2-13 “Bought and Sold” (Featuring Zsa Zsa Gabor)
Zsa Zsa Gabor was a woman known for her beauty and glamour. She wore loads of makeup and diamonds and furs and all sorts of things of which I heartily disapprove. Yet there was always something adorable and relatable about her, which seems weird as I’m writing it, but that’s how it feels. And, of course, she appeared in a Facts episode, one which, I realized on the day of her death, is a critique of her own lifestyle and a very underrated episode.
This is the one where Blair decides to become a makeup salesperson. God, multi-level marketing is such an 80s thing; there was even a Sweet Valley High book that has a subplot where Jessica sells shampoo and soap.
Our first important introduction of the episode is to Natalie, who says she doesn’t mind polishing silverware because her “social life is about as exciting as a Gomer Pyle rerun [laugh track].” It’s been a couple of episodes since she got a reputation for being easy and had a date every night, so the timing is about right for her to be ready to get out again.
Todd Bridges as Willis [APPLAUSE]
Willis explains that Blair flipped her hair and asked him to “help” her get her packages which turned into him doing all the work. Shocking.
Blair then flits in, effusing that she’s a “CC Girl.” Because Mrs. Garrett is Mom, she gushes how wonderful that is, even though she has no idea what a CC Girl is. There are no “CC Girls” in real life, but of course a CC Girl is a Mary Kay girl, but Mary Kay is Countess Calvet. That’s prounounced “cal-VAY,” and it turns out that “Mary Kay is Countess Calvet” has a pleasant lilt to it when spoken out loud.
By the way, [SPOILER] Countess Calvet is Zsa Zsa.
According to Blair, Countess Calvet has decided to sell her cosmetics on high school campuses, and Blair has been appointed to one of the exclusive sales positions. They try to make it sound much more important and exclusive than the pyramid scheme it is.
Blair makes a speech about wanting to make her own money instead of relying on her mother, her father, and her [laundry list of assets].
The cosmetics’ motto is “Dare to be you.” Jo corrects “You mean, dare to put all this goop on your face and go out in public.” It’s not as good as “You mean, dare to cover up you before going out in public,” but at least it calls out the contradiction.
Later, Blair drags ass into the girls’ room. She has learned that direct selling is actually difficult.
Jo mocks her and quips about “phony makeup stuff” and Death of a Salesman. They bicker a bit about Blair’s obsession with beauty, and we all know who eventually wins that one.
The NAILS. I can’t even.
For now, though, Jo takes the lead as she points out that if Blair doesn’t become a better salesperson, she’s stuck with 150 boxes of shit. Oh, the plight of so many a direct salesperson before you.
Willis brings up more boxes for Blair, finds feet pajamas in the laundry, and mocks Tootie for still wearing them.
Jo: “They’re mine [death stare][laugh track].” That would be funnier if we ever saw her wearing them.
Mutual jockiness cuts the tension between Willis and Jo as they agree to go play basketball.
Jo: “Let’s play some twenty-one.”
Willis: “Great! I’ll spot you six points.”
Jo: “Guys always say that the first game.”
[APPLAUSE]
Speaking of blurry pictures, look closely at the picture below and you’ll see Mindy Cohn in the background waiting for her entrance, also applauding Jo. Well, you can’t really see the clapping in the picture but I promise you it happens.
In the room, Blair and Tootie consult the CC Girl sales manual. It suggests being “warm and sincere” when approaching one’s marks customers. Blair insists that she has no problem being warm and sincere.
The manual goes on to suggest that the salesperson “use Countess Calvet where she’ll do the most good and let the product speak for itself. Remember, one incredibly dramatic makeover may start the ball rolling. All you may need is a walking billboard.”
And lo and behold, enter Natalie, who tells Tootie that Mrs. Garrett needs her downstairs, and asks Blair how she’s doing.
Tootie exits, leaving Natalie with Blair, who proceeds to tell her that her face is excellent raw material and that she would love to help Natalie reach her “full beauty potential.”
Natalie: “Haven’t I?”
Recall that Natalie is not and never has been insecure about her appearance, because this show is awesome. Nevertheless, Blair manages to convince Natalie that she would like to have cheekbones.
This, of course, is the inch that Blair needs to go all creepy makeup lady BFF on Natalie.
The result:
You said it, Mrs. G.
Tootie thinks Natalie looks like a movie star, while Jo is worried about one of her false eyelashes crawling into the food.
“Envy causes frown lines,” Natalie retorts. Oh God. Mrs. Garrett suggests that Natalie wash her face, and Blair and Natalie inform her that “You wash your socks. Natalie cleanses her face.” Barf.
The Countess Calvet skin-care line fits in a briefcase and is available for the low low price of $29.95 (about eighty bucks today).
That seems like an awful lot for an eighth grader, and Mrs. Garrett agrees, pointing out that oatmeal is a softener and cucumbers reduce puffiness, and you can buy that for less than a buck at the grocery store. They begin to debate whether it’s grosser to put food or products on one’s face, but Blair interrupts them.
Countess Calvet has called, and she’s coming to Eastland as part of a regional high school tour to personally welcome her new minions junior beauty ambassadors. Reminds me of visiting high schools for CU admissions. I miss those days.
Sensible as always, Jo asks Natalie how much it all cost, and Natalie replies, “You can’t put a price on beauty.”
Me too. And it turns out that in toto, Natalie gave Blair $87.42 (about $240 today). Yup, she’s getting ripped off. When Jo asks where she’s going to come up with that kind of money, Natalie’s “plan” apparently consists of trying to borrow it from Tootie. She settles instead for a dime, which she uses to call her mom and lie that she needs the money to go on an overnight field trip where she’s “supposed to room with her best friend Blair.”
Tootie takes Natalie to task for lying to her mother; Natalie pathetically defends that she’s helping her best friend be successful. We all know that Natalie and Tootie are supposed to be best friends, and we also all know how important the “best friend” is to the middle-schooler.
Natalie: “You’re my best younger friend. Blair’s my best older friend.”
Right. And when Tootie and Jo point out that Blair is only hanging out with Natalie because she’s “a lot easier to lug around than a sample case,” Natalie responds with typical eighth-grade defensiveness.
“Blair and I are best friends and we’re going to stay that way!”
The Next Day
Even Jo isn’t immune when Zsa Zsa tells her what a natural beauty she is.
Zsa Zsa and Blair exchange “Dahlings” and engage in a “we’re both rich and beautiful” conversation, which demonstrates that Zsa Zsa has a sense of humor and self-awareness, which is why we love her despite not really knowing what’s under all that gloop.
Blair: “I’ve always admired you.”
ZZ: “I know.”
Blair: “You’ve married so well!”
ZZ: “And so often.”
Natalie makes her grand entrance, and the Countess says she’s speechless.
Zsa Zsa: “What have you done to my makeup? And what have you done to this poor little girl’s face?”
Zsa Zsa explains that makeup is supposed to make you look more natural, and again she’s in on the joke as she touts the Countess’s new book, Twenty-five Easy Steps to the Natural You.
Her advice to the girls is not to use her makeup; instead to wait for her new line of products just for young teens.
So, apparently the campaign is suspended after three days. I bet the entire marketing department is looking for new jobs.
Zsa Zsa’s parting advice:
“Stay beautiful, and young.”
Amen, sister. Rest in peace, dahling.
