6-3 “Love at First Byte”
Back in the pre-internet days, instead of match.com and eHarmony and Tinder, there were personal ads in the newspaper (see Desperately Seeking Susan) as well as dating services. Those things were batshit, and very aggressive marketers. Back around 1999 or so, I got a cold call encouraging me to come in to investigate a dating company’s services. I decided to do so for curiosity’s sake, and four hours later I walked out confused and emotionally battered and having signed a contract to pay thousands of dollars for their services. The next day I called them up and said, “I didn’t mean to do this. I don’t want this. Undo this.” Predictably, they refused. I threatened to start a smear campaign against them on the fledgling internet, using the Nieman-Marcus cookie recipe as an example of how quickly things could spread using this new tool. They finally agreed to let me out of the contract on the condition that I agree not to badmouth them, and they kept my deposit. I had totally forgotten about that story until I sat down to recap this episode.
See, Natalie wants to sign Blair and Jo up for a dating service, which clearly doesn’t cost thousands of dollars, so that she can write a paper about how “a computer” can create love better than people can on their own.
Natalie: “Blair’s dated eight, nine…hundred guys. Jo’s dated eight, nine…guys. Have they found Mr. Right?”
They’re sophomores in college. They shouldn’t be finding Mr. Right. And there’s no such thing as “Mr. Right” anyway. And besides, look who’s talking. Natalie dates more people than Blair does.
Natalie: “It’s 1984! And in 1984, how do you spell romance? I-B-M.”
Mrs. G: “Natalie, how can you use a computer to find love?”
I’m afraid the future is on Natalie’s side here, Mrs. G. And after the disastrous year and a half I’ve experienced following Mrs. G’s romantic notion of finding love through magic, real-life attraction, I came thisclose to signing up for a match or a hinge or a bumble yesterday. Luckily I came to my senses and remembered that I don’t intend to ever let humans into my life again, and I took my dog for a long walk instead.
Natalie intends to secretly gather Blair and Jo’s answers to the dating service’s hard-hitting questions like, “If you were a bus, would you require exact change?” and she wants Tootie to capture “wholesome and alluring” photos of them.
Blair and Jo come downstairs, quizzing each other on Russian leaders. Natalie harasses them with terrible questions while Tootie’s excuse for the photos is that there are only a few pictures left in the roll, so she wants to use them up.
Awwww, film! Awwww, having a limited number of pictures you can take! Awwww, finding out when you get the roll back that all of your pictures are terrible!
Somehow, Natalie achieves her goal; we go from the living room to the very creatively and compellingly named “Date-a-Date” service. See, that would have worked if they’d named it “Data Date,” but they blew the joke. It’s like the fact that my last name is “Otero,” which is Spanish, but I’m very into a lot of Irish things, so a joke is that I think my name is “O’Tero.” See, that’s funny. But I once had a rugby coach who always told it as, “She thinks her name is O’Otero.” That’s not funny.
Date-a-Date is filled with attractive, well-dressed men, reminding us that this show is fictional. Indeed, Natalie marvels at all the Polaroids of “gods” and “goddesses” on the wall.
The smarmy dating service employee, whose name is never mentioned but who is hilariously identified in the credits as “Elliott Sincerre,” approaches Natalie and Tootie and forces them to say “We’re looking for love.” The only black man in the room approaches Tootie, and the director of ick informs him that “There’s no self-serve.” Gross.
As they explain that they’re there on behalf of their two friends (“Of course, your “friends.”” *wink wink*, says Sir Smarm), a generic 80s hottie comes in and hands in his application, and Natalie is hooked.
Our oily employee conveniently leaves to get Natalie and Tootie copies of the applications, giving Natalie the opportunity to review the application of “Rex Winchester,” surfer, skier, and lover of “fast cars and fast women.”
Back at the ranch, Natalie urges Blair and Jo to hurry up. She has told them that they’re going to see Bruce Springsteen that night. The fact that Jo didn’t even know he was playing in Peekskill that night and none of Blair’s friends have tickets does not clue them in to the fact that this is a ruse.
The doorbell rings, forcing Natalie to come clean. She explains that at the door are Chip and Doug, the men that a computer has picked as their perfect matches.
As I always do, I checked IMDB to see if either of them have any other notable credits, and holy shit, Joseph Brutsman, who plays Doug, the tall one, is the writer, director, and star of a little-known movie called October Three. I saw it at a film festival in Houston in 1997, and it is outstanding. I have actively tried to find a way to watch it again and I’m gutted that it simply isn’t possible. I swear, everything that I love has a connection to Facts.
