8-6 “The Little Chill”

Reunion. Two weeks ago, the Boulder Rugby Football Club held its 50th anniversary reunion celebration. It was a beautiful time, and I left with my legs bruised and my heart full.

In the eighth season of Facts, the girls have a reunion with most of their old season one friends and castmates.

Tootie and Natalie hang a sign to welcome Sue Ann, Cindy, and Nancy, series regulars back in season one, to Peekskill. Young Andy enthuses that he can’t believe he’s going to meet cover-girl Cindy Baker. You’ll recall that Cindy was very much a tomboy back in the day, so score yet another one for the Facts writers thumbing their noses at stereotypes.

Conspicuously absent from the “old Eastland gang” reunion is Molly.

According to the fountains of knowledge on the Facts Facebook page I visit, Molly Ringwald was indeed asked to appear in the episode, but declined. The episode aired in November 1986, after Sixteen Candles and Breakfast Club and Pretty In Pink, so I get that she had plenty to do, but they could have at least read a letter from her or something. Imagine:

Nancy: “Did anyone hear from Molly?”
Natalie: “Oh yeah, she wanted to come but she’s shooting a new movie right now. She really wanted me to tell you that even though she had all those hit movies, she’s never forgotten her girls from the dorm.”

Pity they never hired me as a writer.

Tootie organized the reunion, prompted by Nancy’s engagement to Roger. Jo comes downstairs and offers to help, but Tootie brushes her aside, saying they’ve got everything under control. Beverly Ann regales us with the story of her high school reunion. The doorbell rings.<

Man, would you take a look at those suitcases. Remember in the days before suitcases had wheels? What took us so long to put wheels on suitcases? It is so obviously a solution to a problem.

Sue Ann is in “the corporate world,” hence her fancy-schmancy suit that even Blair approves of.
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Cindy, of course, is our cover girl…

…while Nancy is the bride-to-be (though she’s dressed more like a soccer mom going to a PTA fundraiser, which may or may not foreshadow a big reveal later).

Natalie apologizes for her rudeness in not introducing them to “someone who has become an important part of [their] lives now.” Jo brightens, and Natalie introduces them to Beverly Ann.

Ouch.

For real, Jo has to clear her throat in order for the others to remember she’s there. It’s often pointed out that the other girls knew Jo; there were episodes in which all the girls appeared together. Nevertheless, I don’t see this as an error. They might’ve known her, but no one at Eastland really knew her all that well, since she never lived in the dorms and she only hung out with Blair, Natalie, and Tootie.

Indeed, Tootie asks them if they remember Jo, and they all do and wave noncommittally before going off to talk to the people they’re more interested in seeing.

Having been literally shut out, Jo tells them she’s going to the library. No one cares, but after she’s gone, Nancy comments that she was expecting “a wildcat” and Natalie makes some dumb chair and whip jokes.

Blair remembers the first time she met Jo, and…cue flashback to season two, episode one, the legendary introduction of Jo freaking Polniaczek.

Tootie tells the gang that she found their old yearbook, and we fade to the group looking through yearbooks and photos and reminiscing. They talk about Natalie’s dormant writing career and Tootie’s dormant acting career before Jo comes home. They are cordial, inviting her to join them in their season one reminiscences. They describe the episode with the storm and the horse, and Jo asks what a horse was doing there, which of course kills the mood and prompts a “you had to be there” from Sue Ann.

Oh, how I hate the phrase “you had to be there.” It’s only said by shitty people. While it is awkward when there’s one person who wasn’t there for all the stories, eventually, they catch up and the stories become shared. Furthermore, you’ll create more stories for which you were in fact, there, and you’ll share them with the next new person. Sue Ann is shitty.

Shitty Sue Ann laments that she wishes she’d known Cindy was modeling when she needed an all-American face for her company’s campaign, and when she couldn’t find anyone she liked, the company flew her to Sweden. Jo points out the irony in going to Sweden to look for an all-American face, and she also points out how unbelievable remarkable it is that such a big company gives so much responsibility to someone just out of college. They trade icy looks.

Fast forward to Blair giving their visitors a tour of Over Our Heads, where Sue Ann takes advantage of a lull in the conversation to announce that she singlehandedly chose her company’s fashion color for the season and has just been made Vice President.

Jo points out how unbelievable remarkable it is that she’s a veep at 22. Jo asks for clarification of what Sue Ann’s magic color (Afternoon Fawn) is, and after explaining its location on the color wheel as something beige taupe whatever, she sighs and says, “You had to be there.” Ugh.

There are people who are obsessed about colors in fashion and there are people who are obsessed about colors in house paint. They’re often not the same people. Me, I don’t give a fuck between Milkshake Ochre and City Winter Snow, whether it’s on a skirt or on a wall.

Blair attempts to break up the growing tension between Sue Ann and Jo by flashbacking to the time Sue Ann punched her.

Molly is also in the flashback, and oh hay! They do acknowledge Molly’s absence! Apparently Tootie spoke to Molly’s mom, and she said that Molly was very busy. Nobody has any idea what she’s up to. Eh, it comes across as bitter. They should’ve played it more light-hearted.

Regardless, you’d think that their shared love of decking Blair would bond Jo and Sue Ann, but no. Blair makes a reference to the time they short-sheeted Molly’s bed (not pictured in the series), they explode in laughter, Jo tries to engage, and Sue Ann “You had to be there”s her.

