doorbell rings, and Blair, who conveniently forgot her key, enters with her guest, suspected murderer Clark Darren.
Everyone awkwardly pretends to be normal until Beverly Ann goes to fetch the turkey as Blair sits Mr. Darren at the table while the others scoot as far away from him as possible. Beverly Ann enters with the turkey, and begins suggesting that the man should carve the turkey (barf) until she remembers who the man is.
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A series of uncomfortable, inappropriate jokes follow, until Clark Darren has had enough and he storms out. Blair is apologetic. The others are not.
The next day at the firm, Blair works at Katt’s desk (on what? She hasn’t even finished 1L yet) and appears to be very sweaty, but it turns out the spots are part of the textile. Katt says the trial is going fine but is about to get blown up by a witness taking the stand tomorrow. Blair thinks she’s discovered something important regarding an insurance policy. Katt isn’t interested in pursuing it but encourages Blair to take home all the evidence regarding the policy and go for it.
Back at the ranch, the girls gather in the living room while Blair works on the case. She forces them into a role play of her fantasy cross-examination, and it’s all very silly. Natalie’s refusal to play the corpse anymore sparks a thought process in Blair about the implications of Darren’s alleged victim not actually being dead. She posits a conspiracy involving the head of the company and totally Scooby Doos her way into the real truth, at which she hatches a plan to put Tootie acting as the alleged victim in the gallery watching.
At trial the next day, the first-year intern who has been with the firm for less than forty-eight hours sits second chair with Katt.
A ridiculous courtroom scene ensues, with attorneys objecting to the wrong things and Blair snarking on the judge’s evidence rulings in one breath and making her own evidence rulings the next. The farce continues as a veiled woman enters the courtroom, Katt does his Perry Mason thing, the witness says something stupid on the stand, and he would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for these meddling kids.
Blair tells Darren that the lady in the veil is her friend Tootie, just as Tootie rushes in the back door and says she’s sorry she couldn’t make it, but she and Nat got stuck in an elevator, and in a convenient resolution of the side plot, Natalie was able to use her public speaking skills to calm the others in the elevator. Hooray, no more stage fright.
So who’s in the veil?
The charges against Clark Darren are dismissed. Blair has demonstrated her worth as a competent 1L intern who somehow is eyeball deep in a murder trial, and she’s learned her lesson about innocent until proven guilty. Hooray for everyone, especially the defendant, who luckily got the charges against him dismissed despite his mess of a defense team. The jaunty music assures us that all is well for now, and that’s the last we ever see of Blair’s legal journey. Thank heavens.