Blair asks Mrs. G to give the boys a tour of the shop so that they can rip on Natalie, who insists that the computer has picked their perfect dates. Blair is snobby about Chip, and Jo scoffs that Doug clearly can’t be her perfect date because he gave her flowers, which she hates. Consistency. We learned that Jo doesn’t like flowers in the tragic conclusion of the Ballad of Jo and Eddie, which is why Eddie gave her a socket wrench along with the bouquet. Oh Eddie. Swoon.
Jo wonders why, if she thinks computer dating is such a great idea, didn’t Natalie sign up for one too. She did, she announces. Ding-dong.
Rex introduces himself and announces that he likes the house. “It works for me!” Mrs. G re-enters and is as smitten with Rex’s generic 80s hotness as everyone, and Rex declares that Mrs. G’s dress really works for her. When Rex asks whose car they’re taking, Natalie explains that her Maserati is in the shop (snerk), so they’ll need to take his Porsche. Blair and Jo and their dates can follow in Chip’s Pinto.
The Pinto got a bad rap. Sure, it exploded a bunch, but no more than any other subcompact car of the 70s. Regardless, it’s a two-seater. That’s gonna be a crowded ride.
They triple-date at the same restaurant where Jo and Eddie doubled with Blair and Bink Parker in season two, and its awkward af.
Natalie tries to stimulate conversation by telling Chip that Blair just got back from New Orleans. Chip says that he hears that the jazz clubs there are amazing, and Blair brightens and starts talking about jazz. And then Natalie blows it by using that to try to marry Blair and Chip off immediately.
She doesn’t fare any better with Jo and Doug, whom she tries to push into speaking Spanish to each other. I’ll be fine to never have to hear Jo’s terrible Spanish accent again.
Rex, the only person on this date more obnoxious than Natalie, returns to the table carrying a salad, and he compliments Natalie on picking the restaurant with the third-best salad bar in New York state. Apparently rating salad bars is an interest of his, because he’s found that a person can really make salad bars work for them.
Rex: “Here’s the thing: eat a lot of salad. That way you’ll be full and you can take your entree home in a doggy bag and have it for lunch tomorrow! It’s a system that really works for me!”
Oh hay, Rex here was on a few Law & Order episodes. He aged well.
Chip and Doug rescue themselves by going to the salad bar.
Rex: “One tip! Don’t get too much lettuce! Then you won’t have room for the alfalfa sprouts, the garbanzo beans, or the Bac-O-bits! That’s my system!”
Chip: “And I’ll bet it works for you.”
With no one but her two friends and the oblivious Rex, Natalie asks Blair and Jo what they think, and when they register their displeasure, she asks what they want from her.
Blair: “How about getting lost?”
Jo: “That works for me!”
Natalie indignantly drags out Rex, who laments abandoning dinner but then concludes that Natalie must be trying to “ditch these stiffs” so they can do something they both enjoy, “like water polo!” And so they exit, presumably to find a pick-up water polo match at dinnertime in Peekskill.
Chip and Doug return, and now that I know who he is, I totally recognize Doug from October Three. God, that movie. I wish I could tell Joseph Brutsman what an impact it made on me. He’s not on Twitter. I already checked.
Blair and Jo explain to Chip and Doug that Natalie arranged the dates without their knowledge or consent. They’re sympathetic, and Doug suggests that since they’re already there, they might as well make the most of it. With Nuisance Natalie and Ridiculous Rex out of the picture, conversation flows much more freely, and before we fade back to our stalwart living room, we learn that Doug is the family mechanic and Chip “can’t even use a mechanical pencil.” Hmmm…
It appears that Natalie and Rex forewent the water polo match, as they’re sitting on the couch, where Natalie looks less than thrilled.
Rex: “You know what I hate? I hate having the same thing to eat twice in a row. Like if I have turkey for lunch, I just can’t have it for dinner. I bet you’re the same way, right?”
Natalie:
“Right.”
Rex:
“I knew it!”
As Natalie shuttles Rex out the door, he promises to call her. She suggests disconnecting the phones.
Blair and Jo are in much better spirits when they return. They explain that they ended up having a good time with two nice guys (presumably not Nice Guys).
Natalie: “Nice? Nice is what you call a lamp. Or a chair. Or a roast chicken.”
Blair: “Or a friend.”
Turns out that once Natalie stopped trying to plan the weddings, Blair and Jo got along great with Chip and Doug. Chip is in Blair’s writing club, and Doug once restored a ’56 Chevy by himself.
Natalie muses that although Blair and Jo wouldn’t have picked these guys, their getting matched and forming a friendship was a net positive. With a new thesis for her paper. Natalie is mollifed.
I’m still not making a match or a hinge or a bumble, but this episode works for me.