Jo’s no fool. She bails. There’s no place for her here. Blair catches up with her upstairs and apologizes for leaving her out, but it’s no biggy – Jo says she’ll go the library and work, and the others can catch up. Seems reasonable to me.

Next thing we know, it’s an 80s pajama party, complete with nondescript public domain synth music.

So, now that they know that Nancy is the first to be married, they have to guess who will be next. Natalie says they should rule Tootie out, because she’s the youngest and if Tootie gets married before she does she’ll kill her.

That is a very out-of-character moment for Natalie. She doesn’t give a shit about those conventions; she knows she’s badass no matter what and doesn’t need the institution of marriage to validate her. This is really not a good episode for her. It disappoints me, ‘cause she’s my favorite.

Instead, they give the feminist statement to Sue Ann, who says that marriage can be a trap for career women like her, who just need to make their mark and then find a guy who can deal with it. Tootie is horrified that Sue Ann is so devoid of romance, especially when their friend is about to lose her V-card.

Tootie: “Nancy is about to finally become Mrs. Roger Butler, go on her honeymoon, and experience one of life’s most beautiful mysteries for the first time!”
Nancy: “Well, to be honest, it is beautiful, but it’s not a mystery anymore.”

The others are not scandalized, but rather amused. Sue Ann points out that it’s the 80s and it’s no big deal if a couple jumps the gun on their wedding night.  But, Nancy says, it has consequences.

“I’m three months pregnant.”

Thirty years ago, a pregnant bride-to-be was fade-to-commercial level scandalous, and we come back from commercial to learn that Nancy was planning to be a psychiatrist, but now that she’s pregnant, she can’t. Blair suggests that she just go for it, even if she will be 36 before starting her practice (the horror!). It appears to be the first time Nancy has ever considered that she might have options. No one suggests terminating the pregnancy or giving the baby up for adoption.

Her fast-forward to motherhood notwithstanding, Nancy notes that the others are all “on schedule,” whatever the hell that means (sez the 41-year-old blogger). Natalie once again comments on Sue Ann’s ascent to power and has a mini-crisis about her decision not to go to college. Tootie, positively giddy over the revealing of deep secrets, gets everyone but Blair to admit that they all had crushes on Roger. Blair won’t admit it, but we all know that she arranged a date with Roger in New York behind Nancy’s back in the second season. Blair will however, admit the shocking truth that she is not a real blond.

Now it’s Cindy’s turn to talk about how being a model isn’t all glamour and glitz. I thought we learned that back when 12-year-old Tootie was told to “make love to the camera,” but that’s not the flashback they want to go to. Instead, Cindy talks about how she’s not allowed to eat anything, and despite their flashback to the episode where Sue Ann passed out from dangerous dieting, no one comments on how disturbing Cindy’s anorexia is. They’d rather find out Sue Ann’s big secret, which is that she only makes $50K a year, not the $60K she initially reported. According to this calculator, a $50K salary would be just under $110 now. That’s a lot, but it’s not like, screaming riches and certainly not VP of a major company money. Nevertheless, the other girls are gobsmacked at the remarkable success of the amazing Sue Ann. This isn’t foreshadowing at all.

Remember Jo? Well, she still lives there, and she comes back from the library. She pauses when she hears laughter coming from the top of the stairs, and retreats to set herself up on the couch. Fade to what we all knew was coming.

Sue Ann scurries down the stairs to use the phone before anyone is awake. She begs her friend on the other end to cover for her on Monday, which consists of showing up with the donuts and making sure the coffee urn is full.

Just as she sighs relief that her friend agrees to cover, Sue Ann notices Jo. She halfheartedly tries to dance around it but Jo doesn’t take that shit, so Sue Ann explains that because she had the reputation of being the smartest (which…maybe in the first season, but ultimately Jo was their class Valedictorian), she couldn’t come back and tell them that she was only a go-fer.

Holy insecurity, Batman. As Jo reasonably explains that everyone starts somewhere, Sue Ann pathetically babbles that she’s their friend and she doesn’t want to disappoint them. Mother of pearl, get this woman some therapy. “I suppose you’re going to tell them,” she snots at Jo, and she turns on her heel and runs upstairs before Jo responds.

Sue Ann comes down a little late for goodbyes the next morning, and the others wonder why she’s dragging ass. She just wants to know where Jo is. She’s not there and she hasn’t said anything, so Sue Ann wants to motor. Beverly Ann interrupts just long enough for Jo to return from the library.

All the girls heap praise on Sue Ann for being an inspiration, and it’s enough to guilt her into confessing that she and Jo had a talk last night and it made her realize that she needed to admit that…

“I don’t know what you’re making such a big deal about,” Jo interrupts. “So they didn’t fly you to Sweden first class. What makes you think anybody cares?”

The girls are flabbergasted that there seems to be some secret connection between these two, but they don’t know what we know, which is that Jo is totally keeping Sue Ann’s secret and allowing her to continue bluffing about her level of success!

And it all ends up worth it for Jo when Blair wants to know how they went from sniping at each other to chatting, and Jo will only say that “you had to be there.” Snerk.

And they all lived happily ever after and we never hear from Cindy, Sue Ann, or Nancy again.